3 Reasons Why A Ferrari Will Not Get You Laid

Robert Farago
by Robert Farago

If cocaine is God’s way of saying you have too much money, a Ferrari is God’s way of saying you have too much money and too clean a driving license. Of course, there are plenty of good reasons to buy a bit of Maranello magic. The average Fezza makes Marissa Miller look like Hagrid. While a Ferrari will kill you dead with snap oversteer, right up to that point, they handle like a Camillus Sizzle Folding Lockback. The cars smell like sex and sound like . . . sex. Well, someone having sex. Someone LOUD, experiencing a great deal of echt pleasure. Of course, there are plenty of reasons NOT to buy a Ferrari. Chief amongst them: attempting to light a box of wet cigars with hundred dollar bills is a more financially rewarding pursuit. But if you should be considering the possibility of owning a Ferrari, even from afar, here’s something to keep in mind: it will not get you laid. In fact, there was only one time I ever saw a woman put out for a Ferrari owner. It was a key scene in Peter North’s short-lived Maximum Thrust series. And I got the distinct impression that the woman in question (and the man in the woman in question) would have done the wild thing if they’d used a 1967 Camaro as the bait car. Keeping in mind the whole scene was fictional. Well, in terms of motivation. Anyway . . .

Perhaps now would be a good time to point out that I’m speaking here about heterosexual relations. Although I appreciate a taut six-pack as much as the next beer drinker (one wonders who instructed the beverage and what it learned), I am only fully qualified to talk about the male – female – Ferrari menage a trois. So . . .

1. Ferrari mechanics don’t put out – Let’s face it: Ferraris break. Ferrari has. The head of their NA ops told me straight out: “Ferrari owners understand that they’re subsidizing real world testing of new technologies.” And they have the Mercedes to prove it. Ask Walter: your Ferrari mechanic will spend more time with your car than you will. In fact, he’ll be amongst the select group of people who knows that you own a Ferrari. ‘Cause you won’t want to drive it in bad weather. Or put miles on it during the week. And when you do drive it, you’ll want to drive it; not try and get laid.

2. Woman worth sleeping with don’t sleep with men based on their cars – Technically, this isn’t a reason why your Ferrari won’t get you laid. But given the genetic stakes involved with the whole fluid-swapping deal, it’s not an invidious distinction. If you’re rich enough to afford a Ferrari, you do not want to sleep with the kind of woman who sleeps with you based on your car (remember: this is after high school, when most boys want to sleep with any woman who wants to sleep with them for any reason). And if you do, you’re smart enough to know that it’s a lot easier to simply pay cash for the privilege [insert air quotes here] and be done with it.

By the same token, the kind of women who would sleep with a man because he has a Ferrari—and is enough of a babe to make a straight cash transaction seem unseemly—would be smart enough to estimate the owner’s total net worth based on more than his four-wheeled Italian toy (which she’ll know may represent the mother of all car payments). And she’d be smart enough to not let him know that she knew it. So while she might be sleeping with you because of your Ferrari, the mansion would have been enough anyway. Another technical argument, but I didn’t write the headline. Or, more precisely, I didn’t think about it enough when I did. Hey, I was distracted.

Robert Farago
Robert Farago

More by Robert Farago

Comments
Join the conversation
2 of 32 comments
  • Sinistermisterman Sinistermisterman on Oct 15, 2009

    "Or, maybe a 1986 Pontiac Trans Am" OMG that advert rocks. You can just imagine the complaints an advert like that would get today. BTW, I get some and I currently driving a 1986 Dodge Aries... Not out of choice I might add.

  • Rufusprime99 Rufusprime99 on Jan 30, 2013

    Oh come on. We all see what is going on here. You are just trying to comfort all those guys that DON'T have a Ferrari. The man who has a Ferrari is a man who appreciates beauty and magic. The woman who will put out for a man like this will be bold, tan, tall, have great hips, a flat stomach, generous breasts, a wry smile and a twinkle in her eye. This won't be some cheap, lurid encounter, comparable to something one would pay for. While it will likely be a one time thing, it will be a joyful, playful and memorable event. Mischievous, fun, MAGIC. Kind of like driving a Ferrari. ;) And don't think the fun is just for the guy. The story the woman will tell is: "I went for a drive in this guys' Ferrari. And, it was just so......Red, the engine so..... masculine, and well we..... well, you know. It was amazing." So ladies, when your Ferrari guy rolls up, don't miss your chance.

  • Stephen My "mid-level" limited edition Tonino Lambo Ferraccio Junior watch has performed flawlessly with attractive understated style for nearly 20 years. Their cars are not so much to my taste-- my Acura NSX is just fine. Not sure why you have such condescension towards these excellent timepieces. They are attractive without unnecessary flamboyance, keep perfect time and are extremely reliable. They are also very reasonably priced.
  • Dana You don’t need park, you set auto hold (button on the console). Every BMW answers to ‘Hey, BMW’, but you can set your own personal wake word in iDrive. It takes less than 5 minutes to figure that that out, btw. The audio stays on which is handy for Teams meetings. Once your phone is out of range, the audio is stopped on the car. You can always press down on the audio volume wheel which will mute it, if it bothers you. I found all the controls very intuitive.
  • ToolGuy Not sure if I've ever said this, or if you were listening:• Learn to drive, people.Also, learn which vehicles to take home with you and which ones to walk away from. You are an adult now, think for yourself. (Those ads are lying to you. Your friendly neighborhood automotive dealer, also lying to you. Politicians? Lying to you. Oh yeah, learn how to vote lol.)Addendum for the weak-minded who think I am advocating some 'driver training' program: Learning is not something you do in school once for all time. Learning how to drive is not something that someone does for you. It is a continuous process driven by YOU. Learn how to learn how to drive, and learn to drive. Keep on learning how to drive. (You -- over there -- especially you, you kind of suck at driving. LOL.)Example: Do you know where your tires are? When you are 4 hours into a 6 hour interstate journey and change lanes, do you run over the raised center line retroreflective bumpers, or do you steer between them?
  • Mike Bradley Advertising, movies and TV, manufacturing, and car culture have all made speeding and crashing the ultimate tests of manhood. Throw in the political craziness and you've got a perfect soup of destruction and costs.
  • Lou_BC Jay Leno had said that EV's would be good since they could allow the continued existence of ICE cars for enthusiasts. That sentiment makes sense. Many buyers see vehicles as a necessary appliance.
Next