By on January 9, 2010

Don't worry, he reads

GM Hires 78 Year-Old Man To Debut New Youth-Oriented Buick Regal GS

General Motors has contracted with a 78-year old man to debut a new Buick model meant to reorient the brand away from 80 year old buyers.

Robert A. Lutz, a Korean war veteran, helped himself up to the stage to announce the new Buick. Shown beside him in classic Buick white, Lutz said it would “be the final nail in the coffin for the old Buick brand image.” The new Regal GS is equipped with new-era technology, such as power seats, locks, and windows, as well as a full-sized trunk.

Another General Motors spokesman, Harold Braudel, told media members: “This new Regal is a classic American sedan. It marries European engineering with European design, all brought together by European manufacture.

Mr. Lutz had already teamed up with General Motors for work in the past; the octogenarian charmingly brought his Cadillac sedan to a track contest some months ago.

“Our goal is to show how youthful Buick has become. We’re shattering perceptions, and also hips,” Braudel concluded.

Chrysler to Debut Chrysler-Badged Lancia Delta in Detroit, Estimates 100,000 Pre-Orders Will be Placed in January

Who wants to fly Delta?

Chrysler will debut a new luxury hatchback based on the European Lancia Delta at the Detroit Auto Show, in Detroit, Michigan early next week.

The hatchback, thought to be called the Chrysler ‘In Memory of 9/11’ (Patriot, Liberty, and Freedom-Edition are already in use in the Chrysler/Dodge/Jeep family), is said to feature a Chrysler nose grafted onto the Lancia Delta body.

“Since I can’t design a new Chrysler 300 every week, we’re going with a tried and true strategy: import and rebadge a car from overseas, said Chrysler VP of Design Ralph Gilles. “Think about how profitable and successful this has been in the past.”

When asked for examples of this strategy’s success historically, Gilles responded “The past 30 years are littered with examples of high-selling, much-loved, profitable captive imports. Just think: the Merkur XR4Ti, Merkur Scorpio, Sterling 825, Saturn Astra, Ford Contour, Pontiac G8, Pontiac GTO, AMC Alliance, Eagle Medallion, Eagle Premier, Dodge Monaco, Buick Opel by Isuzu, Australian Mercury Capri, Acura SLX, Saab 9-7X, Saab 9-2X, Chrysler Crossfire, and Cadillac Catera.”

Jalopnik to Restructure: Every Post Title Now to Include The Word “Hoon”

In a lengthy manifesto published yesterday on, Editor-in-Chief Ray Wert announced that the site would reevaluate its content and direction due to severe underusage of the word “hoon.”

“I know it’s important to you. Each and every one of you commenters with a star, and even the pathetic losers without a star, that we put hoon in every post title and as many sentences as possible. I’ve slacked off on modifying my own use of the word hoon, with alternatives like hoonage, hoonery, and hoonpees simplex b,” Wert said in the post.

Sources within the Jalopnik headquarters say that staff have already stepped up their hoon-use. “Just this morning, I asked someone to beer me a hoon, and they knew what I was talking about,” said a staffer. “If you don’t watch The Office or read Jalopnik, you might not get it. But that’s what is at the core of our Jalopnik brand: inside jokes.”

After posting the manifesto, Jalopnik promised to shift valuable resources away from covering Transformers 3 and into coverage of the upcoming A-Team movie.

Random Dick Guy with “TRNSPRTA” License Plate Swears He’s Never Seen Transporter 2AudiTRNSPRTA

A random dick guy with a high performance Audi S6 and the custom lincense plate “TRNSPRTA” claims he has never seen the movie Transporter 2, sources say.

“I’m friends with the guy who owns the car. He’s a dick, really. AND he says the idea to put the TRNSPRTA license plate on just came to him, that it’s not from the movie. Whatever!” said one gas station attendant familiar with the dick.

The Transporter 2 action film starred Jason Statham, finding work as a nanny between jobs as a professional criminal chauffer. Statham drove an Audi A8 with a 12-cylinder engine and an automatic transmission, an alternative to the random dick’s Audi S6 for people who aren’t so poor.

Experts, however, say that the “TRNSPRTA” license plate is too much of a giveaway. “If this random dick was in fact a professional driver for bank robbers, it’s unlikely he’d have a vanity plate that says TRNSPRTA” said Michael Cohen, a professor of Criminology at the University of Phoenix Online.

F1 CEO Bernie Ecclestone: “I’d Buy Saab if Only Those Jew Bankers Would Give Me Funding”

Bernie Ecclestone, the CEO of Formula One racing, has put in a last minute bid to buy Saab. “Doctors tell me that with the declining popularity of F1 racing, buying a car company may be the only way to save my ego from starvation.”

Unfortunately, the road block for Ecclestone will be securing enough funding for the transaction. “If the Jew bankers would loan me money, I might be able to put the deal through without any more delays. If Hitler was at the negotiating table, we’d have signed all the documents already and I’d be surveying Trollhatten,” Ecclestone told reporters.

Ecclestone previously cited his respect for Hitler’s productivity. In response to criticism for those comments from Jewish civil organizations, Ecclestone recently told the Associated Press “It’s a pity they didn’t sort the banks out. They have a lot of influence everywhere.”

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24 Comments on “The MetaCars Week In Review...”

  • avatar

    I think this was meant to be funny, but it’s not…there is way too much truth in this feature to be even remotely funny. Sad.

  • avatar

    You weren’t kidding when you said Metacars has some of the best auto humor on the web.  I had never heard of them before but laugh my ass off reading the stuff.  The Lutz headline is priceless.

  • avatar

    The “Onion” of the automotive world. Great stuff!

  • avatar

    Metacars is in fine form today. Of course, the idea of Buick going after the youth market makes it easy to write satire. The days when one could drop a big V8 into an ordinary intermediate and make a car Ronnie and the Daytonas would sing about are long gone.

  • avatar

    Buick better be careful about shattering hips, that’s going to turn off the key 55-64 demographic that isn’t yet covered by Medicare.

    The only thing Wert’s overuse of hoon will do is make people who actually care about cars more than their shallow fame stop using the word.  “The other day I was driving to a cocktail party for the opening of Transformers 3 in my leased automatic transmission BWM (they gave me a great trade in price for my Jeep Liberty) and I noticed that I was driving 59 in a 55 zone.  Hoonage!”

    What Bernie doesn’t realize is that the Jews control all the money because they don’t do things like loan people money to buy Saab.  Maybe he can go to the mafia; they’ll make a good vig off an idiot with a gambling addiction.  And by the way Bernie, the scumbag most responsible, by far, for the banking crisis is a Christian Scientist.

  • avatar

    If Lutz is 78, that would make him a septogenarian, not an octogenarian.

  • avatar

    Chill Slushy.  I do love the metacars site!  It’s one of the few things I read on line that makes me literally laugh out loud.

  • avatar

    It must be my sense of humor because I don’t don’t find any of this particularly clever. It seems to me it is basically TTAC with a thin veneer of what is being called humor. The Onion makes me laugh. This? Not so much.

  • avatar

    I thought it was great this week, especially the Lutz piece.

  • avatar

    Hilarious. Not. I give the site 6 weeks? Or less.

    • 0 avatar
      Justin Berkowitz

      I don’t even think he’ll make it 6 weeks. The guy is an unfunny hack and I bet the creditors are breaking down his door right now. Have you seen the page views stats for MetaCars yet? Pathetic.

  • avatar

    Not a satire guy…

    • 0 avatar
      Justin Berkowitz

      Jim, you brought up the satire versus humor thing last week. I’m sorry that this seems to be such a bother for you.
      MetaCars isn’t serious. It’s about cars, I write it in my spare time, and it’s intended to be funny (and I know that some people will find it funny and some won’t).
      What I do find ironic is that you seem to take this issue pretty seriously, enough so to write about it last week and this, and give a link to a serious history of National Lampoon and the Onion on a website called “My Star Car Collector.”
      While we’re on the philosophy kick, I’ve always found it sad that the internet encourages people to be so very opinionated, often tactlessly. This isn’t a perfect analogy, but it’s hard to imagine you walking up to a stand up comic after a show and critiquing him. I’m not hurt by your comments — I’ve invited them by posting my material and besides, I have no real reason to care what your opinions are. But it seems like a very different kind of interaction than what two people would have in person.
      Best regards.

    • 0 avatar

      Did you just say, “While we’re on the philosophy kick, I’ve always found it sad that the internet encourages people to be so very opinionated, often tactlessly”???   You might as well be describing half the articles on TTAC!

  • avatar

    Sorry’s my 25 years of opinion pieces for my local daily kicking in. I have a great love for cars, but sometimes I just have to feed my habit on opinions about other earthly subjects. Incidentally, I believe that you have a flair for writing if that helps.

  • avatar


  • avatar

    The Audi S6 is too good a car to be owned by dicks like that.
    They should be owned by dicks like me.

  • avatar

    Can I ask ANYONE…

    Who here thinks that this is true? “The new Regal GS is equipped with new-era technology, such as power seats, locks, and windows, as well as a full-sized trunk.”

    Didnt the Roadmasters have this… and every other Buick going back to before he was at GM (back in the STONE AGE!)

  • avatar

    I actually woke someone up sniggering at a few of these.  Nice work, PLEASE don’t stop; there’s so little entertaining stuff in the world of cars these days.

  • avatar

    I guess that that the humor in the piece requires that the reader have opinions of Bob Lutz, Audi-Driving Dicks, Jalopnick’s fall from grace, etc. – In which case, you’re “preaching to the choir”.  “LOL” humor requires going off the path that the reader’s mind may already have traversed – the Onion does it by their use of outrageous quotes and foul language that you’d not expect out of public figures (as well as universal irony).
    “78-Year-Old Auto Exec Declares “Buick No Longer a Car For Old Farts”
    “EXCLUSIVE – Chrysler Still Sleeping Around Europe – Snaps of Italian Love Child”
    “Random Dick Guy with Audi Bearing “TRNSPTRA” License Plate Terrorized City While Delivering Meals-On Wheels”
    But I’d leave the “Jew-Banker” thing alone (no balls, I guess).

    • 0 avatar

      Still not quite oniony enough.  Now these…

      “Nation’s Nipples Severely Under-Clamped, U.S. Bureau Of Masochism Reports”
      “Department Of Interior Employee Caught Embezzling 50,000 Wolves”
      “Clint Eastwood Continues Desperate, 40-Year Attempt To Win Over Unimpressed Man”

      These are oniony.

    • 0 avatar

      Yeeesss. Must be the water in Madison, WI.   :-)

  • avatar

    been enjoying these so far- they are great if you take them for what they are: a nice short break from all of the serious stuff on here.

    that said, hoonpees simplex b made me snort out loud.  quite embarassing.

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