The Booth Babe Chronicles: Things We Won't Tell You

The job of most auto show booth babes is all about talking. We’re there to talk for hours to hundreds, sometimes thousands of people about the brand we rep. As much as we may talk, there are some things we won’t ever tell you. Here are just a few.

An official “yes” that a redesign will be released within the next year.

So, it turns out that dealer staff at the shows get kinda pissed when you mention a vehicle will be completely redesigned the following model year. Why? Because it costs them immediate business. Someone who is in the market for this new car may very well wait until the latest, greatest model comes out six months from now if they know it is coming. If they don’t know, they’ll walk into the dealer today. It’s like saying “This Viagra is OK, but next year’s Viagra actually will give you that four-hour erection.” Yes, you could investigate redesigns on the interwebs, but until it comes straight from the manufacturer it is pure speculation. Time is money, and to corporate the sooner you buy the better.

Plus, delivery dates on redesigns and new additions to a lineup can change frequently and by as much as a year or two. Even if we told you something would be out in six months, it could easily get pushed back. Then you’ll complain to your internet forum buddies that the girl at the car show didn’t know what she was talking about, despite the fact that it was true at the time we told you.

Why yes, sir – now that you bring it up, this car actually IS a death trap.

The brand I rep has a great safety record, just so you know. But obviously not all do. We are hired to be the 100 percent sun shiney positive face of the company and address all of your needs and concerns according to the company line. This does not include being all “Dude, did you see that YouTube video where CarX425 completely disintegrated upon hitting a speed bump, killing a group of orphans and LOLCats in an exceptionally gruesome manner?” You’d have to be a complete failure of a product specialist to talk about your own brand like this, but it’s key not to talk about any other that way either. The psychology of brand marketing is a very delicate thing. You’ll remember that you talked about crashes – and that word “crash” is what will stick out in your mind, regardless of the fact that it was about a competitor. Not the impression we want to give.

You’re f-ing stupid for buying this car for your kid.

Seriously. I know you have the cash. Good for you. I know you taught your kid to drive all by yourself. That’s actually part of the problem. Just because you spent a weekend at Skip Barber doesn’t mean your 16-year-old has any clue what to do with this obscenely powerful car you bought him in an extremely ill-advised attempt to prove to your hedge fund office mates that you’re a better provider than them. You know what your kid should be driving? A golf cart. Driver education in the US is piss-poor, and with rare exceptions they should not be in the weapons of vehicles they are driving.

I don’t actually drive the car I said I drive.

If you ask a booth babe what kind of car she drives (and I get that question at least twice a day), if she’s smart she will always answer with a model made by the manufacturer she reps. If we say anything else we are drawn into an awkward conversation about why not. The reasons might be perfectly reasonable and have nothing to do with the value of the car we’re standing in front of: It was all we could afford, it was purchased before we repped this brand, we got a better deal, we inherited it from a rich “uncle”, etc. When I tell people at the show what car I drive they are always suitably impressed. Too bad it’s a lie.

I don’t give two craps about your political agenda. In fact, I don’t even give one crap.

Look dude, I get it that you are passionate about buying only American despite the fact that most “American” cars are assembled elsewhere, or that as a card carrying member of the Aryan Nation you only buy cheese made in Germany, or that you protest everything Japanese especially sushi because you think geishas are sexist. I get it. I just don’t care. I mean, I think you’re an idiot. But I don’t care. My job isn’t to have a 45-minute conversation about the New World Order. My job is to tell you about horsepower, seat belts and cool stereo systems. I do have to smile and nod at your ramblings, but seriously – save the conspiracy theories for your secret underground bunker.

Obviously I can’t tell you not to ask me this stuff – it’s still a free country as far as I know and you can ask me whatever you want. Just don’t expect me to answer.

The Booth Babe is an anonymous auto show model who dishes about what really goes on behind the scenes. Read her blog at http://doyoucomewiththecar.blogspot.com. And if you treat her nicely, read her each Sunday at Thetruthaboutcars.com