Ace of Base: 2018 Kringle S-1

Matthew Guy
by Matthew Guy

I’ll be the first to admit I haven’t been a completely good boy this year. The Charger *may* have strayed over the speed limit once or five, I still haven’t replaced that funky rad cap on the Ram, and I did indeed say nothing when handed 13 donuts in a box that was only supposed to contain a dozen. And the less said about that incident on my birthday, the better.

It’s time to butter up the Jolly Old Elf, lest I find coal in my stocking again this year. Santa’s workshop has rolled out a new sleigh for 2018, the S-1, and it only comes in a single trim.

The S-1 is not equipped with a single electronic feature, important when soaring around the world at light speed. Fragile navigation screens and temperamental voice command systems do not cope well with the freezing temperatures found at high altitudes.

No oversized rimz and tires will be found on today’s Ace of Base, either. In place of those we find a simple set of runners — reliable technology that has worked well and been around since the Dark Ages. Freshly waxed by a team of dutiful elves, these skis will dash through the snow better than a set of new Blizzaks.

Storage space is also abundant in the S-1. Indeed, it seems limitless, given the amount of cargo Father Christmas takes with him when he leaves the North Pole on December 24th. We cannot vouch for its security system, however, as the sled always seems to come back empty. The front seat is threadbare but provides acceptable room for two, three in a pinch if the driver does not partake in too many rounds of milk and cookies on his trip. Don’t count on it, though.

Propulsion is rated in RP (reindeer power) and, like Rolls Royce in the ’60s, is simply listed as “adequate.” It is fuelled primarily by oats and carrots, which always seem to be provided for free by adoring fans along the S-1’s yearly journey. Maximum payload is in the neighborhood of 100,000 tons, depending on the number of Playstation PS4s or Fisher-Price Magical Light-Up Palace sets are requested throughout the year. We remain unsure of the S-1’s sticker price.

In any event, thanks for riding along with our Ace of Base series in 2018. Your ferocious defence and passionate rebuttal of our selections this year is what helps to make the B&B one of the best communities on the internet. Whatever you celebrate this time of year, we hope you enjoy it.

Matthew Guy
Matthew Guy

Matthew buys, sells, fixes, & races cars. As a human index of auto & auction knowledge, he is fond of making money and offering loud opinions.

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