Piston Slap: The REAL Swagger Wagon

TTAC Commentator MadHungarian writes:

Hi Sajeev – I am your fellow Town Car-o-phile, and per Panther Appreciation week commentary, I accept your invitation. How do you get that harshness out of the ride of my 2005 Signature Limited? That banging and bottoming in the rear over seemingly minor bumps. Strangely, it seems worse at lower speeds. I miss the authentically Land Yacht-y ride of my ’92. I don’t miss the seriously imprecise steering, but is one a necessary tradeoff to get the other?

A photo of my somewhat blingy ’05 is included for your enjoyment. It’s got only 54K and as far as I know the air suspension and all other suspension components are in proper order.

Sajeev Answers:

Nice Townie, the (aftermarket) landau roof with classy quarter window deletion is a rare find! Most people go for the clumsy mop-on-head design of the full carriage roofs. Your triple black threat proves that TTAC is a diverse group of passionate pistonheads, that the automotive aftermarket makes “non-ricey” cosmetic improvements, and that old school rides get better by going even older.

Here’s my time tested advice, performed in the opposite direction to make my Dad’s Town Car feel more like a Police Interceptor. So you better keep that hood and its ornament nicely polished, you’ll see it bobbing up on down quite nicely after this.

1. Remove rear sway bar, Town Cars don’t need that fancy pants bit of engineering. Try to sell it to the poor souls who want better handling but got stuck with a bar-less Panther. (FYI: many newer Panthers come without a rear bar.) Forums like CrownVic.net, GrandMarq.net and Lincolnsonline.com should be your new stomping grounds.

2. Switch to 16″ wheels from a 1996-2002 Town Car. With this you gain tall 60-series tires that’ll crush any surface imperfection with American swagger. Shouldn’t be hard to make a trade locally with someone, your chrome rolling stock is worth some cash. Sorry, 15” wheels won’t clear your gigantic twin-piston brake calipers and you don’t want to downgrade your stoppers. Plus, 70-ish series tires may not be necessary anyway.

3. Install “softy” front springs from an early 90s Town Car, I believe they drop right in. That’ll give the front end a proper floaty ride when you hit the freeway. Hell, get them from the junkyard; they’ll be well worn and even floatier.

4. You could experiment with front/rear shocks from older models, but steps 1-3 are the big sources of improvement with little effort on your part. The same applies if you converted to rear coil springs using mounts from a 1998+ Crown Vic and springs from an early 90s Town Car. Not worth it.

5. And for the love of all that’s right in this world, install some whitewall tires. Pronto!

Send your queries to mehta@ttac.com. Spare no details and ask for a speedy resolution if you’re in a hurry.