Hammer Time: Of Man And Minivan
Want a cheap car? Buy a minivan. Even in today’s tough market, a minivan is a tough sell. A dealer friend of mine now has over 50 minivans spread out at four different locations. Not a single one sold so far this month. Only three sold the month before. In our business we don’t call that slow. We call that, “Yikes!”
It’s as if minivans are the automotive version of leprosy. Or perhaps the 2000’s version of a station wagon. Nobody wants em’. Nobody buys em’.
But should they?
If you took a unibody pickup… enclosed it… raised the seats a few inches… gave it front wheel drive… a ton of options… upgraded the suspension for comfort… and made it look like a beached whale… you would get a minivan.
You can seat seven (or eight). Tow 3,000+ pounds (in most cases). Enclose anything you want of real value in a safe manner. Heck, you can even stow 18 open cans of soda while letting your passengers enjoy an endless array of DVD’s and headphone fed tunes. Time flies in the cocoon that is a minivan.
For moms and dads, minivans have always been the road trip version of nirvana… and for good reason.
Except no one goes on road trips anymore. At least most families have low-tailed it since gas has remained at $3.00 and change. It costs an awful lot to keep a minivan running these days. Even the good ones.
A lot of other things have changed since minivans hit their peak sales of 1.37 million buyers in 2000. Americans are older. Poorer. Millions of jobs have been lost and nearly everything seems to increase in price in ways that the government can’t seem to track. While all this has gone on, hundreds of thousands have perished in the modern version of ‘oil wars’.
For the wars? Against the wars? Doesn’t matter. Only the most politically correct of big vehicles are selling these days. Even if those vehicles are far more wasteful and poorly designed. Automakers don’t push minivans anymore. They want crossovers, CUV’s, overweight metrosexual vehicles.
Let’s face it. You can’t even call a minivan, a minivan anymore. It’s a ‘lifestyle’ vehicle. A ‘family’ vehicle. A vehicle that is so icky in it’s pop culture connotations that you can’t even speak it’s name.
The deception of what is cool when it comes to a daily driver is just a small symptom of a much bigger problem. Americans are just slowly crawling back from a morass of media fed lies, poisons, and frauds. Deficits don’t matter. Wall Street is virtuous in its greed. Politicians can solve our problems. What does all this have to with minivans? I’ll give it to you in one word, representation.
The face of America is changing… and what we buy reflects it. While many of the usual purveyors of financial whoredom are still pretending that bad things are good, (high fructose corn syrup is merely ‘corn sugar’) many more of us simply know that all this shit just sucks.
Minivans aren’t representative of a bygone era of innocence. They reflect excess, bloat, and the one thing most businesses making record profits can’t seem to offer these days… commitment. Minivans reached their peak when the pursuit of family values and upward mobility seemed to be our country’s Manifest Destiny.
Not any more… families are now embracing a leaner lifestyle not because of want, but of need.
So who ‘needs’ a minivan?
More by Steven Lang
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- Lorenzo If Stellantis had any cojones, they'd have re-named it "Adolfo" after the Italian Business Minister. Let him argue that's an Italian name.
- FreedMike Very nice.
- Lorenzo Ford finally beats out Tesla at something: fixing production flaws. When the flaws are obvious, you get to fix them earlier.
- Kwik_Shift_Pro4X Its a wagon I'd like to have, but it's a VW that can be a decent hit or a terrible miss. I would not want auto nor with a sunroof. That's a tough find.
- Lorenzo If only it had an automatic, it could have been sold at any senior center in America.
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Lots of minivan love here, but not in the automotive marketplace. The preferences of internet car forum guys obviously do not match up to what new car buyers actually purchase. Vehicles represent the image that the purchaser wants to convey, and minivans do not present an image most buyers want to project...and I would argue, especially with women. Women (thankfully) usually want to project an image of youth, beauty, and sexuality. I just read a quote that today "teenagers want to dress like whores, and women want to dress like teenagers." Minivans do not project an image of youth, beauty, or sexuality; to most people they represent middle age, mid-life responsibilities, and being a matron of the home vs. belle of the ball. They are not sporty or sexy, and by association neither are their drivers (Julie Bowen of Modern Family being an exceptionally notable exception). Cars, like clothes, allow the purchaser to make a statement about how they want to be perceived. Minivans make a statement that may be more reflective of people that spend a lot of time on computers than the public at large.
If you have two kids a good car,or a wagon, would be the default choice. But three kids or more and you can't beat a minivan, but you could make a case for the Mazda 5, Kia 5 or the Orlando for most families. The biggest problem with today's minivans is they're not so mini anymore, not to mention they're ugly with the Nissan Quest being right on top of that list IMHO.