Piston Slap: Sensible Shoes, in Need of Blue Suede?

Rich writes:

Sajeev,

My New vs. Used dilemma was posted on 2/4/10. Based on your advice, TTAC member feedback and other research, I have made my decision. Last month I purchased a 2007 Ford Five Hundred SEL 2WD from the local Ford dealer. The car is just off lease with 28K miles, mechanically excellent, interior almost cherry and exterior very good. The dealer was asking for $14K, I offered $12.5K and we agreed to the Edmunds price of $12.7K. It drives pretty much as the critics say, great handling for a large car though a bit short on power. The power deficit is not terrible for everyday driving, I just need to rev it a bit. The motor isn’t tuned for low speed torque; something like GM’s or Ford’s 3.8 would be a better match for this car than the Duratec. The car returned 21 MPG in suburban driving on my first tankful.

I’m putting the car on Steve Lang’s maintenance schedule, which is reasonably close to my usual routine. I would like to know if there are any inexpensive and practical ways to squeeze out a bit more power, or at least make it available at lower revs, without reducing the fuel economy. I’ve installed a K&N filter, otherwise the car is bone stock. What are the options?

Also am considering a replacement for the stock Continental ContiTouring tires. They are acceptable, but my experience is that tire upgrades do more to improve a car than almost anything else. I live in upstate NY, so I need an all season tread. I would be interested to hear your recommendations.

Sajeev Answers:

Sounds like TTAC’s advice was the right move, we’re patting ourselves on the back. The Ford Five Hundred/Mercury Montego is a great family sedan value with that modicum of suspension precision and reasonably elegant interior fittings. It’s no Aston Martin, but have you drove one back-to-back with a Chrysler 300? All this baby needs is a little more punch in them affordable, sensible shoes. One for the money, two for the show…

And since “modding” oddball Ford products is right up my alley, do yourself a solid and listen to me again.

1. Tune up: and not the hokey Splitfire spark plug route, but with a computer re-flash. Faster transmission action, optimized air/fuel ratios and many other benefits are available at the push of a button. If you want to run premium fuel, ask for both a low and high octane tune on your computer programmer. If you get 93-octane in your part of the country, you can expect an honest 20+hp at the wheels with a “tune” on a late model Duratec. IIRC, this motor makes 240hp in the Ford Escape, maybe with slight exhaust and camshaft differences. Far and away the best source of Ford tuners comes from SCT, and you can email me for a recommendation on an SCT vendor. Just a recommendation, I receive no compensation.
2. Tires: go to Tirerack.com and pick “High” or “Ultra High” Performance All Season rubber that fits your price range, floats your boat. Sadly, I only see one choice, but maybe you can fudge the system by selecting a 10mm wider tire (no appreciable difference in speedometer functionality) and see what else is available. Have fun with this; you’ll have a good story to tell your non-car guy friends when it’s done.
3. Brakes: perhaps it is time to step up to a carbon metallic street brake pad, odds are the aftermarket (Performance Friction is one vendor) has better stuff than what’s normally used on Five Hundreds.
4. Suck Harder: Via Google Image hunting, the Five Hundred has a fairly unrestrictive intake duct, free of resonators or massive kinks/bends. Odds are the lower half of the air filter box is your problem: the snorkel below is too small. Get epoxy, the biggest diameter PVC tube you can cram around the sheetmetal, a Dremel-like cutting tool, and semi-flat black paint to finish it off. Yes, this will take a little testicular fortitude to cut up a perfectly good part, but I’ve done this so many times now that people expect me to hack up the lower airbox in every car that parks in my garage.

The benefit? A little more kick from a standstill thanks to perkier throttle response, more growl, and a lot of pride. Ricer math indeed, but hey, a Ford Five Hundred deserves an intake tonal quality improvement. It’s just dying to be a sleeper.

While other items may increase power (hotter cams, re-tune to go with) it won’t be enough to justify the cost. The SCT tune alone will amaze you, as Ford is terrible about leaving plenty more “on the table” for the Tuner-Bois to extract.

Bonus! A Piston Slap Nugget of Wisdom:

Five to ten years from now, this Five Hundred will be worth more to you than anyone in their right mind would pay for it. And you will have a Frankenstein moment, courtesy of me. Never forget that wrecked Impala SS’s exist for a reason, and LS4-FTW is more than a feeling. It can be a way of life.

Send your queries to mehta@ttac.com. Spare no details and ask for a speedy resolution if you’re in a hurry.