The MetaCars Week In Review

Palin To Toyota: Just Resign From Making Cars

Former Alaska Governer Sarah Palin has a message for Toyota: “The best thing they can do at this point is resign from manufacturing cars,” she said in a statement posted on her refrigerator. These statements were later echoed in a speech.

“If there’s anything I’ve learned,” Palin told a crowd of supporters outside Phil’s House of Taxidermy in Bozeman, Montana, “It’s that you should always quit to focus on your family and serving people better.”

When asked how this might apply to Toyota’s situation, Palin responded “Toyota and me have a lot in common. We both have mentally challenged offspring. If I were them, golly I’d quit making cars because the establishment is too much of a mess. But they can tell supporters that they will continue to fight the good fight of making cars.”

Toyota has been plagued by quality scandals over the past several months, marked with congressional hearing and a tremendous recall. This past week several Priuses became self aware and tried to commit suicide, taking attempting to take their drivers with them.

Corvette Owner Tragically Strokes, Dies After Onlooker Sneezes on His Car

Key Biscayne, Florida orthodontist Henry Schmidlap passed away following an incident last Saturday at the annual Key Biscayne Corvette Roundup. Schmidlap, 56, suffered a fatal stroke after an on-looker sneezed on the highly-accessorized 2008 Corvette coupe he was displaying in the “My Car is More Special Than Yours” category.

“People who have never owned a Corvette just don’t understand it,” explained fellow exhibitor Mark Murphy. “Chevrolet only built 27,000 Corvettes in 2008. Of those, there may be only 25,000 left on the road. It’s our duty as Corvette owners to make sure these rare cars remain untouched and undriven, so that future generations can see just how special they are. What that person did was inexcusable.”

The on-looker, whose name has been withheld, is facing a wrongful death civil suit brought by the Key Biscayne Corvette Owners Society. The lawsuit states he brought about Schmidlap’s untimely death by desecrating a religious object, thus subjecting Schmidlap to undue stress and mental anguish, leading to his fatal stroke.

Tabloid Magazine: “Touareg’s Dramatic Weight Loss: Too Dangerous To Live?”

A supermarket tabloid magazine is taking a break from stories about the Bachelor to report on a disturbing change for Volkswagen. “Touareg Weight Loss: Super Sexy or Dangerous Behavior” hits newsstands this week.

Volkswagen’s previous Touareg SUV was considered morbidly obese by many and had

become the subject of some lampooning within the industry. “You know how it is in LA. If you’re a real car guy you want the youngest freshest [Toyota] Starlet you can find. Not some bulgy thick frau from Germany whose name you can’t pronounce,” says a gal pal of the Touareg.

The updated Touareg, being launched this week, is some 400 lbs lighter now than it was. Its diet was expensive and required exotic weight-loss techiniques, but they seem to have avoided losing weight by cutting vowels from the Touareg’s name.

According to Dr. Brent Spiner of the Ft. Lauderdale Rapid Weight Loss Real Basement Hospital, “Look, 400 lbs of weight loss sounds like a lot. Normally that’s potentially dangerous if done rapidly. But here, the Touareg is still such an obese whale that it won’t make a difference.”

“I think it’s pretty HOTT now, especially since that junk in the trunk ass is gone. I’d totally rock that shit,” said a CarsRulez blog commenter.

Upon hearing the good news, VW announced that it would be raising Touareg prices 15%.

Acura Issues Apology Statement For “Royally F*cking Up” Every Good Car It Has Made

Acura issued a statement this morning expressing contrition for “royally fucking up every good car” it has made over the past twenty-five years.

“From the Legend to the Integra to the TSX, we’ve really enjoying building up an enthusiast following and then smothering it like an unloved puppy,” Acura CEO Howard Emmerlich said in the statement. “But now it’s time to move on.”

Emmerlich continued “From this point forward, we won’t build anything people like in the first place. Acura is now about appeasing soccer moms with our MDX minivan. I learned a long time ago that the best way to avoid disappointment is to not be impressive to begin with.”

Also in the statement, Acura confirmed that starting in Q2 2010, it will be circulating false rumors about developing a V8 “just to get the Acura name out in the news a bit and maybe milk goodwill from the NSX.”