Hammer Time: Craigslist English
If there is a hell, you will probably find it on Craigslist.
Also, if there is a Santa Claus, you will probably find him performing some advanced NSA style hacking that tracks all the emails and texts people like me have to endure.
I’m pretty sure that Saint Nick would also have an amazing Craigslist to English translator for that purpose.
“Wut” very roughly translate to what, of course…. unless “wut” happens to be a typo, in which case, start thinking of words that end with “ut.”
“Whass u got???” is, “Excuse my kind sir, but I have texted 33 people in the last 22 minutes. I can’t even remember why I texted you but… whass u got?”
I miss the good old days.
10 years ago, the average person you dealt with on Craigslist was a professional in many respects. They knew what they were buying. They knew that it would take a reasonable amount of cash money to buy it. And they knew that their free time shouldn’t have to become your time to the tune of 13 texts that could mostly be answered by just reading the ad.
These days I feel like I’m left with the far left hand side of the bell curve. Of course, there are a few stragglers that find a way of making it to the middle of that curve and beyond. But most times, I’m left to deal with folks with those 13 questions that are spelling catastrophes, and a budget that has mostly champagne on the mind and Schlitz in the wallet.
So, I may as well have fun with it. Here is a nice little cheat sheet that will help you translate those terrible texts with high annoyance, and low rates of sales success.Text message: “What is your absolute lowest price?”Translation “Whatever you say, I’m going to try to knock it down another 50%. You’re welcome!”Text: “R u farm? I have $$$!!!”Translation: I am the doofus who hogs the computers at the public library playing Farmville. I have no $$$!!!.
Text: “What’s the lowest you’ll go?”
Translation: Because whatever you say, it will never be low enough.
Text: “Is it a diesel?”
Translation: I am confused. What does the word gas mean in the description? Also, is this 30 year old Mercedes cheap to own?
Text: “Is it a V8?”
Translation: I can only afford to look at pictures while goofing off in high school. You mentioning that it is a V8 in the title AND description has no bearing on my current reading level.
Text: Can you send me pics?
Translation: Because 24 pictures of a 15 year old Ford Escort wagon is certainly not enough!
Text: “Can you come to my place?”
Translation: No, trust me. You don’t want to go anywhere near my place.
Text: Can I check it out? What is the VIN#? Any mechanical issues? What about maintenance? Did it pass emissions? Tires?Translation: I am going to drive your car for an hour and a half. Then give you a checklist of all the things wrong with your car. Even the ashtray I’ll never use! I will do this on the nicest day of the year. Text: Kelly Blue Book says your car is only worth $2400.Translation: Assuming your five year old Impala has 280,000 miles… is in poor condition… is a base model… and has a rebuilt title.Text: Does it have leather seats?Translation: I will lie to you and say I want cloth instead.Text: Does it have a 5-speed?Translation: I don’t know how to drive one. But can I practice on yours?Text: Are you the original owner?Translation: What does one owner mean?Text: I have cash money!Translation: But not enough to buy your car.Text: My mom needs a car and I have $1200 in cash. Can we work out a deal?Translation: My mom is really my father’s cousin’s former roommate from Hoboken, and he knows absolutely nothing about this.Text: Would you mind if I combine the test drive with some local shopping? I have to get…Translation: The keys are in my hand. The tank is full, and that back seat has my girlfriend’s name written all over it.
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"Can I check it out? What is the VIN#? Any mechanical issues? What about maintenance? Did it pass emissions? Tires?" If these weren't already answered in the ad, they are fair questions. It drives me nuts when sellers act like they are taking precious time out of their day to try to sell a car. Newsflash - buyers don't like spending their afternoon driving to meet a seller only to find a long list of nasty surprises.
...it’s tread not thread on your tires. and it's brakes, not breaks.