While You Were Sleeping: July 1, 2014

Another great day in the auto business, and more proof that deconstruction has not been completely der(r)ided in popular culture.

Let’s Get Its Clothes Back On Before The Children See: A new Chinese MG sedan was caught in the buff during testing. “[C]heck that part of the ass above the crazy rear light” is the advice from Carnewschina’s Joey Wang, who failed to follow up the advice with the legally required “, Bro.”

Plus There Was The Literal Mountain Of Cash They Gave Me In The IPO: Former Hyundai CEO and beloved darling of the Jalopnik/Hooniverse crowd John Krafcik talked to Aaron Foley about how happy he was to move on at just the right time. Krafcik stated that “But I also love tech, and this is one of those rare companies that operates at the intersection of auto, retail and technology.” Holy shit, he said “I also love technology”. When asked by Foley “Why are car buyers increasingly hesitant of going to the dealership to buy a car?” Krafcik pretended the question was in conventional English and answered accordingly.

As Opposed To Rapid Sucking Up Of All The Fuel In The Tank: “Rapid advances in engine technology led to the demise of the original 2.0-liter EcoBoost, Makow-ski said” to the always credulous Richard Truett. “Makow-ski” in this case is not an honorific for a Japanese shark but a bizarre rendering of Scott Makowski’s name. He’s the Ford guy in charge of the all-new two-liter Ecoboost. The old engine had a four-year production run, during which Saudi Arabia emptied most of its oil reserves and no fewer than 1.82 million street races were lost to V6 Camrys whose drivers were not aware of said street races. Any remaining units of the old Ecoboost will be dumped in the hole that Atari used to bury the “E.T.” cartridges.

And We Believe Him, Because FIAT Quality Has Traditionally Been Beyond Reproach: Jason Stoicevich, the head of United States operations for FIAT, told WardsAuto that the brand’s astoundingly poor showing on the J.D. Power IQS was an anomaly. “So when the study was done, 91% of the study relied on the 500L, which is a new car where there are always quirks to work through,” Stoicevich said. Luckily, J.D. Power’s implementation of the “crooked gap used in a bar chart to show that one particular bar is wayyyy bigger than the others”, which was absolutely necessary to include FIAT in the IQS bar charts without blowing out the scale so much that it became a Wikipedia VY Canis Majoris Star Chart situation, went off without any quirks to work through.

And that’s the news, folks!