Nobody Wants Real Trucks, So Dealers Don't Have Real Trucks, So You Can't Have Real Trucks, Because You Don't Want Real Trucks

At this moment, according to AutoTrader and Cars.com, there are fewer than three dozen new Ram 1500 EcoDiesel Tradesman 4×4 Regular Cab pickup trucks available in the United States.

That’s right, of the roughly 8,000 Ram EcoDiesels and nearly 80,000 Ram 1500s available in the United States, there are approximately 30 available in a traditional working pickup truck format: diesel power, two doors, long box, base trim, four-wheel drive.

This is no slight on Ram or Fiat Chrysler Automobiles’ dealers. They’re simply responding to the market’s demands.

You, by which we mean the truck buying collective, don’t want real trucks. So you can’t have one. Because it’s highly unlikely you can find one, because dealers know you don’t want one.

This wasn’t the pickup truck arena in which you or I grew up. True, my father drove a crew cab pickup truck, but it was an early ’80s GMC three-quarter ton with a box that extended into the next zip code, a burgundy used primarily for towing our Jayco and thus parked for much of the winter.

Yet doesn’t that explain part of the modern pickup truck’s all-around appeal? It never crossed my father’s mind to replace his beat-up old truck and Audi 5000 with a lone pickup truck: fast and leather-lined, quiet, parkable downtown, bed covered with a waterproof tonneau.

Tonneau? That sounds like something you’d sling over your Peugeot 504 Cabriolet.

Trucks now fulfill many purposes. For urban commuters, light-duty full-size trucks are becoming sufficiently efficient. For families, crew cab pickup trucks place children so far away from their parents that a thrown cheerio can’t be tossed into the front seat. And don’t think of these as cargo beds – they’re trunks that can be used, in a pinch, as a traditional truck bed. Quiet? Silent. Fast? Like a rocketship. Luxurious? Many so-called luxury cars feel spartan in comparison.

And in selling such fast, quiet, family-friendly, flexible, luxurious pickup trucks – the proverbial F-150 SuperCrew EcoBoost Platinum Limited – automakers can greatly improve their profit margins on already profitable vehicles.

As a result, fewer than one percent of the F-150s currently in stock at U.S. Ford dealers are regular cab XLs with four-wheel-drive. Only 0.5 percent of the available Chevrolet Silverados are six-cylinder, regular cab 4x4s. North of the border, only one out of every 20 pickup trucks sold by GM Canada in the first five months of 2016 were regular cab Silverados and Sierras; seven in 10 were full-fledged crew cab models.

Of course, it’s not just that buyers don’t want basic pickup trucks. Buyers don’t want regular cab, two or three-seat pickup trucks in general, regardless of the equipment level, so automakers aren’t offering them. There’s no regular cab variants of GM’s new midsize trucks, nor are there regular cabs offered by the Colorado/Canyon’s two rivals from Nissan and Toyota. The Toyota Tundra’s regular cab format is only available in base SR trim. The Nissan Titan XD was launched exclusively in crew cab form.

And back at Ram, don’t go looking for a Laramie, Rebel, Laramie Longhorn, or Limited 1500 with anything less than four doors. Y’ain’t gonna find one.

U.S. pickup truck sales are on track to rise to a nine-year high in 2016.

[Image Source: FCA & Ford]

Timothy Cain is the founder of GoodCarBadCar.net, which obsesses over the free and frequent publication of U.S. and Canadian auto sales figures. Follow on Twitter @goodcarbadcar and on Facebook.