What Type of 'Keeper' Are You?

Bertel Schmitt recently spread the news about America’s new-found frugality when it comes to cars. The average registered car in the United States is now 10.8 years old. Almost enough to forget about the presidency of George W Bush. But not quite enough time to eliminate the memory of other failures such as the Daewoo Lanos, the Saab 9-7, and almost anything with the name ‘Mitsubishi’ on it.

Since so many of us have now become keepers when it comes to our rides, the MSM will likely find new and exciting ways to stereotype our behavior. Why? I don’t know. They always do. So my question to the B&B is simply this.

Why bother waiting for them to stereotype us? When we can so easily do it ourselves?

The Bundy: “No brakes! No brakes! Squueaalll!!!

“Pheeewww!!! That was close! Don’t even ask me about buying a new car. The shoe store I worked at got bankrupted by Walmart, and now I have to give thousands of complete strangers a shiny happy ‘welcome!’ for $8.50 an hour. I can’t maintain the damn thing at all. But hey! At least I got my health thanks to Medicaid. Food thanks to the local food bank. And shoes, thanks to my old boss who works at aisle number eight.”

The Loyalist: “Toyota makes the best cars in the world. Why? Well, because I never drive anything else. All my life it’s been Camry, Camry, Camry and let me tell you. The Toyota Camry is the best value in the entire planet. I once purchased a domestic 25 years ago and let me tell you, it was crap!”

The ‘Custom’ er: “What type of car is it? Who knows at this point. It has a Volvo 240 body. A 302 V8. Seats from a Jaguar. Fartcan muffler from Ebay. 20’s on the front. 22’s on the rear. Spinners. Power antenna. Plus it’s got awesome bass thanks to a steal of a deal at the local pawn shop. What do I call it?…. Santorum!!! and sometimes Hillary Clinton…”

The ‘Cuss’ tomer: “This Canyonero is the biggest piece of junk I have ever owned! I’ve replaced everything in it. Brakes, Engine, Transmission, Mass Air Flow Sensor, Catalytic Converter, Tensioner Pulley, Rickets, and something my repair guy calls ‘The Johnson Valve’. I hate it. But I can’t sell it. I’ve got too much money in it.”

The ‘Blue Car’ Owner: “What type of car do I drive? Beats me. It’s got wheels, red stripes, tint in the windows, and it looks like a big Tylenol. I change the oil every 3,000 miles. Have all my maintenance done at the dealership… and it still just keeps on going. A new car for me? Hmmm… do you think I could get this same car in a different color?”

The Time Warp: Cell phones? Ha! Only for the work slaves! I don’t tweet. I don’t ‘friend’. I don’t even have a computer in my home. Why should I? Waste of time if you ask me!

As for my car, it’s a square deal. A Dodge Dynasty made by the last great American. As for your so-called new cars… why bother? They’re all overpriced and unreliable nightmares. If I can’t check the transmission fluid, I ain’t buyin’ it.

The Grad: “I don’t get it. Grandpa has all the money. I’m $23,000 in debt. My parents have no savings, and they want me to buy a new car? What the hell? I just want to find a job that doesn’t involve making coffee for someone, and yet I can’t even blink without seeing a new car ad. Wait.. what’s this? BMW says that I’m an “adventurer and explorer?” Alrighty then!”

The Accountant: “25 roundtrip miles in my 50 mpg Toyota Prius 5 days a week. Carry the one. Add in the lower maintenance costs and temporary loss of automotive soul. Take the 60 cent per mile tax deduction and multiply by the 15,000 miles I drive. Hey! I make money with this car! I’m keepin’ it! Cha-ching!”

The Lord of The Realm: “You name it. I fix it. Appliances. TV’s. Furnaces. Elections (My day job is in Chicago), and of course my car. I have done all the maintenance since day one. Oil changes, belts, fluids, hoses, battery. I use top quality components and never scrimp on anything. I may not be funny. But hey. I’ve got my finances together and my worries behind me. What? You want a joke? OK then… I voted for Jon Huntsman. Are you happy now?”

The Environmentalist: “A new car? Hell no! New cars destroy the environment and contribute to greenhouse gases. I’m sticking with my mid-90’s Volvo 850 wagon, non-turbo, that can easily get high 20’s combined. It should last another five years or so with enough trips to the nearby auto recycling center. Besides I work with Bundy and we carpool these days. ”