3 Reasons Why A Ferrari Will Not Get You Laid

If cocaine is God’s way of saying you have too much money, a Ferrari is God’s way of saying you have too much money and too clean a driving license. Of course, there are plenty of good reasons to buy a bit of Maranello magic. The average Fezza makes Marissa Miller look like Hagrid. While a Ferrari will kill you dead with snap oversteer, right up to that point, they handle like a Camillus Sizzle Folding Lockback. The cars smell like sex and sound like . . . sex. Well, someone having sex. Someone LOUD, experiencing a great deal of echt pleasure. Of course, there are plenty of reasons NOT to buy a Ferrari. Chief amongst them: attempting to light a box of wet cigars with hundred dollar bills is a more financially rewarding pursuit. But if you should be considering the possibility of owning a Ferrari, even from afar, here’s something to keep in mind: it will not get you laid. In fact, there was only one time I ever saw a woman put out for a Ferrari owner. It was a key scene in Peter North’s short-lived Maximum Thrust series. And I got the distinct impression that the woman in question (and the man in the woman in question) would have done the wild thing if they’d used a 1967 Camaro as the bait car. Keeping in mind the whole scene was fictional. Well, in terms of motivation. Anyway . . .

Perhaps now would be a good time to point out that I’m speaking here about heterosexual relations. Although I appreciate a taut six-pack as much as the next beer drinker (one wonders who instructed the beverage and what it learned), I am only fully qualified to talk about the male – female – Ferrari menage a trois. So . . .

1. Ferrari mechanics don’t put out – Let’s face it: Ferraris break. Ferrari has. The head of their NA ops told me straight out: “Ferrari owners understand that they’re subsidizing real world testing of new technologies.” And they have the Mercedes to prove it. Ask Walter: your Ferrari mechanic will spend more time with your car than you will. In fact, he’ll be amongst the select group of people who knows that you own a Ferrari. ‘Cause you won’t want to drive it in bad weather. Or put miles on it during the week. And when you do drive it, you’ll want to drive it; not try and get laid.

2. Woman worth sleeping with don’t sleep with men based on their cars – Technically, this isn’t a reason why your Ferrari won’t get you laid. But given the genetic stakes involved with the whole fluid-swapping deal, it’s not an invidious distinction. If you’re rich enough to afford a Ferrari, you do not want to sleep with the kind of woman who sleeps with you based on your car (remember: this is after high school, when most boys want to sleep with any woman who wants to sleep with them for any reason). And if you do, you’re smart enough to know that it’s a lot easier to simply pay cash for the privilege [insert air quotes here] and be done with it.

By the same token, the kind of women who would sleep with a man because he has a Ferrari—and is enough of a babe to make a straight cash transaction seem unseemly—would be smart enough to estimate the owner’s total net worth based on more than his four-wheeled Italian toy (which she’ll know may represent the mother of all car payments). And she’d be smart enough to not let him know that she knew it. So while she might be sleeping with you because of your Ferrari, the mansion would have been enough anyway. Another technical argument, but I didn’t write the headline. Or, more precisely, I didn’t think about it enough when I did. Hey, I was distracted.