By on August 23, 2011

My former wife was an artist. One of her shows was for the benefit of Washington DC’s National Zoo. At the opening, a society dame walked up to her.

“Love your boobies.”

“I beg your pardon?”

The lady referred to the depiction of a school of the sula nebouxii, a.k.a. the Blue Footed Booby, a water bird. Boobies can cause all kinds of misunderstandings. That thought crossed my mind as I watched the picture above.

I found it at Chinacartimes. Apparently, the picture is spreading like wildfire through the Chinese interwebs. Says CCT:

“The driver in question was piloting his Nissan X-Trail down a Sichuan highway earlier this week and was caught on camera having a quick feel of his passengers fun bags, of course the reason he was caught on camera in the first place was due to him being caught speeding at 92kmh in an 80kmh zone with his hands in the warm place. The picture was somehow leaked to the internet and rapidly spread online with many leaving scathing comments on the leak of the picture, the Minyang Police have already become involved in investigating how the picture was leaked to start with.”

The original picture had the full license plate. Armchair researchers quickly traced the car to a man surnamed Deng. Deng’s full name, home address, place of work and other personal data were published. Reporters asked Deng why his hands had wandered to the lady’s chest, and he came up with the meek excuse that he was giving her a chest massage to lower her blood pressure.

Come on. The standard answer is:

“Look, as you see, neither of us wore belts. Observing the posted speed limit, I was braking hard and protected her from slamming into the windshield.”

Standard reply:

“NEVER do that. Keep your hands on the wheel.”

I mean, why else would you touch a woman’s chest in China? There isn’t much to find.  NEVER take your hands off the wheel when speeding. As described in Jack Baruth’s seminal (and flame-provoking) series “Maximum Street Speed Explained,” the only time you loosen your grip is when you go airborne: “Relax your hands and make sure your thumbs are clear of the steering, and keep the throttle at the same place you had when you left the ground.” Listen to Jack. He’s a boob-man.

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