Curbside Classic: 1971 Ford Galaxie 500 Pizza Delivery Car

Paul Niedermeyer
by Paul Niedermeyer

I know some of you are getting tired of hearing about Eugene’s eccentricities. But where else can you order up a genuine Curbside Classic to deliver your pizza? That is, as an alternative to bicycle delivery, which is also on tap (oops, sorry). Well, Dominos does claim to be the Pizza Delivery Experts, and if you call the River Road store and ask for Josh to deliver your Cheesybread and Cinnastix, you’ll have a chance to check out his haulin’ 1971 Galaxie 500. Who knows, for the right price, he might even deliver long distance. Just be generous with your tip, because his beast is lucky to break single digits in the mileage department, the way he drives. Which is undoubtedly a lot gentler than I drove the exact same car when I was his age.

Oh boy, does this car ever wash the memories over me; kinda like having a bucket of cold pig piss tossed in my face. Uh oh; am I revealing my delicate feelings about this lovely Ford too soon? We’ve barely started, and I’m trying so hard to be “fair and balanced” these days. But I speak from a deep-vinyl-immersion experience of these ’71 Fords: I was a car jockey in 1970-1971 ( you can read about it here), and I spent my afternoons after high school driving abusing them, and loving/hating every minute of it. In fact, when I think about these loathsome cars, what always appears in my mind’s tortured eye is a vile bile-green-on-green one, exactly like this one.

It was the color combination of choice that year, and we sold scads of them. Seems like they always went into the hands of a milquetoast middle-aged couple that drove it to Immaculate Contraception every Sunday. It screams everything I hated about Towson in 1970, so it does my heart good to see one living out its last days like this. It’s a fitting punishment for it to be pounded into the ground by a kid hauling a load of hot buffalo wings.

It’s not like the ones I drove got any better treatment: my spite for them induced perpetual full throttle, full brake pedal, and full steering wheel inputs, all the time; even simultaneously. How else does one learn about the more bizarre aspects of vehicle dynamics and become an accomplished driver? Actually, I was just following Ford’s new car break-in recommendation: “avoid steady state speeds”. I’m on it!

Not that full throttle accomplished all that much anyway, especially in the barely-running state they arrived in. Every new car back then was ferried by yours truly to a special bay where a full-time dedicated mechanic gave it a thorough tune up! Well, minus the new parts, that is. And he made sure there weren’t any obviously loose parts ready to fall off at the first pot hole.

It was the low point in Ford’s assembly quality parabola. What Old Henry started and Alan Mulally is getting back to, Bunkie Knudsen and Henry II dragged into the gutter. I don’t know that I should blame Bunkie personally, but he was there at the time this car was designed. Which also explains the lovely beak on the nose of this car. Knudsen made his career with Pontiac, or vice versa, as the case may be. He ended up at Ford in ’68 when he was passed over for the GM Presidency, and lasted just long enough to graft his version of what was Pontiac’s key to success in the sixties on the front of the ’70 T-Bird and this Ford.

Hank II never took a liking to him, and reportedly sent Ford’s vice president for public relations, Ted Mecke, to Knudsen’s home at night to inform him that he would be fired, telling Knudsen that “Henry sent me here to tell you that tomorrow will be a rough day at work.” It lead to an inversion of Henry I’s favorite expression “History is bunk” to “Bunkie is history”.

Good riddance. Although Ford in the seventies after Knudsen didn’t amount to all too much either. Iaccoca’s legendary innovation in the early sixties turned into legendary imitation, degradation and stasis. Ford kept big cars while GM was frantically downsizing, which lead to a serious flirt with bankruptcy in 1979. Ford’s recent Death Watch wasn’t the first. Nor the second. Will it be the last?

Let’s stop the speculation and get back to hammering throttles. As I was saying, there wasn’t a lot of zip in these “Total Performance” Fords, despite the racing efforts. Theoretically, the plain-Jane Custom model could be had with the 240 six; but I never had the privilege. The Galaxies started with the 351, which most of them sported. But Josh wants to make sure your pizza arrives piping hot, so his green bomb sports a 400, which was rated at 260 (gross, for the last time) hp.

Sufficient torque to pull donuts on the far-distant back lot of Towson Ford, out of ear and eye-shot of the office. And it would barrel down (then uncrowded) York Road out to Timonium or the Beltway fast enough, until it ran out of breath or threatened to become airborne. But the real test was the trip to the body shop, which was not an uncommon stopping point before delivery. In 1971, Quality was Ford Job No. 472947658489.

Towson Ford’s body shop wasn’t anywhere near Towson at all, but way the hell down Falls Road, a windy old trail-turned-road that followed the eponymous river. That’s where my hate for these barges really blossomed. It felt like I was trying to plow furrows into the pavement with the rims through those tight curves; give me a Pinto, please! No question about it; the big Fords were the sloppiest handlers of the Really Big Three. And by far the ugliest, if you hadn’t already picked up on that between the lines. That leaves the question: does the ’71 Ford have any redeeming qualities? No. But if you don’t believe me, call 541-461-9714, and ask for the BigCheesyFord Special, and confirm it for yourself.

More new Curbside Classics here

Paul Niedermeyer
Paul Niedermeyer

More by Paul Niedermeyer

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  • Crayon Crayon on Mar 11, 2010

    Eugene must be where old POS cars go to die... My father had one of these Galaxies. It was a 2-door and painted in a really strange brownish-green color. Almost looked like it was an Army vehicle. It was a company car and had been run into a pole before he got it. The repair work was really bad; the front bumper had been fitted inside the drivers side fender rather than wrapping around. One day we were getting on to the highway, I-635 around Dallas. The speed limit then was 70 and the normal cruising speed was about 85. He floored it to get on ahead of a car in the right lane and the "mighty" 351 did it's best, which wasn't much. Well, he decided that he wasn't going to make it and lifted off the gas. But the car decided to replicate a future Toyota and kept on accelerating. The gas pedal was stuck. He attempted to shift to neutral and ended up shifting to reverse. The stupid car actually shifted into reverse at full throttle and about 60 mph and we created the biggest cloud of tire smoke I have ever seen. He managed to kill the engine and get off the road. My mom and sister were crying. He was just kind of sitting there, and I could only sit there and go "WOW!". After everybody calmed down he started the car, put it in "D" and we went on our way. The car ran perfectly. He had that car for 2 more years and I can't remember anything ever going wrong with it. It just flat didn't care what you did, just kept on running.

  • Buyford Buyford on Jan 30, 2011

    I am 53 and decided last Sept that i wanted a convertible, as i have always wanted 1. I either wanted a 65 Ford Galaxie, 71 LTD, or a 68 Mercury. The Mercury was cobbled up and huge, the Galaxie wouldnt start, Took the LTD out for a spin, i couldnt believe how huge it was. It was ok but huge and kinda had a spungy ride to it. It burnt oil(blue smoke) and was strating to rust out with the rockers betwen the door and the rear tires. The guy tried to sell me on it, like he said he had $15000 invested in it but i couldnt see where, so i passed and ended up buying a '91 White Mustang Convertible 5.0 H.0. mint with no rust and only 70,000 on it(4 hrs from me), i am glad i waited cuz it was a great deal at $6,000 cert, the other 3 wanted $6,000 too. Its funny, when i was growing up with these BIG cars, they didnt seem so big and i loved them and wanted to own 1, now that i am older, how your tasts sometimes change but i still loved them but wouldnt want 1. Bill

  • Syke Kinda liked the '57, hated the '58. Then again, I hated the entire '58 GM line except for the Chevrolet. Which I liked better than the '57's. Still remember dad's '58 Impala hardtop, in the silver blue that was used as the main advertising color.
  • Dartdude The bottom line is that in the new America coming the elites don't want you and me to own cars. They are going to make building cars so expensive that the will only be for the very rich and connected. You will eat bugs and ride the bus and live in a 500sq-ft. apartment and like it. HUD wants to quit giving federal for any development for single family homes and don't be surprised that FHA aren't going to give loans for single family homes in the very near future.
  • Ravenuer The rear view of the Eldo coupe makes it look fat!
  • FreedMike This is before Cadillac styling went full scale nutty...and not particularly attractive, in my opinion.
  • JTiberius1701 Middle of April here in NE Ohio. And that can still be shaky. Also on my Fiesta ST, I use Michelin Pilot Sport A/S tires for the winter and Bridgestone Potenza for my summer tires. No issues at all.
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