By on July 3, 2018

Fireworks Fourth of July

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July, otherwise known as the day in which us Americans “celebrate the independence of [our] nation by blowing up a small part of it,” according to the ever-wise The Simpsons. Yes, Simpson’s truthers, I know the original, verbatim quote is “your nation” but I had to tweak it to make it make sense in this context.

So with that in mind, we’re off to barbecues, baseball games, car shows, bars, and of course, fireworks shows. We’re gonna shut ‘er down from now until Thursday so we can partake in such tomfoolery early, just as the Founders intended.

We’ll be back Thursday and Friday but perhaps we’ll be a little lighter than usual when it comes to content — we have hangovers that we’ll need to shake off, after all. Back at full speed on Monday.

Don’t blow yourselves up with fireworks this week, be respectful of your neighbors (seriously, fireworks are much less cool after 3 a.m.), don’t drink and drive, don’t text and drive, and smoke some American-made rubber if you own a muscle car.

See you on the flip side.

[Image: Yuganov Konstantin/Shutterstock]

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20 Comments on “Housekeeping: Don’t Blow Yourselves Up...”


  • avatar
    Sub-600

    Don’t fire your guns straight up in the air either, that could go wrong for someone a few hundred yards away.

  • avatar

    I forgot to do a celebratory desk pop before I left work. Someone do one for me.

  • avatar
    Rnaboz

    Ah yes….The Original Brexit

    • 0 avatar
      Luke42

      The first Indians I worked with and I bonded over the fact that we all kicked out the British, in our own national way.

      Brexit USA: 1776

      Brexit Canada: 1867

      Brexit Australia: 1901

      Brexit India: 1947

  • avatar
    "scarey"

    “You’ll blow your eye out !”.

    Don’t.

  • avatar
    Sub-600

    We used to make cannons out of steel soda cans. You’d take 3 or 4 cans, cut the ends off, except for the bottom of the first can, tape them together with black tape, one on top if the other. Put a tiny hole near the bottom of the first can, squirt a little lighter fluid in there, then drop a tennis ball in. Touch the hole with a match and the ball would fly really far, sometimes out of your line of sight. Soon we were aiming them at each other, lol. Then they switched to aluminum cans and the fun was over.

  • avatar
    Rnaboz

    Yea, same here! They do still make steel cans for vegetables. Go get some cream corn this 4th and show the kids what fun really is!

  • avatar
    twotone

    PVC pipe and an end cap at Home Depot works great. Just find the size a tennis ball fits. Propane works well too.

  • avatar
    CKNSLS Sierra SLT

    Some of these comments make other comments suddenly become quite clear…….

  • avatar
    kefkafloyd

    I for one have never lost my sense of what’s truly important: the great taste of Charleston Chew.

  • avatar
    King of Eldorado

    And please don’t set fire to the West. (A lot of it is already burning.)

  • avatar
    Sub-600

    Joey Chestnut wins his 11th July 4th hotdog eating championship on Coney Island. One of the great athletes of the 21st Century. 74 hotdogs (and buns) in 10 minutes.

  • avatar
    sportyaccordy

    Hot take… fireworks are dangerous, disruptive, boring and a complete waste of time.

    Especially after having a baseline of expectations set from the NYC East River barge show, and comparing that to backyard amateur hour. Just a way for middle age men to have an excuse to “make de thing boom!” I’ve always quietly loathed fireworks, but now with an infant who has a 7 PM bedtime I was particularly annoyed.

    Let’s barbecue and take time to appreciate how great America is, even in its current divided and broken state.

  • avatar
    Secret Hi5

    Too late: South Carolina man loads mortar shell backwards, dies when fireworks shoots into his chest.
    https://www.wsoctv.com/news/local/police-man-killed-another-lost-part-of-hand-in-fireworks-mishap-in-cheraw/783347639

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