AutoWeek Is About To Make Me Rich With This Lawsuit Settlement, And Rightly So

It was nestled in quite unassuming fashion between a Columbus Zoo flier and something from The Folio Society. I came this close to throwing it away… but as you will see, ladies and gentlemen, that would have been a grave mistake, because the information that little postcard brought me quite turned my day around.

It would appear that I have won my lawsuit against AutoWeek, and it didn’t even take an amazingly disappointing reunion of two-thirds of the Geto Boys’ adult-height members to obtain justice for my suffering. I now have the complete and unvarnished satisfaction that comes with mashing the heel of my Crockett & Jones Weymouth against the pasty, quadruple-chinned visage of AutoWeek‘s Inheritor-In-Chief, “I Was Too Fat As A Kid To Play Double” Dutch Mandel. The only question left: what to do with all this cheddar I’m about to clock.

It should be noted, however, briefly, that I had not taken the time to keep up with the legal proceedings on my behalf, partially because of my busy schedule and partially because I was not aware that said proceedings were taking place. Nevertheless, it’s right here, in black and white, on the postcard:

Records show that you paid for an individual subscription to Autoweek as of January 12, 2009.

Okay, if they say I did.

There is a class action lawsuit against (Crain) concerning the redesign of Autoweek that took place… on January 12, 2009

Now we’re getting somewhere. That “redesign” sucked and blew with the force of a Dyson Animal. If I recall correctly, that was the one where they just put “AW” on the cover instead of “Autoweek”. Like. “AWwwww, you’re about to read another story by Dutch about how he took a free trip to Italy.” I swear, if they didn’t publish Denise McCluggage I wouldn’t even rip one page out before using the rest to wipe up spilled oil in the garage.

The lawsuit claims… the reduction in publication frequency

Yeah, thank G-d for that, it was like having a sex offender visit your house every other week instead of each Friday on the dot.

…breached obligations

WAIT, WUT? No, that wasn’t the problem at all! The problem is that the magazine SUCKS! You’ve got it BACKWARDS! No matter. The postcard is discussing compensation. Hold on, it looks like we are getting to the part where I receive a 458 Italia and a dream date with Sasha Grey.

Crain has agreed to provide… six free issues

OH, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL.

or a one-year subscription renewal for $22.95

Perilously, I tell you, perilously close to a dollar per issue. That’s like me paying MacNeil Automotive Products a quarter per ad! To read it! This is a magazine you can get for free!

If you do not want to be legally bound by the Settlement

Not if it means I have to receive six free issues, I don’t.

you must exclude yourself from the class by May 12, 2012

Let me get right on that exclusion from the class. Well, this is just too lame for words. First they get my hopes up that everyone at AutoWeek, with the exception of Davey Johnson, will be fed into a woodchipper, said woodchipper making a satisfying “squoosh” noise when it reaches Dutch. Well, maybe they didn’t exactly promise that, but I was promised revenge. Revenge, for reading their articles. Revenge, for having to see hundreds of not-funny “But wait, there’s more” captions. Revenge, for publishing some advertisements for a Lotus Seven clone car that I bought and from the ownership experience of which I subsequently suffered the tortures of the Inferno.

Instead, I get six free issues.

Now I know how Fred Goldman feels.