Super Piston Slap: No Free Stuff For You!

Every “How To” automotive series pushes the aftermarket hard for free stuff, even under-the-radar journos like Zach Bowman and Regular Car Reviews find themselves with free/discounted goodies. I’ve done product reviews in TTAC’s past, so this isn’t a Baruthian hit piece on journalistic greed. Heck, Bowman generously donated his pre-sponsorship clutch for TTAC’s Ford Sierra (more on that much later) and Mr. Regular seems like a righteous enough dude.

So instead, think of my work as the alternative to PowerBlock TV. What work is this, you may ask?

For the last 16 years, I’ve foolishly idiotically spent a metric ton of cash to resto-mod my Fox Body 1983 Lincoln Continental Valentino, because it’s the car that got me hooked on cars and it’s the ideal restomod for my bizarre tastes.

Bye-bye rusty, crusty 5.0-liter V8 making a pathetic 130 horsepower. Bye bye to my savings, too.

One reason this project costs so much is I’m not doing the heavy lifting: Classic Cars of Houston accepted the challenge even though it’s far from their usual fare of pre-war icons and ’50-’60s classics.

Maybe I should promote Exide for its explodey batteries, circa 1993. Luckily replacement Mustang sheetmetal from Late Model Restoration lowered repair costs … a little.

Classic Cars of Houston did a fine job soda blasting, but I doubt Coca-Cola would give me a single red cent. (Kidding!)

Fresh chocolate underhood, grey paint on the chassis, and several years sitting on Classic Cars of Houston’s rotisserie (while more valuable projects rolled by) gave me time to refill the coffers for things like this lovely small-block Ford V8.

LSX-FTW wasn’t a thing when I started, and a free Ford Racing crate motor isn’t hug worthy. No off-the-shelf combo works for an overweight automatic Fox Body: peep the bespoke 331 CID stroker with Dart heads and a custom, torque rich cam. Then again, maybe Dart has a well-funded PR department?

I hate aftermarket suspensions: they lack compliance in their thin-walled polyurethane bushings. And since Houston roads suck, no way I’d take a vendor freebie. Like gourmet lobster mac-n-cheese, I threw more cash at Classic Cars of Houston for a classy riff on a poor man’s modification: the infamous (?) boxed lower control arms via flat sheetmetal stock trick.

See that long-since-out-of-production GT-40 tubular intake? They don’t come cheap and nobody’s donating one to my, um, autoblogging charity. Would anyone choose an off-the-shelf cast intake over this tubular beauty, even if it was free?

Will a wicked-bad 5.0 Mustang cold air intake kit sway me over a bespoke creation utilizing the Continental’s Ram Air intake below the headlights? Lincoln’s obscure factory engineering is why I stick to my guns, cost be damned.

Koni discontinued their Mustang SVO dampers, and I never asked for the famous autojourno discount of its factory rebuild services. Ditto for the Continental-turned-SVO control arms, rebuilt only by Rare Parts in Stockton, CA. The front coil springs came from another Fox project (thanks, Coil Spring Specialties) and the ginormous sway bar was pulled from in a junked Thunderbird Turbo (thanks, forgotten junkyard now owned by LKQ).

Note that factory Continental/SVO K-member (in gray). There’s no fancy tube-intensive aftermarket replacement for this Continental. NVH control above all else, I’d reject a free kit from Griggs Racing.

Even without a kick-back, I’ll thank eBay Motors for allowing one to buy NOS Koni rear dampers (intended for a 1980 Thunderbird) and the 7.5-inch differential girdle. And to Summit Racing for its SVT Cobra-esque 1-inch rear sway bar.

And how could I forget my local to O’Reilly Auto Parts! The rest of the suspension/brakes came from their inventory!

(Necessary aside: I’d never accept a free Ford 8.8-inch axle assembly from an aftermarket vendor. I reckon the factory 7.5-inch has less parasitic drag. My Mustang SVO limited-slip differential was proudly bought as a poor-ish college student. I won’t run racing slicks. The factory rear discs made popular by the Lincoln Versailles seals the Restomod deal.)

Perhaps I should’ve asked Maximum Motorsports for a discount on its brilliantly engineered Fox Mustang strut tower brace. They did work with Zach Bowman on the Ecoboost Fox Body. Perhaps they have a full refund policy in exchange for MAD SEO BENEFITZ???

But this terrible pimpatorial restoration update merely scratched the surface and overlooks the blizzard of NOS parts bought on eBay Motors for cheap. Seriously eBay, it’s time for a Gift Card!

So riddle me this, Best and Brightest: how can I get free stuff to complete the restoration?

I’m thinking:

• New rubber from Tire Rack (for the 1994 Mustang Cobra 17 x 8-inch wheels)
• Fresh new Vogues (for the stock 15-inch wire wheels)
• A bitchin’ Crutchfield.com stereo system backing up my old school McIntosh CD player
• Maybe I’ll whore myself out for a custom leather upholstery from Katskin. Or maybe Valentino himself is up to the challenge?
• New factory Valentino paint job from The Lincoln Motor Company, just like Ludacris and his Acura Legend. I mean, I’m totally famous like him, right?

[Images: © 2016 Sajeev Mehta/The Truth About Cars]