Hammer Time: Iacocca's Auction Triumph

by Steven Lang

Updated: May 16th, 2014 Published: November 2nd, 2010

Who wants a 1996 Chrysler LHS? The last car to ever impersonate an Iacocca inspired Chrysler New Yorker glided down the auction lane in pure anonymous bliss. The Mazda 3 behind it had already hooked all the dealers looking for some sub-prime finance fodder and hey, I knew that the 3’s transmission was toast. I was not in the mood to have a dogfight with half the dealers at this sale. My job was to pick my battles and find the dealer queens, but which ones?

There had already been several nasty machines that went through the block that evening. Most of them were plain junk. Three Camry’s that each had over 375,000 miles went for $850 and up. A Cadillac with engine and transmission issues? That went for clean retail.. north of $2000. Even an 18 year old Caravan that was ridden with onion peel paint went for $700. I had picked out the LHS. The least popular car to sell short of an early 90’s, V6, Mercury Cougar. Why?

The owner. I can tell an awful lot of things about the prior owner just by what is in and on a car. Are the tires pricey Michelins or cheap Wal-Mart’s? Does the interior look well kept? Or is it as rough as a wore out mop? Did the vehicle come with a dealer advert in back that came from a buy-here-pay-here lot? Those cars usually have low-quality parts and neglected maintenance that will result in you ‘polishing a turd’ with several hundreds in extra reconditioning costs. You need to handicap and bid appropriately.

The LHS had all the right ingredients. AAA and AARP stickers on the rear windshield. New-ish Michelins. An immaculate interior with no paint fade. Despite the fact that full-sized Chryslers are often as popular as herpes, I wanted to make sure I got it. It was profit incarnate. The auctioneer started at $2500… went down to $2000… and then quickly went down to $1000. At that point I clenched my fist near my left shoulder which means, “I’m in at $1000”. Seven seconds and no other bids later I was the new owner of the car. It’s now off the lot and on the road. Along with that onionized Chrysler I mentioned. Yeah it was ugly. But that 92’ model had only 78k and a LOT of Chrysler OEM parts. Most owners of old minivans don’t care about the look. They just need it for the hauling.

#HammerTime #UsedCars

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2 of 35 comments

Sportyaccordy on Nov 03, 2010

How were these things reliability wise? I feel like their trannies would grenade

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Keith Tomas on Nov 06, 2010
Educator(of teachers)Dan November 2nd, 2010 at 11:03 pm I remember when these cars came out. I was in my late high school years but a “Car and Driver” subscriber. The magazine claimed that finally opera lights, wire wheel covers, and landau roofs were banned from American cars. They treated these things like the second coming of Christ. Which is why these pictures always make me laugh. http://carphotos.cardomain.com/ride_images/3/3104/4721/32759860001_medium.jpg http://i26.tinypic.com/2jfak9i.jpg http://carphotos.cardomain.com/ride_images/1/3254/3741/8134370016_large.jpg Just cause you can’t put a landau roof on it doesn’t mean you can’t be tacky. In defense of these godawful cars, they are clearly aftermarket designs. The previous generations of full-sized Mopars, made during that unfortunate period where most things were K-car based, came out of the factory with most of the crappy stuff already on them.

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Recent Comments

Lou_BC Hard pass
TheEndlessEnigma These cars were bought and hooned. This is a bomb waiting to go off in an owner's driveway.
Kwik_Shift_Pro4X Thankfully I don't have to deal with GDI issues in my Frontier. These cleaners should do well for me if I win.
Theflyersfan Serious answer time...Honda used to stand for excellence in auto engineering. Their first main claim to fame was the CVCC (we don't need a catalytic converter!) engine and it sent from there. Their suspensions, their VTEC engines, slick manual transmissions, even a stowing minivan seat, all theirs. But I think they've been coasting a bit lately. Yes, the Civic Type-R has a powerful small engine, but the Honda of old would have found a way to get more revs out of it and make it feel like an i-VTEC engine of old instead of any old turbo engine that can be found in a multitude of performance small cars. Their 1.5L turbo-4...well...have they ever figured out the oil dilution problems? Very un-Honda-like. Paint issues that still linger. Cheaper feeling interior trim. All things that fly in the face of what Honda once was. The only thing that they seem to have kept have been the sales staff that treat you with utter contempt for daring to walk into their inner sanctum and wanting a deal on something that isn't a bare-bones CR-V. So Honda, beat the rest of your Japanese and Korean rivals, and plug-in hybridize everything. If you want a relatively (in an engineering way) easy way to get ahead of the curve, raise the CAFE score, and have a major point to advertise, and be able to sell to those who can't plug in easily, sell them on something that will get, for example, 35% better mileage, plug in when you get a chance, and drives like a Honda. Bring back some of the engineering skills that Honda once stood for. And then start introducing a portfolio of EVs once people are more comfortable with the idea of plugging in. People seeing that they can easily use an EV for their daily errands with the gas engine never starting will eventually sell them on a future EV because that range anxiety will be lessened. The all EV leap is still a bridge too far, especially as recent sales numbers have shown. Baby steps. That's how you win people over.
Theflyersfan If this saves (or delays) an expensive carbon brushing off of the valves down the road, I'll take a case. I understand that can be a very expensive bit of scheduled maintenance.