Good news! Warner Bros. Jazz, still smarting from their loss of Pat Metheny to Nonesuch Records, has written me an enormous advance check for the rights to my newly-completed album. It’s titled The Most Beautiful Feeling: A Bossa Nova Tribute To Philip Michael Thomas, the buzz I’m hearing around the industry means I’m gonna have f*&%-you money before you know it.
I’ve decided to do something for you, my favorite TTAC reader. I’m willing to buy you any manufactured object which can be found on the market. Car, watch, musical instrument, plane, train, you name it. You want a Bugatti Sang Whatever? It’s yours. Got a hankering for a G6? I’ll meet you at the Gulfstream dealer or used Pontiac lot, cash in hand.
But there’s just one little catch…
I’m not good at maintaining relationships. So anything I buy you has to be within your capacity to run. Fuel, service, repair. It’s all your problem. Nor am I gonna let you just turn around and sell it. It’s yours to keep. So if I buy you the 928 GTS pictured above, you’d better understand what it takes to do the sparkplugs or you’re going to have a German lawn gnome before you know it.
Choose carefully. The cost of purchase is not the cost of ownership. As for me, I’m taking the money I don’t spend on you and taking a trip to my local aircraft salvage yard. Each fillup of Jet-A will cost me about seven grand, plus a little peroxide for the rockets. I can take two flights a year to the troposphere for same price as a season of club racing. I’m inclined to make the trade, so without further ado, the Lockheed NF-104a:
CTS-V wagon (6MT) please. Nothing more needed from this relationship.
The same for me, thank you very much. As they move in such small quantities to be effectively bespoke, may I have mine in a dark metallic gunmetal pink, please? Nothing better than to really piss off the proles with a fantasy car painted a shade that’s not resale safe.
You may not. My explicit request to purchase a CTS-V coupe, sedan, or wagon in Synergy Green, with a pre-delivery deposit to be determined by GM, was met with a chuckle by the GM flacks.
I’d kind of hoped that Cadillac, in their zeal to chase Audi and BMW, might be prepared to offer a similar custom service… but the time it took for me to get over my annoyance and consider buying one in a standard color made me realize I simply didn’t need, or really want, one. So that saved me $1200 a month.
That is sad news indeed. Time to direct a Pythonesque “you’re no fun anymore” at Cadillac’s color selectors. Luxury goes beyond cockpit pampering and the knowledge you have more power in 2 cylinders than the guy next to you has in his entire engine. Something as simple as color selection should be a given and not a repeat of that iconic scene from Oliver.
In the late 60s, early 70s stockholders, and employes (sic) got a new model book each year. I am 90% sure one of the options offered was to paint your Cadillac any color you chose.
I’ll take a Daewoo please.
One gold mine, please. If that’s cheating, then one apartment complex.
If both of those are cheating, then maybe a pair of mbl 101s.
1996 Corvette 6-speed manual. Mechanical parts are not hard to find I can have an LT4 and OBDII to read codes off of. It’s the last model before they got more complicated with rear mounted transmission and I’d love to learn a few wrenching jobs on a beauty like that. Plus I graduated high school in 1995 and the C4 has been one of my dream cars for as long as I can remember. I believe Bud’s Chevrolet in St. Mary’s Ohio should be able to help you find one Jack. I’ll even let you drive out to me to deliver it. (Though I’m picturing a Blues Brothers style chase approaching my house as Jack tries to deliver.)
EdotDan – An excellent choice – I have a line on one collecting dust – belonged to my neighbor who sold it to my best friend who then bought a C5 convertible and garaged it. The “black car” as we call it – is obviously not a Grand Sport – black with gray – coupe. 4.11s, “tastefully modded” dyno’d at 378hp at the wheels and sounds like a very angry machine – As you may have guessed – needs tires. I’ve babysat (babysitted?) the car for him on occasion and the thing is like mechanical giggle gas. I’ve literally turned around and gone home because I was having so much irresponsible fun I feared I was about to kill someone (myself included). My personal third-highest illegal speed (138 mph) was achieved in that car. Then I went straight home.
I vote for LS-Whatever swap.
Mid-sixties 4WD Chevy or GMC pickup with the rare 8′ flareside bed. With a 4-speed manual.
+1 on the F-104, but I think I’d take a Pitts S-2 or a Stearman biplane.
For insane recurring costs (non-vehicle category) it’s tough to beat a Dillon Aero M-134.
In the mid-1970’s, Emerson Electric marketed the electrical system and called it the “mini-tat”. I worked there.
I’ll take a Bryston amplifier. If it’s your dime, a pair of 7B SST2 monoblocks. Bryston settled on 20 years for their warranties because they felt that sounded like a good number. They don’t break.
I am a high end guy, but a $100.00 remote?
A Goldwood yellow 1964 Chevy Impala SS convertible. Black top, black interior, 283 2 bbl. powerglide, PS, PN, Am radio, padded dash, no A/C, pretty please! I’ll let you drive it any time you wish to go down I-71 100 miles to my neck of the woods! Free! I’ll even pay for gas! Did I say “Pretty Please”?
Stupid selective-working edit function!
“PN” should be “PB”.
Why do I want a car like I used to own? My wife and I both owned 1964 Chevy Impala YELLOW convertibles before we knew each other! Very special.
I shall start with the Hublot, Bunter SA Big Bang Chronograph for the wrist.
For the garage, a 1974 Porsche 911 Carerra RS 3.0.
For the music room, Hyperion Loudspeakers by Rockport Technologies, Ongaku amplifier, and Clearaudio Statement turntable.
Because I will want to shed my old Stanley Clarke and Jamaaladeen Tacuma albums, I will need an Alembic Stanley Clarke Deluxe in Cocobolo, please.
Too much?
Thanks for kickstarting my F-104 lust, Jack! Sadly, it would completely blow my maintenance budget.
This might boggle a few minds, but I’ll take a Tesla Roadster. High upfront cost, (hopefully) low maintenance and running costs.
Just don’t cut yourself on the leading edge of the wings!
I would be careful of F104s, back in the day, when it was a front line NATO aircraft and the Germans used them for ground attack and there was a joke that went …
Q: What do you call a Luftwaffe F104 pilot who gives up smoking for his health?
A: An optimist.
The Jeremy Clarkson quote about bears and TVRs is also relevant. But I would still want a TVR Cerbera Speed 8, imported in pieces and registered as a kit car so I can drive it everywhere.
Alfa 8C
I’ll sell my extensive antique shower curtain ring collection to pay for maintenance.
I’m a simple guy. May I please have a 1968 Volvo 122 station wagon?
A Lancia powered Yugo.
or
the Aztek from Hell (google it. you’ll see what it is)…
or
the A Klasse that AMG stuffed the V8 into…
or
HHR Panel Wagon mit Turbo. Seriously.
I’ll take a Hinckley SW51 with full rig, full electronics, and a few extra sets of Haarstick sails and see you again on the French Riveria in a few decades.
Ha, I’d take a Morris M29 and do twice the sailing with half the work. You can have the French Riviera.
On Lake Superior, I would take the M29 (or better yet, a Tartan 30). But for the transocean work I have in mind, the SW51 is THE boat!
TiAg E46 M3 with Cinnamon interior, HPF stage 3 set up, BBS RS-GTs in hyper black with a square set up, SMG II transmission, and a few other bolt ons of my choice. Nothing to fancy, I can fix it all up myself if I want to. Will run on 93 octane which I already put in the Z. Tires may be a cost issue, other wise nohing more expensive then owning a regular E46 M3.
Wouldn’t mind a Breitling to go along with it, as well as an H&K USP CT. And my dream garage set up. If it has to be a plane, then nothing fancy, just a Mooney Bravo. Emotional reasons and all.
You may want to get a few pointers from Mr. Yeager about the proper attitude of your aircraft on return from the troposphere. As I recall he had a bit of an issue not being able to windmill the engines to get them restarted as well as a little training in recovering from unusual attitudes that resulted in he and the aircraft landing separately.
Give me a professionally completed Lancair IVP with the V8 conversion and I would be happy. Or I would take an aircraft carrier and I could rent it out.
1965 GT350 in minty fresh condition, please. I’ll just wrench on it myself.
Mercedes Benz E63 AMG
Philippe Dufour Simplicity
Wilson MAXX 3 Speakers
Krell electronics
Netjets membership
PS: My Porsche 928S4 was not that bad to maintain.
Nice red SAAB 9000 Aero from the SAAB museum in Trollhatten. By the look of things they will be selling out rather soon.
I do not mind paying the freight to Canada too.
Nice call. I’ll take one too, in red.
how odd. That’s what I want too. But black. As long as it’s post-TCS.
Another vote for 9000 Aero. I had no idea there were so many 9000 fans on TTAC…
A lot of us keep our heads down. It seems every time we pop up someone wants to play Whack-A-Saab. We soldier on, nonetheless.
Do prototypes and concept cars count? I’ll take that Mazda MX-5 Superlight Speedster concept from a few years ago.
If not, I’ll take a late-’80s 323 GTX. You’ll have to find me a low-mileage unmodified one in perfect condition. Yeah, THAT’s the expensive part — if one such example even exists.
Cheap to maintain? You bet your tuchus they are.
Hey I know, lets take the body of a Miata and dip it in acid like Dan Gurney did with his Camaro. That will be superlight.
I was lucky enough to have a friend with one of the “one of everything” Mazdas, as part of a group of island drivers who ended up focusing on each of the hot hatchbacks of that era. Weekend cruises were great fun and a rolling advert for Mazda-Toyota-Volkswagen-Dodge-Honda wherever we parked.
Great minds think alike…
https://www.thetruthaboutcars.com/2011/01/hammer-time-choose-your-20-year-sentence/
Make mine a Lexus LFA. I am always willing to tackle a new adventure for the good of all (well, mostly me.)
I’ll take a flat in Mayfair, and an unlimited Oyster Card.
1994 Saab 9000 CSE Aero, 5 speed, in dark blue please. If you’re providing, can you make sure it’s got a freshly rebuilt engine and transmission, the A/C and Cruise work, and the seat heaters are functioning? Thanks JB!
…and the washer fluid tank isn’t leaking, and the heater core has been replaced, and the gauge cluster bulbs have been replaced, and…
Ask me how I know. I scold because I love.
Old bore’s note: 94 was not the best year due to SAAB’s first experiments with water-based paint – can start flaking. I’d bet either on pre-B234 2.0L, or a M95+ non-TCS unit.
Also, first 2.3T TCS version (91-22) went like stink, much more flexible and faster than a later Aero, but the whole throttle assembly was way too temperamental. I had one.
Practicality above all else, I say.
Audi RS6…. wagon.
http://www.insideline.com/audi/rs-6/2008/first-drive-2008-audi-rs6-avant.html
I’m with you. That IMHO is the coolest car on the planet. That or the 1994 6.0L Jag XJS.
1975 3.0csi. thank you.
Go for the 3.0csl if Jacks buying
Komet Concorde amplifier with 2×12 Komet cabinet. Please.
Jack should like this one:
Seven Axiom SLX
http://www.sevencycles.com/road/axiom-slx.php
Good choice Ronnie! Sevens and their crosstown rivals Parlee are manufactured near where I live in Massachusetts. We have a fair number of them near where I live and they’re great bikes.
In the spirit of the article, there is one caveat. I have DuraAce 7800 components and maintenance can be pretty steep on a per mile basis. The killer is the titanium cogs and the cassette that are expensive and last maybe 1200 miles with obsessive maintenance. The price for the current 7900 cassette is $300.00 although sometimes you can get a better deal. Add the chain and it’s $370 per 1200 miles or about 30 cents per mile. I ended up ditching the Dura-Ace cassette for a steel SRAM cassette and saved some money.
really
Why thank you! I’ll have a mint Austin-Healey 3000 Mk III, please, BRG with a saddle interior and wire wheels. Oh, and a late-model NSX on the side, too, if that’s OK.
current m3 gts. orange. if it has to be something i can get here, current m3.
My first reaction would be to indulge my aviation lust and choose an F6F Hellcat fighter (more forgiving to a novice pilot than an F4U Corsair or P-51 Mustang). But, of course, I couldn’t afford the maintenance, so it wouldn’t fit within the rules.
My final choice would be a mint condition Yamaha GX-1 synthesizer (big brother to the CS-80).
I would consider Vodka McBigbra’s sister were it not for the upkeep caveat.
Vodka McBigbra’s sister is a Mormon housewife in Utah with four children. They were both adopted by their parents as infants, however. Makes a strong argument for nature vs. nurture, as they were brought up identically. The sister probably thinks a Spearmint Rhino is an energy drink.
I must be a crypto-Mormon myself because I had to Google Spearmint Rhino to understand your response. Images definitely NSFW. And that’s my point; not all upkeep is monetary.
Now I understand why Elvis Costello sang: “Alison, my aim is true.”
But now you have me wondering why Jan didn’t come back from Deadman’s Curve.
Even though my 2005 Impala LS isn’t the fanciest, it still runs and I can afford to keep it running. What I really want is a 1928 Mason & Hamlin fully restored grand piano.
And if you’re gonna give me a car, how about a brand new white Ford Flex Limited Ecoboost?
Didn’t expect to see 80-year-old Mason & Hamlins mentioned here! I have an unrestored 1929 Model AA (6’1″), bought via Craigslist about 5 years ago; everything works and the pin block is original and good, but at some point the entire action will have to be replaced, which will be complicated given that I’d like to retain the ivory key covers.
[For the uninitiated: The Mason & Hamlin grand piano, the most desirable of which were made in the 1920s, not only has a more massive case than competitors but uses a Tension Resonator patented in 1900 (and still installed today by today’s successor company of the same name) that consists of a hub-and-spoke arrangement of metal rods underneath the sounding board; google for more info.]
I’m going with my knee jerk:
2011 BMW M3 Coupe: BMW Individual Dakar Yellow, Carbon roof, Dual clutch, Comp pack.
Maybe one of these days BMW will get some love around here. :o)
Ha! You have it easy. Try being a Saab enthusiast in this place, then you’ll know pain.
After owning a few older SAABs you really stop noticing the sneer… Because these ownership teaches you stoicism, patience, ability to focus only on things (and sounds) that really matter, and other worthy qualities and habits. Heck, you can even see a future a lil bit. (Who said “spare DI cassette in the trunk”?!)
But all BMWs are driven by douches (translation: people we are jealous of) so I wouldn’t expect it soon. It is nice to see some Dakar Yellow love, it was such a nice color, muh better than pheonix yellow.
Easy, Singer 911 for me please. Built to DasFast spec of course.
1st gen M5 fully sorted and ready for its next 100k. By the time something breaks I’ll have saved up the 5-10k to fix it.
Were you gonna top off both the internal as well as external tanks? with every region of the country averaging more than $5/gallon for jet, its gonna be a little more than your $7k budget.
Thanks for the offer, Jack. I will walk straight into the bear trap and ask for a Jaguar XJ6 Series II. Preferably a 77-78. The Series III has that unfortunate Italian roofline, along with it’s somewhat improved quality and I am a major glutton for punishment. I want the Jag that Jag fanatics are afraid of. I feel like my 69 Lincoln has prepared me for repairing the heavy stuff, and re-wiring and troubleshooting the fuel injection on my 80 Seville has given me the courage to take on the re-enactment of WWII that occurs under the hood, with the Prince of Darkness on the Allied side, always ready for an air raid with his ability to black out at will versus Bosch and his Jetronic flamethrower representing the Axis powers.
So make mine British Racing Green with a biscuit leather interior. I will be the only one to scrape his knuckles on it, I promise.
Heresy!!!!
The Series III roof by Pininfarina is arguably the best greenhouse ever for a sedan. Light and airy. It looks great. All XJs look good but the Series III is the best (the XJ40 is probably the worst mechancially, and a lot of XJ lovers don’t like the modern look, but I think it was a successful take on the XJ in a then current idiom.
I’m a fan of yours, Ronnie, but I am going to have to respectfully disagree. Pininfarina raised the roofline on the XJ too much on the rear, giving the trunk a droopy look and making the entire car look too narrow. They also added the Rambler-esque kink in the C-Pillar (the ’52 Rambler was also designed by Mr. Farina). I’ll take my XJ6 the way God and Sir William intended, thank you.
Maybe I’m the only one who doesn’t automatically approve of the work of Pininfarina, but somebody is going to spend some time in styling purgatory for the uglier-than-sin Allante. Yes, I said it, the Allante is an ugly block of beige that puts the Cadillac name to shame.
Surprised nobody has mentioned the NSX yet. Supercar performance, Honda reliability, and immunity to the rust monster? Sign me up.
My first thought!
I’ll take a used Gulfstream or Cessna Citation VII and leave it in the hands of a charter/management company. That should be good enough to offset the fixed costs and possibly even generate some revenue such that I can use it myself every now and then.
For cars I’d pick a Rossion Q1.
If you are ever in Tampa, call, and I will tell you a story involving a Lear 24B. Forget the revenue generation.
I’ll be boring and ask for a new Prius with all the bells and whistles (but no sun/moon roof). Since that’s what I’m leaning towards for the next car anyway, may as well get it free.
For fun, I’d take the difficult to find Legacy GT Wagon 5-speed, and if one’s not available a new Legacy GT will do me just fine.
Omega Speedmaster, caliber 321, pre-moon, with a leather strap.
and a 2008 TSX.
How about a nice Honda S2000? Alternately, a “new” Merc E55 has been a kind of a dream of mine.
A 1979 Honda CBX1000 for me, please — with a 1960 Les Paul strapped to the side.
I’m having a hard time deciding between a 1940 Crocker, a 1967 Egli-Vincent (later Godet Egli-Vincent acceptable), or a 1975 MV Agusta 750 America. I’ll let you pick. Labor will always be free. if something breaks that I can’t afford or find, I’ll turn it into a cocktail table until I can. Will fit in nicely with my decor.
I’ll make it easy – I’ll just take that Laguna Seca Mustang you test drove.
An intact spinal cord and a Ducati MH900E, please. And vintage Dainese gear. I would keep the watch simple, Omega Railmaster. I’ll get back to you once i decide on a turntable..
As someone who has slung a leg over an MH900E on more than one occasion, I can tell you that it loses its considerable curb appeal appeal very, very quickly in motion. Possibly the most useless Ducati ever, and that’s saying a lot. I think Hailwood would have been horrified.
It does afford a lovely view of your upper arms in the mirrors, though, so maybe you can adjust them to admire the Dainese logos on your leathers. Unless you’re going with my idea of turning the bike into an expensive but low-maintenance cocktail table, I think you’ll be much more satisfied with your watch.
Thanks, currently i would settle for the expensive but low-maintencance cocktail table idea as i could not ride it anyway, unless Jack also pays for an intact spinal cord… ;) Snapped it in half and crushed a few vertebrae ten years ago in an accident. If he fixes that then i would settle for pretty much anything on two wheels :)
Isn’t maintaining a vehicle part of the fun of owning it?
I’ll have one Spearmint Rhino franchise, please!
Oh yeah, that one guy who figures out how to MAKE MONEY with Jack’s gift. Yeesh! :P
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish (or give him a gentleman’s club franchise) and you feed him for a lifetime!!! ;-)
I would go with the following with this, because who wouldn’t doesn’t love boating? And you would never have to worry about pirates. Of course you could go with an old armored Jag, or a APC if you somehow end up in Detroit. Or if you smuggled it in (Not that anything else they sell on that site is legal here), a Land Rover that we Americans weren’t good enough to play with for very long.
I’m simple and poor. I’ll take a Leica M9 with a 35mm 1.4 and 50mm 1.4. Just something to play with during my downtime.
Omega Constellation 160 Years Steel-on-Steel
Canon EOS-1Ds MarkIII
Ducati 1198 SP
The watch and camera would like a service every now and then, but would work fine for years without attention. The bike will cost about as much to fuel and maintain as a Corolla but will outrun a Ferrari 458 Italia. Insurance may cost more than the Toyota :)
Thanks Jack.
Make mine a 1965-66 Chevy Belair wagon with a six, Powerglide and nothing else by way of options. Saw one of these at a car show recently and I think there is enough daylight around the engine that you could climb in there and STAND on the ground next to the engine and work on any part you need to, they’re all visible, no hidden bolts anywhere . . .
92 Volvo 740 wagon w/ the 5.0 V8 swap. Roger Penske edition. My current car payment of $350/month set aside should be more than enough to keep it running tip top with some left over for tinkering. Or rear tires.
I’ll take the new Golf R in that awesome blue color with 4 doors, 6-speed manual and APR’s Stage 3 tuning. Thanks.
I’ll be brave and ask for a 928 GTS in Continental Orange please.
Why would anyone want a SAAB Aero 9000 when they could have an Alfa 164?
’cause Mr. JB will not cover timing belt changes every 20K miles and all the tow truck expenses.
Besides we want a car to drive, not a pretty piece of garage furniture.
I’ll take a 1985 BMW R80 airhead, not a whole lot of power, but reliable as can be. Fun, too.
Well, since both a Gullwing and a 993 911 Turbo S are slightly beyond my maintenance budget, I’ll take a pristine, low-mileage 1994 Mercedes E500, thanks. As late in the production run as possible. One that’s been gone through by the MB Classic center to be brought back to showroom condition, and perhaps had some AMG attention and a LSD. Black paint, custom white leather/black-stained birdseye maple interior, on Evolution 2 rims.
There are lots of cars that I want, but there are very few cars that I’d only let go over my dead body. The 500E/E500 is very, very high on that list. They’re one of the last “engineering costs be damned” Mercedes, they’re effectively the world’s first 4 door Porsche, even by today’s standards they’re respectably quick and they’re basically bulletproof. Parts availability will be largely a non-issue for the foreseeable future, parts are pricey but not prohibitively so (especially given how infrequently these things break), if push comes to shove most of the non-cosmetic bits interchange with one MB model or another, and they’re not so complicated that you can’t work on them yourself if the need arises. They’re also stunningly good looking cars. There’s one around here in silver with anthracite painted AMG Monoblocks that I can’t help staring at. It appears to get driven every day (I see it a few times a week) and it’s clean enough to eat off of.
Barring that, I’d be equally happy complete, cost-no-object ground up restoration/restomod (AMG-massaged 6.0L M117 swap, anyone?) to my specs by the Classic Center on my 4spd 350SE. :D
For those who can’t make up their mind whether Jack should buy them a Breitling or a F-104…
Up to last year, it looked like this:
http://modelingmadness.com/research/pop/paboillatF-104Breitling.jpg
Now, it looks like this:
http://images3.jetphotos.net/img/1/3/6/8/37021_1299591863_tb.jpg
Similar options available here in town for those who can’t decide between a Supermarine Spitfire or a Sukhoi Su-26M and a Breitling.
Cirrus SR22.
I’ve often remarked that I think I could afford the operating costs if I got one for free, not 100% that’s the case, but I’m willing to give it a try.
Baruth is right about the difference between purchase price and cost of ownership. That’s why my retirement toy is an Infiniti G37 rather than something comparable from a German manufacturer. Since, I plan to keep it until all I can drive is a wheelchair, the cost of maintenance after the warranty expires was a major consideration.
If I had to wrench on it myself, I would want a mid 1960s MGB roadster. Granted that they are not very reliable. However, they are very simple to work on and parts are readily available.
Since you’re buying: A pristine Vans RV7 sport plane powered by a normally-aspirated Mazda 13B (pre-Renesis) rotary engine producing 180 to 200 hp, and driving an electric in-flight-adjustable 3-blade prop via an RWS planetary reduction drive. Dark metallic blue in color with silver “Starsky and Hutch”-style stripe, silver-grey leather upholstery, electric trim, full-IFR glass cockpit and a 20-mm cannon under each wing. No pressure…
One ‘batmobile’, please, with the same war paint and some driving lessons from Jack: http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR1eM78Fmm22f2bilLDynLlDGKpyE-TjNf8Pm8RRlv1-9Xw80ev