The MetaCars Week In Review

After the violently successful “Let’s Refuel America” ad campaign, during which time Chrysler pitched itself as the $2.99/gallon antidote to what seemed like expensive gas, Chrysler plans to follow it up with a new “Let’s Recall America” ad campaign.

The Chrysler Group is poised to announce a spate of wide-ranging recalls, having observed the trend set in recent weeks by global giants Toyota, Honda and Volkswagen. In the absence of actually developing new product, it is understood Chrysler has instead elected to focus on those areas where it remains competitive. As a result – and in a move clearly designed to outgun its rivals – Chrysler’s recall program will extend across the carmaker’s entire lineup, a point the company believes will give it a crucial advantage in the race to the bottom.

“As usual, the media is bowing down to Toyota and their precious recalls. Well, we can out-recall them. In fact, by the end of the week Chrysler will be recalling a bigger percentage of its product line than any other company – 100%!” said Chrysler PR spokesman Charlie Riven.

TTAC To Relaunch as TTACC, The Truth About Curbside Classics

Management at TheTruthAboutCars.com, a popular automotive website, have announced that the site will rebrand from TTAC to TTACC, or TheTruthAboutCurbsideClassics.

Editorial intern/TTACC senior spokesman Rick Springburn told MetaCars “The GM Deathwatch era is over. Now we’re all about cars [Managing Editor] Paul Neidermeyer has seen on the street in Oregon.”

The Curbside Classic series now runs 25-30 times daily, though analysts predict that will increase to 40 posts per day in the coming months.

They plan to continue the popular “Bailout Watch” series as a subset of the Curbside Classics articles, any time the Pacific Northwest is pounded by rains.

Murilee Martin, author of Jalopnik.com’s “Down on the Street” series that features old cars on the street, had no comment.

WORLD’S FIRST PARODY REVIEW OF ASTON MARTIN RAPIDE

Aston’s new four door coupe, the Rapide, is absolutely frickin’ awesome. In today’s issue, we have an objective look at how awesome it is. So, is the awesome new Aston Martin awesome?

The new Rapide is Aston’s first sedan since the Lagonda, which every real car fan knows was a crap car, far outclassed by its contemporary BMW M6. But now the Rapide is here, and there aren’t any cars like it. Nothing like this out now. Not the Mercedes S65 AMG. Not the Mercedes CLS63 AMG. Not the BMW 7-Series. Not the Audi S8. And certainly it’s nothing like the Porsche Panamera or Maserati Quattroporte.

Aston has utilized high-tech and advanced construction for the Rapide, with several aluminum body panels and for the structure too. The result is a car that is just a little bit heavier than the BMW 7-Series, which doesn’t even have any lightweight aluminum body panels.

The Rapide drives like you’d think it should, with unbelievably awesome supercar performance. The big V12 moves it from 0-60 in only 5.2 seconds, which is nearly as fast as a Mustang. And the six speed automatic also rivals the Mustang in number of gears. True, 5.2 seconds is a bit off rival Porsche Panamera Turbo’s 0-60 time of 3.5 seconds, but oh my goodness these brownies are really delicious.

And the real benefit of the Rapide is that it’s not just a supercar, or a Mustang-rival, but that it can haul your entire family in style. Rather than being a 2+2 like the DB9, with tiny rear seats, the Rapide has four doors. While they lead to two tiny rear seats, you can take short trips within town with friends under 5′6”. So the Rapide is an awesome family car.

You really have to admire Aston for this impressive space utilization. While the Honda Accord at an equal length is cavernous by comparison and seats 5 people comfortably, the 196-inch Aston Martin is awesome. It’s also not like Aston’s engineers had a lot of width to work with either; the Rapide is only 1 inch wider than the diminutive BMW 7-Series.

Naturally the Rapide has all the features you could want in a $200,000 car. Bluetooth, power heated front seats, satellite radio, and iPod connectivity. Just go try and find those in a $15,000 Kia.

The Aston Martin Rapide is the most anticipated car in its class since the last car that came along, the Porsche Panamera. And the Rapide will surely be the most celebrated until the next car that comes along, too.

So here’s your verdict. How awesome is the Aston Rapide? After close investigation, we determined that it’s awesome in every way. And that’s something you can write a cutesy closing line about.

MetaCars.com is the world’s oldest daily parody car blog. Owner Justin Berkowitz fabricates almost everything on the site. The rest is fabricated by friends. Read it daily at www.metacars.com.