Bark's Bites: The Different Types of Car Guys

It doesn’t take long in any conversation in which I am a participant for some car-related topic to arise. It could be about hobbies, or jobs, or interests — I’m probably going to mention cars in some way, shape, or form if you ask me about any of the above.

Where the conversations go from there, however, can be nearly anywhere, based on the type of guy who’s asking. And I think that’s kind of cool.

Once they find out I’m into cars, men tend to want to know the following four things, and nearly always in this order (or something close to it):

1. What kind of car do you have?
2. Have you done any modifications to it?
3. How fast have you driven it?
4. Have you ever taken it out on a track?

The reactions that they have to my answers puts them into one of these categories:

The Tinkerer

This guy is normally thrilled to hear “Boss 302” come out of my mouth in response to the first question, only to be followed by swift disappointment when I say “absolutely none” in response to the second. The Tinkerer likes to talk about the custom tune he’s done to his car, or maybe about the special parts he’s had fabricated for it. Very rarely does the Tinkerer have a late-model car; it’s almost always something a little bit older that he’s been working on for quite some time. He’ll rattle off a list of modifications that he’s made, along with how long it took him to do it and how much it cost him.

Older Tinkerers tend to gravitate toward American Muscle, while younger Tinkerers are more likely interested in Boost Buggies. In fact, younger Tinkerers are often more excited to hear “Fiesta ST” than “Boss 302.” I’m guessing that this is due to both the rise of the Fast and Furious culture and the fairly large price delta between your typical muscle/pony car and an early-model Evo. Sometimes The Tinkerer likes to take their creation to the drag strip, but they more often find joy in the garage.

I love Tinkerers because they’re very left-brained as a whole, which means that they love to make a long-term plan and work on it. I’ve met Tinkerers who have been working on a car for three years and have another three to go — and it doesn’t bother them one bit. They’re also not necessarily attached to that car. They’ll happily finish the project, sell it, and start another.

TTAC Example: Murilee Martin, a little bit of Sajeev (and Sanjeev) Mehta

The Stats Guy

This guy tends to be really interested in the first and third questions. Once he finds out what kind of car I’ve got, he’s immediately recalled from his vast reservoir of automotive stats that it runs about a 4-second zero-to-sixty and a mid-twelve quarter. He might ask me what other cars I’ve owned in the past, or what cars I benchmarked my purchases against.

Stats Guy tends to be somewhat agnostic when it comes to brand loyalty. He’s equally comfortable telling me what size engines were available in the 1994 Nissan Sentra as he is telling me how much horsepower rumbles from an ACR Viper.

However, most of what Stats Guy knows can be attributed to a nearly fanatical absorption of buff books and automotive forums. He’s almost certain to have never driven his car on any sort of track, and it’s even possible that he’s never owned one of the cars he’s committed to memory. He’s like the basketball analytics guy who never played the game. I love Stats Guy because it’s all about the numbers for him. He’s the coolest possible kind of savant.

TTAC Example: Tim Cain, a little bit of Alex Dykes

The Relationship Builder

This guy is SUPER EXCITED (!!!) about your car — but only because YOU are. He wants to hear all about the purchase experience. He wants to know why you picked that color. He’s incredibly impressed that you’re brave enough to track it, and wants to know the coolest track you’ve ever driven. He definitely knows somebody else who has the same car that you do, and he would love to connect the two of you.

For the Relationship Builder, it’s all about the personal connection. He’s probably the moderator of his marque forum, and while he might have some technical or historical knowledge of cars, he’s much more interested in the social aspect of cars. He loves everybody else’s car just as much as he loves his, and he’s the first one to post pictures from Cars and Coffee.

Not only does he have a great relationship with YOU, he’s got a great relationship with HIS car. Every scratch in the paint has a story, but it won’t be there long because he’s intimately familiar with how to use a clay bar. He’s not a car flipper, but when the time to say goodbye comes, his Craigslist ad usually says something like, “I hate to do it, but I have to sell my baby.”

I love the Relationship Builder because he’s the guy who’s up early at 7:00 a.m. to set up the autocross course. He’s the one who encourages new people to join the club. He’s a friend to everyone who shares his passion. Cars are his emotional home. He might be a little awkward outside the scene, but he fits right in with his car buddies.

TTAC Example: Chris Tonn, Ronnie Schreiber

The Weekend Warrior

This cat is intense. Whether it’s autocross, drag racing, or wheel-to-wheel racing, this dude takes his helmet-wearing time very, very seriously. He might have a few extra stickers on his car — either autocross contingency stickers or a myriad of track outline stickers from the circuits where he’s piloted his car (guilty) — but his car is almost never what one might consider “clean.” Only question number four really matters to him. Quite often the Weekend Warrior races a car that isn’t necessarily considered to be “cool” by the general public, like a Neon or an old E30.

Mechanical ability doesn’t hurt, but it isn’t a must to be a weekend warrior (also guilty), because he might have “a guy.” He’s more interested in tire pressures and shock settings than in anything else. His car has undoubtedly been on a dyno at least once. He knows every nook and cranny of the rulebook, and he knows exactly how far he can bend those rules without breaking them.

I love the Weekend Warrior because he understands the true nature of competition, but note that I don’t include “Track Day Guy” under this category. Weekend Warrior is willing to risk tens of thousands of dollars in equipment — or even his very life — just so he can get a chance to get his hands on a plastic trophy that will mean almost nothing to anybody else in his life. His non-racing friends undoubtedly think that he’s nuts for spending so much time and effort on his hobby, but he simply can’t quit. He’s got the racing flu.

TTAC Example: Jack Baruth, Mental Ward [and you, you idiot -Mark]

There are several more categories that I could talk about (Hellaflush Guy, Exotic Guy, Collector Guy), and some people might even fall into a few different ones, but I think that the important thing to realize here is that all of us are car guys. Too often we tend to think that our personal variety of Car Guy is the best or only type that there is; I know I’ve been guilty of it in the past. Just because we don’t love cars in the same way, that doesn’t mean that we don’t all love cars.

Regardless of the type that you might be, I’ve the maddest of respect for you. Thanks for being part of this great community that we’ve built here together.