By on June 26, 2015

Facebook Communication With East Hampton Town Police Department Over Dan's News Article

[UPDATE: Everything below this update comes from a satirical article, one of many Dan’s Papers has published in its over five decades of publishing.

Thanks to prompting by the B&B, I asked the East Hampton Town Police Department via Facebook about the article. This was what they said, for those who can’t see the new photo above:

Hoax. 2% Tax cap on municipalities, we have a very tight budget. Any time you see “hamptons” police, it’s a hoax…. All the police agencies are East Hampton Town, East Hampton Village, Southampton Town, etc….there is no Hamptons police. Dan’s is famous for their farce pieces. Sorry.

I hate that I was fooled by this, and apologize for reporting it as news in the first place.

P.S. To the staff at Dan’s Papers: I did a better job of fooling people than you, and I did it without trying – CA].

Though not planned to be as flashy and in-your-face as the oil states do it, the Hamptons Police Department now has its own fleet of luxury police cars.

HPD’s first 10 vehicles — all slated for undercover duty — were delivered Wednesday, Dan’s Papers says, totalling $1.3 million for the trouble. Spokesman Larry Hirsch explains the need for the luxury fleet:

When 75 percent of all of the vehicles on local roads are Range Rovers, Maseratis and Porsches, our unmarked Crown Vics stuck out like sore thumbs. In recent years our undercover officers’ activities have been severely compromised — everyone can tell they’re cops from the cars they drive!

To better blend in, Hirsch says the fleet includes “a pair of very high-powered Porsches, an Aston-Martin, a nice variety of BMWs, a Maybach and a couple of luxury SUVs.”

At least 20 more luxury vehicles are expected join in the coming months, with plans in the offing for a sub-fleet of vintage Rolls-Royce and Austin-Healey models to help patrol the mean streets of the Hamptons in secret.

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72 Comments on “[UPDATED] Hamptons Police Department Acquires New Luxury Undercover Police Fleet...”


  • avatar
    Hummer

    Police stick out everywhere, even the undercover cars are quite obvious, the lights “hidden” in the grill are all too evident. I remember when the sheriffs department got 2-3 red Camaro SS’s just a few weeks after they were introduced, still pretty obvious seeing the “hidden” light bars.

    I was going to post buying SS sedans would be more appropriate, but reading the article makes me think restored Wagoneers with LS power may be more appropriate, just have the Chargers/Taurus/Caprice waiting hidden away in case a pursuit is needed, double so if they think they can evade an old undercover Wagoneer.

    • 0 avatar
      Hummer

      Since I can’t edit my comment…

      Anyone else expecting a reality TV show to become of this?

    • 0 avatar
      Lou_BC

      Hummer – in my town the police have an interesting assortment of “ghost cars”. I’ve seen a F150 and Ram 1500. They also have a few unmarked Tahoe’s. one is grey with blacked out windows and black steel wheels. They have a white Tahoe with a stick family in the back window. I always laugh at that one. They aren’t truly “undercover” vehicles but traffic cops trying to blend in.
      The K9 units are always easy to spot and I easily spotted 3 ERT (SWAT units) during our National Winter Games competitions.

      • 0 avatar
        Hummer

        Haha, I would love to be the cop on the Tahoe with the stick family. I’ve seen marked F150s in Ohio, but the best I’ve seen near me were the unmarked Camaro SS’s. The Tahoes on the other hand are very popular, some undercover usually with LS/LT trim.

        • 0 avatar
          Lou_BC

          Hummer – they should have stick people cuffing stick people

          • 0 avatar
            Hummer

            Haha that’s awesome, have you seen the ones online with one parent and kid(s), and then a stick figure of the other parent behind bars?

          • 0 avatar
            Lou_BC

            @Hummer – no. I’ll google it. I did see a young dude drive by once in a pickup and the stick figure was of a stick guy having sex with a bent over stick girl. The caption underneath , ” I’m working on it”.
            That was really funny.

            I saw a lifted Jeep with “Run you Stick bastards” . A Jeep was chasing them down. That one’s funny too.

    • 0 avatar
      krhodes1

      The only giveaway for the fleet of Mustangs the Maine State Police run is the darker than legal tint jobs. And given the number of knobs with illegal tint running around, that doesn’t really make them stand out that much.

      • 0 avatar
        Hummer

        Are Mustangs common in Maine? With RWD and all.

        The lights in the grill are always the give away for me, can’t really hide them with tint.

        • 0 avatar
          krhodes1

          In the summer, very common. In the winter, not so much – the winter beater is a very common thing up here. The Staties don’t run theirs in the winter either. IIRC, they have a dozen or two total. Back when Maine ran Caprices for cop cars, they had a summer fleet of Camaros.

          The lights are not in the grill, they are on the dash. You can’t see them with the tint. From behind, at night, you can see the computer if the cop has it on though.

          Their favorite thing seems to be doing the speed limit in the right lane and waiting for idiots to blow by them. Like shooting fish in a barrel. I’ve seen them pull over whole lines of cars that way.

  • avatar
    Volt 230

    And some communities have 10 yr old cruisers that are falling apart, like everything else these days, the gap haves and have-nots continues to increase.

    • 0 avatar
      Hummer

      Not really a problem, those cruisers in the hamptons have a very high tax rate keeping them on the street. The communities with the 10 year old Vics, (in most cases) are more than happy with the almost non-existent local taxes.

    • 0 avatar
      hifi

      You should see the fire trucks and emergency vehicles in East Hampton. They are always the newest and shiniest available. The fire stations are spotless and powered by solar panels. Generally all donated by wealthy families and businesses.

  • avatar
    RetroGrouch

    Routine traffic patrol should never drive unmarked vehicles. Of course, if traffic patrol is treated as revenue enhancement rather than public service, less conspicuous cruisers will definitely increase the take (tax) rate.

  • avatar
    sproc

    A small handful I can understand for occasional surveillance duty or protective details. But more than 20?? BS, the Hamptons are just not that big. This smells like traffic revenue collection to me. The hypocrisy is glaring. If this was really about public safety, the fact that normal patrol vehicles stand out so much and encourage people to obey the law would be an asset, not a liability.

    • 0 avatar
      28-Cars-Later

      The first ten are to be used for undercover duty. Now what the local police force of a small wealthy borough is doing for undercover to require ten cars might be another question.

    • 0 avatar
      Veee8

      It wreaks of entitlement, and yes I thought an obvious Police presence was the deterrent. Do they supply Hublot watches for the officers so they truly feel part of the community?

      • 0 avatar
        Hummer

        Never heard of hublot, so I looked it up (mobile version) first image was pretty cool, then you scroll down and you see multiple points trying to sell the watches as “Fashion statements”… Really? What kind of loser would buy that crap after you just tried to tell them that the watch is a fashion statement?

        • 0 avatar
          bball40dtw

          Did you scroll down farther to see the prices?

          • 0 avatar
            Hummer

            I can’t find the prices, again I’m using my phone…

            Still looking for them…

            Edit: shop on Google shows then ranging from $8,500- $132,000. My guess is they’re catering to the uneducated lottery winners that can somehow manage to spend $250,000,000 in a year.

          • 0 avatar
            bball40dtw

            Let’s just say, at my previous job, my manager’s boss paid more for a Hublot than I did for my CPO Lincoln.

          • 0 avatar
            Hummer

            That’s just stupid ridiculous, what’s going through someone’s mind to spend that much to impress people you don’t know? Because the people you already know have an idea of what kind of person you are, no matter how much money you have.

          • 0 avatar
            krhodes1

            Or maybe they just like the watch? Not everyone buys extravagant things to impress other people.

          • 0 avatar
            Hummer

            Maybe so, I just can’t imagine a high level of quality on a product that sells on pop culture, despite the price.

            But who knows, maybe the discriminating connoisseur sees it differently.

          • 0 avatar
            bball40dtw

            If he liked the watch, fine. I didn’t really like him. He’s the kind of guy that would tell us to cut expenses (people) by having a meeting, that he flew in for on a private jet, at a Ritz or a boutique hotel. He also would take us off agenda by talking about himself for lengthy periods of time and make me late for meetings with customers or things I scheduled after work.

          • 0 avatar
            krhodes1

            So in other words he was a typical senior exec?

          • 0 avatar
            bball40dtw

            I guess so. Where I work now, Senior Management is much better. There is less waste and more collaboration. Being up higher on the totem pole helps too. Maybe one day I can grow up and be a senior exec without being an a$$.

          • 0 avatar
            28-Cars-Later

            @bball

            You have to think like Homer if you’re going to get ahead.

            BART: No offense, Homer, but your half-assed underparenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed overparenting.

            HOMER: But I’m using my whole ass.

  • avatar
    28-Cars-Later

    “a sub-fleet of vintage Rolls-Royce and Austin-Healey models to help patrol the mean streets of the Hamptons in secret.”

    This is nuts to me. I get the idea of blending in but are you telling me *vintage* Rolls Royces and Austin-Healys (of all things) are so common they blend in? So there are a bunch of British Leyland products floating around there used as beaters?

  • avatar
    Lou_BC

    Remember Miami Vice?
    They could re-skin a Corvette ;)

    What about “proceeds of crime” seizures?

  • avatar
    Power6

    Read the article, it reads like an April Fools day joke. They have another article there about the Hamptons Police getting a submarine. Must be Dans Papers’ little in-joke. You got duped but there is still time to claim you knew it was fake. All in a days work of cutting and pasting Internet news I guess.

  • avatar
    jim brewer

    “Unmarked” and “undercover” are two different things.

    For undercover, the best thing is to get a forfeiture car or two from the next state over.

  • avatar
    OneAlpha

    I always liked the idea of PDs decaling the words “Unmarked Police Car” down the side of an incognito Crown Vic or Charger.

    Because a big sedan with black steel wheels, blackout trim and dual exhaust pipes is, like, totally unnoticable by the general public.

    • 0 avatar
      DevilsRotary86

      There was a really old computer game for ye olde DOS. It was either Street Rod or Street Rod 2, I can’t remember which. You could put decals on your car. One that you could put on was a big sheriff style star with a banner underneath that said “I am not a cop”.

      That would be kinda cool to actually do, if you own a retired police car.

  • avatar
    PentastarPride

    Just because there’s higher incomes within the ZIP codes they serve does not suddenly make it acceptable to buy expensive or exotic cars just to “fit in”. Even if the area is chock full of Range Rovers, Rolls-Royces, Maybachs and so on doesn’t mean the police department has to match.

    If the usual suspects stick out (Crown Vic, Charger, Caprice/Impala, Taurus, et al), get something else. Fusion. Dart. Escape. Grand Caravan. Cruze. None of these are obvious police vehicles. If anything, they’ll be assumed to be rental cars of vacationers.

    It doesn’t matter how much wealth the populace has–it’s completely unacceptable to spend money with wild abandon just because they can; just because the bill goes to the taxpayers. These cars will be nothing more than toys, they will have no benefit to the taxpaying public.

    These cars were bought for a collective purpose: we couldn’t afford to buy them on our own, so we’ll just buy (and joyride) them on the taxpayer’s dime. Mark my words.

  • avatar
    WhiskeyRiver

    I offer you THIS critique of Dan Rattiner, publisher of Dan’s Papers:

    http://hoaxes.org/archive/permalink/dan_rattiner_the_hoaxer_of_the_hamptons

    • 0 avatar
      28-Cars-Later

      “In 1999 he reported that a 30-foot, man-killing Ecuadoran eel had been spotted in Peconic Bay. The article included an 800 number for “The Eel Hotline.” Unfortunately, unbeknownst to Rattiner, the number was actually that of a VW dealer in Riverhead, who was subsequently flooded with reports of eel sightings. By way of apology, Rattiner offered the dealer a free half-page ad”

      This is probably the most phone traffic the VW dealer had seen in decades.

    • 0 avatar
      WhiskeyRiver

      “Regular readers knew not to take his stories seriously, but frequently the mainstream media would get taken in by his tales and would circulate them as fact.”

  • avatar
    don1967

    And so the feeding frenzy for cop-bashing stories reaches its logical conclusion… outright fiction.

    Journalism at its finest.

  • avatar
    hifi

    Dan’s papers has real news, but has fake news to tease the tourists, mostly the ones visiting from NYC. My mother was reading it last year and was like “Oh, the Kardashians were seen taking the subway from Bridgehampton to Montauk!”

    There is no subway in the Hamptons. Obviously.

  • avatar
    DansEditor

    CA-Sorry if you were embarrassed. That, of course, wasn’t the point of the story. We just like to poke fun at people’s view of the Hamptons. We absolutely LOVE that you wrote Daria fan fiction, by the way. That is so great. And what a fun result!

    • 0 avatar

      Apology accepted. I suppose if the Hamptons were an oil state, the story would have been business as usual.

      Perhaps I could write for your publication in the near future? I may not be able to win the lottery like I did with Alexandria’s Genesis, but it would be fun to mess with tourists!

  • avatar
    GranMarkeez

    Getting snagged on a Dan’s Pages satirical article was a mistake. And I’m sorry for that.

    In my eyes however you lost credibility as a reporter. And made TTAC look bad.

    I wish you well in your future endeavors. But I’ll get my auto news from somewhere else from this point forward.

    Thanks for the ride, TTAC. It was fun while it lasted.

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