By on July 24, 2011


The Index of Effluency, the top prize of LeMons racing, goes to the team that accomplishes a feat far beyond the apparent capacity of their horrible, never-belonged-on-a-racetrack “race car.” Sometimes the IOE goes to a team that climbs way the hell up into the standings in a moderately terrible car (e.g., the Exhibition of Slow Tercel EZ grabbing 10th overall in Texas)… and sometimes it goes to a team that somehow keeps an apocalyptically terrible car on the track all weekend and finishes well inside the top third of the field. We have no idea how such a thing could be possible, but the Speedycop and the Gang of Outlaws 1980 Pontiac Bonneville donk managed 16th place out of 52 entries this weekend.

I took this car out on the track at the Capitol Offense 24 Hours of LeMons, and I can say firsthand that it’s even scarier than it looks. There’s no suspension to speak of, the smallest surface irregularities want to send the car airborne, it lifts the inside front tire on turns, and the 301-cubic-inch engine wheezes out about 80 horsepower. In spite of all this, the donk ran just about all weekend long at Stafford Motor Speedway, and it actually passed quite a few cars.

The tone was set for the awards ceremony when, on the checkered-flag lap, a front wheel came off this Olds and the car scraped across the finish line to the cheers of an overjoyed crowd. If that isn’t a sign that General Motors will continue to dominate the Index of Effluency, I don’t know what is.

This is the third IOE for Speedycop and his henchmen, and the hardest-earned one of the three. Congratulations, Speedycop and the Gang of Outlaws!

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13 Comments on “And the Real Winner Is…...”


  • avatar
    ajla

    It’s a Bonneville with a real Pontiac engine. It’ll be knocking out top tens in no time.

  • avatar
    fincar1

    It looks like they have a good many henchwomen as well…that can’t hurt!

  • avatar
    p161911

    They need to change this to one of those product themed donks for the next race. I’m thinking Preparation H.

    • 0 avatar
      Scoutdude

      I think it should be Lemonheads and that did pop into my head when I saw my first adverdonk in the wild last week. It was a Buick G-body lifted but still wearing the Buick Rally wheels. The paint was done however in a similar yellow and the Lemonheads livery. I immediately thought perfect for Speedy Cop’s donk.

  • avatar
    Signal11

    Donks just don’t look right anymore to me without gold teeth/grille.

  • avatar
    alexndr333

    I don’t know who it was, but somebody once said, “GM cars run badly longer than most cars run at all.” Is it any wonder then that the Pontiacs and Oldsmobiles continue to collect the IOE trophy. As for Chevrolet, everyone knows it’s the car that, given enough time, will fix itself. If it were ever to be the 48 Hours of LeMons, only Impalas and Malibus would make it!

  • avatar
    tiredoldmechanic

    A long, long time ago I worked at a Rent-A-Wrech franchise as a mechanic. We were always on the lookout for cheap B-bodies that hadn’t been abused too badly. They were tough as dirt and cheap to maintain. There’s a reason these were a staple of the taxi industry for 20 years. They were by no means perfect but I have long thought that GM built the best RWD big cars in the industry and these were the best generation of GM big cars.
    I’m pretty sure you could get a real Pontiac 400 in them for the first couple of years of production if you favoured Pontiacs. With a few simple engine mods, the Chevy 9C1 suspension and a 3.23 or 3.42 rear gear you’d have pretty decent sleeper on your hands.
    And yeah, snowflake wheels for sure.

  • avatar
    Jon

    You can see a video of that Team Olds as the tire pops off. Our car was right behind it when it happened.


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