Meet the Renault Vel Satis, erstwhile flagship of the Renault range. Dreamed up in the go-go ’90s for “non-conformist” customers who sought to “distance themselves from the traditional saloon,” the Vel Satis ended up being something of a whipping boy for styling critics. And why not? In retrospect, it’s hard to deny that the thing looks a bit like the love child of a Nissan Versa and a Cadillac DTS. And yes, it is the only car on earth that can make Nicolas Sarkozy look attractive by comparison. In fact, the most apt critique of the Vel Satis’s styling was probably Stephen Bayley’s assesment that it wasn’t quite ugly enough.

After on-again and off-again attempts at an Eurasian marriage ( which I would unreservedly endorse,) Mitsubishi and PSA are doing the thing currently en vogue in Europe: Live happily in sin, and produce little ones. Very little ones.

A year ago I reported how Renault was using French Government money in exchange for keeping jobs in France. Then Renault landed themselves in trouble when Renault wanted to transfer production of the Clio to Turkey and the French Government made their feelings quite clear. Then they started slagging other low cost countries off. Now it appears Renault are at it again, only this time they may succeed.

Renault has made a big splash with their el-cheapo Dacia in the European market. In the first 4 months of this year, 17 percent of Renault’s sales came from Nicolae Ceausescu’s former auto works in Romania. France’s PSA doesn’t want to take it any longer, and now plans for their own low-cost line.

This car won’t have a problem with CAFE rules. Around the world, Shell is conducting Eco-Marathons. The mission: Who gets the farthest on just one liter of fuel. Team Polyjoule from France’s Nantes Polytech turned a quart of gas into 4,414 kilometers, reports Das Autoshaus. If I didn’t make a mistake in my calculation, that’s 10549 MPG. More or less. Staying the whole 4,414 km in the coffin-like contraption should receive an extra prize.

It’s tough to be a European car maker with a governmental sugar daddy. First you have to make nice with your sugar daddy, and commit unspeakable acts until he shakes loose a few hundred million Euro. Then, the prudes from Brussels shoot the stipend down. Your sugar daddy can say: “Darling, I tried.” He then can go on with the business of bailing out Mediterranean states. So it happened with Renault. So it might happen with Opel.

France’s PSA wants a bigger slice of the growing Chinese pie. They agreed to set up a joint venture with government-owned Changan. Peugeot already has a joint venture with Changan’s rival Dongfeng, while Changan has a joint venture with Ford. Nevertheless, the new JV will “not compete directly with other partnerships,” the companies said in a statement published by Bloomberg.

Within the Renault-Nissan alliance, Carlos Ghosn must have felt like he was the king. He and Louis Schweitzer were the architects of the fourth largest car making entity in the world. Then the Board of Directors chopped his legs out by vetoing his deal with Roger Penske to supply Saturn with Renault cars and, suddenly, Carlos Ghosn had a very sharp lesson. In the Renault-Nissan alliance, no-one is too big to fail. So when it came to his re-election as CEO, no-one thought it was a cut and dried affair. Well, on Thursday the 29/04/2010, Mr Ghosn received his second term at Renault. And he set out some targets to show the BoD he means business.

Reuters reports that over his next 4 year term, Ghosn envisions the following:

The French-Japanese relations continue to bloom. Here is the latest tie-up. Forget former on-again, then off-again relationships. This time, it’s serious. The Nikkei [sub] reports that Mitsubishi Motors and France’s PSA have tied the knot and will jointly breed new sports utility vehicles.

When people get married, they normally follow it up with a honeymoon and (at least traditionally) the consummation of said marriage. So, when Daimler and Renault-Nissan got hitched, how do you think they’d celebrate their first year of marriage? Build a car a together? Announce a joint venture factory? Start sharing dealerships? No. They had an argument. Just like your old polyamorous married couple.

Dr. Z. is glad that yesterday’s annual stockholders meeting in Berlin is behind him. To fend of criticism, Zetsche had to set ambitious goals: Daimler’s sales will grow twice as fast as the industry average. Good luck with that.

Guess who was matchmaker for Daimler’s three-way tie-up with Renault and Nissan? The Nikkei [sub] thinks it was Volkswagen. VW’s alliance with Suzuki “spooks Daimler into thinking small,” says the Tokyo business paper. And that’s quite a change for formerly bigthinking Daimler.

Having just sealed the three-way tie-up between Renault, Nissan, and Daimler, Carlos Ghosn already lusts for more. At a press conference in Brussels, Ghosn said the alliance is open to new partners to get in bed with. Muses The Nikkei [sub]: “He may envision a grand coalition of Japanese, European and U.S. automakers.”

During the courtship stage between Geely and Volvo, and after their recent nuptials in Gothenburg, Sweden, we often raised the matter of Chang’an. Chang’an has had a joint venture with Ford since 2001. Under the JV, they also make Volvos in China, the S40 and S80, to be exact. They don’t make them in large numbers. 22,405 Volvos were sold in China last year, up nearly 80 percent compared to 2008. The S40 has been on the Chinese market since 2006. The S80L, a long version of the S80, was introduced last year. Chang’an had been in play as a suitor for Volvo, but bowed out.

What will happen to Chang’an’s Volvos?

So today, Renault, Daimler, and Nissan did what we said they would do and announced a three-way tie-up. Which is good, because we are running out of inappropriate pictures. The marriage goes far beyond the exchange of symbolical stock holdings.

After reading the tealeaves and other more reliable indicators, it looks like Renault, Nissan, and Daimler will announce their happy three-way partnership and cross-shareholdings on Wednesday.

In the world of automobiles, it appears that China isn’t the only fruit ripe for the plucking. Brazil is buzzing. They’re weathering the current economic fragility very well, and companies are looking to invest in there. Down in Brazil, economically speaking, it’s car-naval time!

I’m running out of gratuitous tie-up pictures, so let’s celebrate the good news with a video: The Nikkei [sub] sends us the news that Nissan and Daimler “are in the final stages of negotiations to obtain stakes of less than 5 percent in each other.” This comes on the heels of yesterday’s news that Daimler and Renault will exchange shares. With Nissan joining the couple, the tripartite axis will be perfect. No Italians this time.

PSA, Europe’s second largest car maker after Volkswagen (14.9 percent and 20.8 percent market share respectively in February 2010, as per ACEA) considers changing their name, says Bloomberg. There are several choices on the table, the front-runner appears to be …

Time to break out the (tasteful) shibari pictures. “Nissan would seriously consider joining a comprehensive tie-up between Renault S.A. and Daimler AG if the alliance they are discussing happens,” says The Nikkei [sub]. With Renault and Nissan tied-up both at the hips and on top, such a move would make more than just sense.

Again, Renault and Daimler are reported to having a serious tête–à-tête that could lead to a formal marriage. According to the Financial Times, “Daimler and Renault are discussing acquiring mutual equity stakes as part of a possible alliance that would go beyond their current talks on small cars.” Their source? “Two people briefed on the matter.”

Stakes to be bought or swapped were likely to be smaller than 10 per cent.

European new car sales have fallen back to crisis levels. With many of the incentive programs withdrawn or phasing out, it’s back to reality. Reality is quite rough. Basically, Europe is back where it was in the carmageddon days of early 2009. The few bright spots are caused by on-going life support measures. Without government generosity, the European market place would be a wasteland.

New passenger car registrations in the EU increased by a mere 3 percent in February. Compared to the pre-crisis levels of February 2008, new car registrations decreased by 16 percent, reports the European Automobile Manufacturers Association ACEA.

The U.S. has its hypermiling. Europe has its hyperkilometreing. In a European orderly fashion, of course. Germany has its Sprit-Spar-Meisterschaft, formerly sponsored and dominated by Volkswagen, now sponsored and dominated by Toyota. France has the Peugeot Eco Cup.

This is a competition in which different Peugeot (surprise, surprise) models are driven by everyday drivers to see if they can meet or beat official fuel consumption figures. The cars were driven 1000km on French and Swiss roads in wintery conditions (that must have been a picturesque drive). The results of the 2010 Peugeot Eco Cup are in (via The Auto Channel).

With the Chinese planning an electrical assault on Europe, with Nissan preparing their Leaf and with Renault charging-up Zoe, Peugeot-Citroen (PSA) is probably feeling a little exposed right now. Bad enough PSA failed to work out an agreement with Mitsubishi. Now they’re deficient in the no carbs category. But don’t worry, a white knight is coming to the rescue and offering them a ready-made electric vehicle. That’s right, they couldn’t work out a capital tie-up, but PSA and Mitsubishi Motors worked out an agreement on electric cars.

Should you be working at a Renault (or Nissan) outfit that is not directly involved in the making and selling of cars, be on the lookout for people from headquarters. Renault is combing its assets all over the world for “non-strategic” ones that could be sold off to raise cash.

In order to save Nissan from certain death in 1999, Renault dispatched Carlos Ghosn to Japan to take over as COO. The French-Lebanese Brazilian was promoted President of the Nipponese carmaker, and CEO in June 2001. In Japan, he had shocked the conservatives, later he became a cult figure, a gaijin shogun. He was even immortalised in a manga. In 2005, Ghosn was crowned King of the Realm and became CEO of Renault.

So, you’d think by now that Monsieur Ghosn-sama is sick to death of the Franco-Nipponese alliance? And that the 55 year old will retire to the South of France?

Last December, France’s PSA group and Japan’s Mitsubishi Motors seemed to get really tight (and set off the memorable TTAC series of shibari illustrations.)

Something must have happened during their courtship. The main players met on neutral ground at the Geneva auto show and called off the engagement.

In these times of bailouts, stimuli and protectionism, it’s probably a good time to remind ourselves of the basic tenets of capitalism. In short, let the free market run free and things will adjust themselves. Or so they say. If factory costs are too high, you either cut costs or move to a place that has lower costs. This is why Eastern Europe is so popular for European manufacturing companies. Cheap labor, low overheads and no tariffs due to EU membership. However, as I said earlier, when a free market is allowed to be free, things will adjust. And adjust, they have.

You don’t want to be traveling in or to Europe these days. In Germany, Lufthansa’s pilots went on strike this morning, grounding 3200 planes. “The largest strike in the history of German aviation” ( Die Welt) paralyzed German air traffic, and caused jams on the ground as travelers switched from planes to trains and automobiles.

Meanwhile next door in France, a nation is running out of gas. Workers at the six refineries owned by the country’s biggest oil group, Total, have been striking for more than a month. The work stoppage threatens to spread “to the two French oil refineries owned by US group Exxon Mobil, where strikes are planned for Tuesday,” reports the BBC.

Yesterday, we wrote about how Dieter Zetsche needs to start earning his retirement. He took the suggestion to heart. Automobilemag.com has it that the long rumoured liaison between Daimler and Renault will finally bear fruits. Daimler and Renault will have baby twins!

Denmark is keen to show the world, especially after the Copenhagen Conference, that they mean “green.” Denmark is setting up an infrastructure to support electric car recharging, however the other side to this grand scheme are throwing their toys out of the electric car. The Copenhagen Post reports that Renault are threatening to withdraw the electric cars which they were supposed to supply to “Better Place”, the company monitoring the installation of the electric car infrastructure. The reason behind this shocking behaviour (see what I did there?) is that Renault believe that the Danish government are not giving enough favourable car tax breaks to electric cars. The government’s policy is to give electric cars exemption from normal vehicle registration tax of 180%* until 2012.

Money Control reports that the French government threatened to increase its stake in Renault from 15.01% to 20%. Not because it believes in the company and its products (would you trust a Renault Megane over a Honda Civic or Toyota Auris?), but to further exert control over Renault. Why would it want to do that? Well, that could probably have something to do with the French government’s invite to Carlos Ghosn for a little “sitdown” over the rumours that Renault may produce its new generation of Clio in Turkey, rather than its plant in Flins, France, where the current generation is built.

France celebrated New Year’s Eve in its own special way: 1,137 cars went up in flames all across the country. According to Reuters, the number of vehicles torched was only 10 short of the record 1,147 burned last year. France’s Interior Ministry mobilized 45,000 police during the night, 10,000 more than 12 months ago – apparently with little effect.

Mitsubishi Motors and PSA sure don’t waste any time. Hours after the news of their impending nuptials were announced, the happy couple retreated to a love hotel in the Kabuki-cho district of Shinjuku and hatched further plans on top of their planned capital tie-up.