Hammer Time: Who Should Lease?

Who should lease? Some folks believe that short term non-ownership is the perfect fit for the über-rich and nouveau riche. The rich can afford to drive whatever strikes their fancy after all… and who wants to own a Taurus when you can lease a Bentley?

As for the new rich or the soon to be rich; they also need a taste of their success. So why not a lease? Well, because I have gone nearly blue in my face over the years telling aspiring lessees that the math doesn’t work. Convenience… perhaps… worry-free ownership… maybe. But moneywise? Nein. Nyet. No.

Reason can only go so far in life. Even enthusiasts have a thing for the automotive fling. So here are seven types of lease happy shoppers I’ve met in my travels. In their own words of course.

The Speculator:

What’s the best way to make a fortune? I know! Invest in something I know absolutely nothing about!

Let’s see now . It’s 2011 and I will definitely be buying at the bottom of the market according to CNBC and Jim Rogers. Let’s see what’s out there. Silver. Gold. Frozen Orange Juice. AAA rated CMO’s. Municipal Bonds from the great state of New Jersey. Pork bellies. The Los Angeles Dodgers.

Okay, I’ll lease a Yuppie-mobile and throw the rest in whatever Jim Cramer recommends. I’m sure that things will turn out just peachy.

The Ditz:

Like OMG! Have you seen the new Lexus FT250hqr-v.111ZZZ?

It’s like so sporty and sexual. Like… I can’t believe that anyone here would buy anything other a Lexus? Everything else is so… like 2010…

For only $449 a month I have…like… a real luxury sports car! What’s that? The engine size? Didn’t I already tell you? It’s… like… a Lexus engine! Aren’t all their engines the same?

SUV Sam:

I don’t care what it is! SUV, Pickup. Front Loader. Garbage Truck, Canyonero.

Just make sure it’s got 200 pounds of leather, gets me that nice tax deduction from Uncle Sam (that greedy bastard), and gets clear reception to all things Rush.

I want something safe for my family. Something that has thick windows so I won’t have to worry about hearing the wails of a few liberals if I accidentally run over them on the way to work.

The Dying:

My last ride?

Do I really want a Buick?

If I can’t take it with me I may as well have fun with it. Hmm… how about a BMW-MB 760il AMG-L with the ‘Jetson robot’ option that makes Brazilian Espressos and day trading recommendations? Lease is only $1200 a month. Not bad since I won’t miss it. I’ll just keep driving it until (thud!)

The Wanna-Be:

I just graduated from law school with $100,000 of student loan debt. I need a car that will show my new employer that I’ve arrived.

My commute is only about eight miles. But I want something that has presence in the parking lot. It should be a BMW, a BMW, or an Audi.

A lease works perfectly for me since I’ll be working intravenously for the next several years.

The Pseudo Tightwad:

Yeah, I’m gonna get me one of those hybrids so that I can figure out my exact expenditures for the next 39 months.

I hear the Toyonda Monkey Fart is pretty cheap at $179 / month. That’s only $6441, plus tax, title, tag, new car insurance, registration, ad valorem, and floormats. A friend of mine works at a Toyota dealership. I’ll hit him up for some barely used floormats that they keep in a pile and two bottled waters.

Of course the suspension on this thing bottoms out whenever it hits any road gristle but I really don’t mind. I’ll just use my old retainer from junior high whenever I get on the road.

The Revolver:

I get bored easily. I mean REAL easily.

Cars, food, travel, the opposite sex… would any of these things truly be worth it if you just kept on ‘doing’ the same thing? Not for me.

Look, if I buy ‘new’ then I’m stuck with the same $50,000 vehicle for the next 12 years. I can’t stomach that thought.

Most cars, like most relationships, break down at some point. I want something that is good looking and reliable right before I dump it. That’s why I always lease!