New or Used: Kill the Yuppies Edition?

Sajeev Mehta and Steve Lang
by Sajeev Mehta and Steve Lang

Anonymous writes:

Dear Sajeev and Steve,

I have the misfortune of working with a bunch of aspiring Yuppies. You know the types. The ones who believe that all American car companies make crap and the only true luxury cars come from Germany and Japan. Never mind the $1300 maintenance charge on their Audi or the fact that the Lexus ES is about as exciting as wilted corn flakes.Long story short, I am sick and tired of hearing their crap. I want to buy the type of American car that will take these pompous, sniveling wussy boys and blow their stuck-upityness right out of their ass.My choices are the following…1) Corvette – preferably one with a muffler package that sounds like a roving gang of Hell’s Angels ready to roll.2) Silverado – One with all the options. Throw in some Bigfoot tires so that I can roll over those little prissy scootmobiles.3) Hummer H2 – Instead of a horn I would get four bullhorns and have them blare out lines from Ah-nold’s movies and Jesse Ventura’s speeches with every beep. Maybe a few fart noises too.4) Chevette – I’m thinking if I go in dressed like this guy one day, and buy a few accessories along the way, I should be all set.5) Adams Probe 16 – One of only three made. But built for a good purpose.OK, I’m exaggerating with all this. But really. I want to get a luxury car that is All-American and the absolute best in it’s class. Price limit $40k. New, used, doesn’t matter. What do you recommend?Steve Answers: Custom. Get a ride that is a true representation of all you enjoy.As for yours truly… I would start with a 1992 Buick Roadmaster Limited. Nothing quite says ‘Imports suck!’ quite like Grandpa’s car did back in the day. Besides I happen to have one at the moment. You want it?Modify the 350 engine to your hearts content and then throw in a nice high end Magnaflow. Spend a couple grand on upgrading the sound system and suspension. A little subtle tint in the windows. Wheels that come from a vintage Buick as well as a serious tire upgrade. Maybe also throw in some vintage aftermarket effects to accentuate your love of all things American.My vote would be for an airbrush of a scantily clad Marilyn Monroe blowing a kiss on one side. A few images of our troops through the ages on the other side… and a collage of famous Americans (real and fictional) on the hood and rear. Oh, don’t forget a Class 3 hitch, a multi-sound horn, and a loudspeaker that will allow you to share your tunes with all of your anti-Detroit friends. Country, Western (they are two different types you know), Elvis, TV tunes… anything that is truly American through and through.Total cost? Maybe about 10 grand and a few long-term friendships.With the money you save, let your office mates know of all the wonderful places you plan on going for the next few years while they’re ‘paying off the note’. Think Fiji… or Belize… or maybe Greece when the next round of austerity measures are introduced.Good luck!Sajeev Answers: Oh yes! I am sick and tired of hearing their crap too! Nothing says “I hate you and everything you stand for” like a Hummer, especially one in Alpha trimmings. Screw them! Who the hell do they think they are anyway?Here’s my short list:Mustang GT 5.0: because of that evil live axle that the fanbois love to hate on!Pontiac G8 GXP: cuz those jerks probably hate Outback Steakhouses too!Corvette Z06 (C6): kicking everyone’s ass while saying “LS7-FTW!” to piss off those haters!Last-Gen Cadillac CTS-V: see above, change to “LS6-FTW” instead.Dodge Ram SRT-10: don’t you wish your girlfriend could oversteer like me?But honestly your best bet is a decommissioned Panther from the Bob Bondurant School, back when they ran with Ford: Cobra powertrain, big brakes, console, racing seats, roll cage and a subtle (almost-Euro like) body kit just to really burn their croissants. You’ll scare the living shit out of them on the freeway with that Police-a-like style and really burn them because they will never catch up to you after the realize they’ve been had by an imposter!Need help with a car buying conundrum? Email your particulars to sajeev@thetruthaboutcars.com , and let TTAC’s collective wisdom make the decision easier… or possibly much, much harder.
Sajeev Mehta and Steve Lang
Sajeev Mehta and Steve Lang

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  • Rrhyne56 Rrhyne56 on Oct 14, 2011

    Sajeev, I have a fond memory of tooling down the GBT in Carrollton, minding my own business over in the right hand lane, little D21 motorboating along. Suddenly, Whoosh, a Marauder flies by, almost too fast to recognize. "Damn!" sez I, "nice ride" Then came the train of Bayerischen Geld Verschwender vainly attempting to keep up :)

  • Gmrn Gmrn on Oct 14, 2011

    I vote for a low mileage Magnum SRT8. I bought mine in April '09 with just under 13,000 miles for $24K. Of the SRT8-family it sadly seems to hold it's value the least. However, this makes for a very entertaining ride for little dough. Every person should experience that exhaust shriek at least for a bit in their life. Truly, the epitome of a bad ass American wagon (with a smattering of German bits).

  • RobbyG $100k+...for a Jeep. Are they selling these in fantasy land?Twin turbo V-6 paired to an 8-speed transmission. Yet still only gets 14mpg.Whatever money you think you would save over a V-8 will be spent 2-3x amount fixing these things when they blow up.
  • Alan Well the manufacturers are catching up with stocks. This means shortages of parts is reducing. Stocks are building around the world even Australia and last year had the most vehicles ever sold here.
  • Larry You neglected to mention that the 2024 Atlas has a US Government 5-Star Safety Rating.
  • Alan Why is it that Toyota and Nissan beat their large SUVs (Patrol/300 Series) with an ugly stick and say they are upmarket? Whilst they are beating the vehicles with an ugly stick they reduce the off road ability rather than improve it.As I've stated in previous comments you are far better off waiting for the Patrol to arrive than buy an overpriced vehicle.
  • Alan How many people do you see with a 4x4 running mud tyres? How many people do you see with a 4x4 running massive rims and low profile tyres? How many people have oversize mirrors for towing once in a blue moon? How many 4x4s do you see lifted? How many people care what tyres they run to save fuel? The most comfortable tyres are more or less the most economical.
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