Dear Mr. Nasscar

Frank Williams
by Frank Williams

Dear Mr. Nasscar,

How the hell y’all doin’? I was down to the barber shop the other day when me and the boys got to talkin’ ‘bout cars an racing an stuff. Clarence sed how he’d red that NASCAR was fixin’ to change all the cars all over again. He said y’all was fixin’ to make all the cars the same, and the engines the same, and on top of that, they’s ugly. He said they’s all gonna be slower too. Then Earl piped-up and said that meant there weren’t gonna be no more good crashes no more. Why them crashes is the only reason Ida Mae goes to the races in the first place! Jake sed y’all gonna kill the sport ded.

And why in the name of Sam Hill y’all lettin’ them Toy Otas in? My granpappy didn’t fite in dubya dubya two and lose half his damn cheek bone so they could come over here an run them thangs with hour Chevy’s and Fords. He fawt for our rites. And anyway, everyone knows them farn car’s got four doors and six cylinder engines and front wheel drive. That jest ain’t gonna to cut it. We wanna watch cars built rat cheer in ‘Merica, runnin’ on ‘Merican tars, like one them Ford Fusions. You let them farn cars in and the next thing you know we’ll all be tawkin Jap’nese. Hell, we’re jest getting’ used to aabling Espan Yol. Yew thank about that some time.

And another thing, what’s with truck racin’? It’s stock CAR racin’. Trucks is how we git to the race track, not what y’all are supposed to run on the track. ‘Sides, they ain’t trucks! Ain’t none of ‘em got a rebel flag er gun rack in the back window, and y’all shore cain’t tie no dead deer ‘cross them flimsy hoods. Monster trucks – now them’s trucks! They jest pop a couple of wheelies over some of them farn cars, blow our eardrums all to Hell and we’re good. Yew ever seen it? Now that’s entertainment!

Now me and the boys got to thinking. We came up with some ideals how y’all can make everthang better. Git back to racin stock cars, not them college boy engineer cars y’all are running now. It jest ain’t the same like when I useta could go down to Bobby Ray Ford and buy me a car just like what Cale Yarborough drove. Us Ford boys can’t brag much when ain’t no difference ‘tween a Ford an a Chevy an a Dodge cept for the stickers on the front.

Sumtin else y’all can do is stop chargin us so much to see the races. It cost me and Ida Mae so much to go to the last race that I had to put off payin for her granma’s new teeth. Y’all are making all kinds of money on adds. Y’all got adds on the cars and adds on the tracks and adds on the TV races and adds all over y’alls web site. Y’all got more dam adds than even that edmunds web thing has. Peers to me with all them adds and everthing y’all sell with NASCAR stuck on it y’all could let us plain folk into the races and sell us beer for about what they charge at the tractor pulls! Jew catch my drift?

An stop changin’ all the dam rules. Ever time I think I got things figgered out y’all up and change things, even in the middle uv th’ season. Sometimes I think y’all do it just cause yew can. I don’t know how them poor drivers can keep up with it all. Us fans shore cain’t.

The main thing y’all got to fix, though, is all them dam purty boy yankees y’all are hirin to drive. Ain’t hardly no good old boys driving none of them nasscars no more. And y’all are runnin them in places with names like Poky-no and Watkins Glen, wherever that is. (One of them Watkins boys who lives out to the old Turner place is named Glen, but he ain’t never heard of that place neither.) Y’all need to Mason Dixon the dam sport fore them northern college boys rurn racin’ any more than they have, what with their ‘puters and tell ‘em a tree stuff. That ain’t right neither.

Y’all know them races got started down here with a few of our boys runnin shine. I know most them done retard, but it’s high time y’all gave them races back to us southern boys an quit actin all high-falutin, big city corporate-like like y’alls Walmart. If y’all don’t, well, forgive me for sayin’ so, but it’s bin quite sum time since we gave someone in a suit a dam good ass whoopin’.


Billy Jim Blankenbaker

Frank Williams
Frank Williams

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  • FunkyD FunkyD on Jul 06, 2006

    Mr. Williams very lame attempt at humor notwithstanding, let's run down the current state of racing... As much as we critizice the Cup Series (and rightfully so) it still stands out above the rest, even if the "Car of Tomorrow" turns the series in to a 43-car IROC. Like Mike Joy said last week, Tony Stewart can race a cockroach with wheels and still win. Busch Series = Cup Lite, all the fun is getting sucked out of it. Yes, they race trucks, and it's the best racing series out there. Costs aren't prohibitive (yet), they don't run restrictor plates, and there are a few more short tracks on the schedule. Unfortunately, this season it's turned into the Toyota inviational (which is what will happen to Cup by 2009 or so!). Then again, what alternatives do we have to NA$CAR? Formula 1 is a parade, not a race. IndyCar has been losing engine suppliers left and right, and what if they gave a Champ car race and nobody cared? Oh, that's right, they don't! Well, there's always those psychos who drive WRC...

  • Frank Williams Frank Williams on Jul 07, 2006

    Uh... for those who found this article offensive, I won't recommend the following web site. For the rest, here are some of "Billy Jim's" kinfolks:

  • Varezhka I have still yet to see a Malibu on the road that didn't have a rental sticker. So yeah, GM probably lost money on every one they sold but kept it to boost their CAFE numbers.I'm personally happy that I no longer have to dread being "upgraded" to a Maxima or a Malibu anymore. And thankfully Altima is also on its way out.
  • Tassos Under incompetent, affirmative action hire Mary Barra, GM has been shooting itself in the foot on a daily basis.Whether the Malibu cancellation has been one of these shootings is NOT obvious at all.GM should be run as a PROFITABLE BUSINESS and NOT as an outfit that satisfies everybody and his mother in law's pet preferences.IF the Malibu was UNPROFITABLE, it SHOULD be canceled.More generally, if its SEGMENT is Unprofitable, and HALF the makers cancel their midsize sedans, not only will it lead to the SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST ones, but the survivors will obviously be more profitable if the LOSERS were kept being produced and the SMALL PIE of midsize sedans would yield slim pickings for every participant.SO NO, I APPROVE of the demise of the unprofitable Malibu, and hope Nissan does the same to the Altima, Hyundai with the SOnata, Mazda with the Mazda 6, and as many others as it takes to make the REMAINING players, like the Excellent, sporty Accord and the Bulletproof Reliable, cheap to maintain CAMRY, more profitable and affordable.
  • GregLocock Car companies can only really sell cars that people who are new car buyers will pay a profitable price for. As it turns out fewer and fewer new car buyers want sedans. Large sedans can be nice to drive, certainly, but the number of new car buyers (the only ones that matter in this discussion) are prepared to sacrifice steering and handling for more obvious things like passenger and cargo space, or even some attempt at off roading. We know US new car buyers don't really care about handling because they fell for FWD in large cars.
  • Slavuta Why is everybody sweating? Like sedans? - go buy one. Better - 2. Let CRV/RAV rust on the dealer lot. I have 3 sedans on the driveway. My neighbor - 2. Neighbors on each of our other side - 8 SUVs.
  • Theflyersfan With sedans, especially, I wonder how many of those sales are to rental fleets. With the exception of the Civic and Accord, there are still rows of sedans mixed in with the RAV4s at every airport rental lot. I doubt the breakdown in sales is publicly published, so who knows... GM isn't out of the sedan business - Cadillac exists and I can't believe I'm typing this but they are actually decent - and I think they are making a huge mistake, especially if there's an extended oil price hike (cough...Iran...cough) and people want smaller and hybrids. But if one is only tied to the quarterly shareholder reports and not trends and the big picture, bad decisions like this get made.