The Gayest Car Review Ever Written

Robert Farago
by Robert Farago

Frank Williams sent me the link to this Vanity Fair Maserati Quattroporte review. A small sample of Mr. Berk’s purple prose: “These guys were clearly not worthy of my Maser, and yet, there they were, all up inside him. I worried that maybe I’d come on too strong, or crossed a line with all those off-color jokes about his equipment. I tried to distract myself with a series of high-end tricks: a Benz, a Bentley, and even a Rolls. But I couldn’t stop thinking about my Italian. I felt like Dirk Bogarde in Visconti’s Death in Venice, but without the pedophilia, the moustache, or the bad white suit.” OK B&B, I’m trusting you here (with the usual vigilance and verification). No gay bashing comments allowed. And the usual strictures about flaming the website, its authors or fellow commentators apply. All that said, why does VF’s carmudgeon consider the Maserati Quattroporte a gay car? Mazda Miata, sure. But isn’t this review a gay take on . . . a car?

Robert Farago
Robert Farago

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  • Geeber Geeber on Jul 13, 2009
    Dynamic88: OK, let me ask this. If the Miata is a gay car, what about; 1. Honda S2000? 2. Mitsubishi Eclipse ? 3. Solstice/Sky ? 4. VW Eos ? 5. Mini Cooper? Based on what I've witnessed: Honda S2000: owned by Sports Car Club of America (SCCA) members who actually take their cars to the track on a regular basis. More concerned about their particular car's performance than anything else. Mitsubishi Eclipse: owned by college-age males, most of whom appear to be straight, as there is usually a scantily clad female in the passenger seat. Pontiac Solstice/Saturn Sky: owned by middle-age and older GM loyalists, who believe that all of those bad reviews are just one more example of the world against GM. Too old and grumpy to care about anyone's sexuality. In many case, they probably don't even care about their own anymore... VW Eos: owned by sorority sisters, or young 20-something women, who were in a sorority in college. Are not necessarily lesbians, but many straight males wouldn't mind if they were at least bisexual. Mini: owned by young, urban-dwelling males who want a cool car, but don't have much space to park it, and don't have to worry about carrying much in the way of cargo or passengers. Usually straight, but not necessarily attached to any particular woman, and entirely comfortable around gays.
  • Theodore Theodore on Jul 13, 2009

    When I bought my Miata some of my friends made fun of me for buying a "girly car." Fast-forward several months. I meet a new girl. On our first date we're riding around with the top down and I'm pulling away from a light. I crack off a nice upshift and she says, "I love that sound." She likes the car (and me) too. Think I'll keep her. :-)

  • BlueBrat BlueBrat on Jul 13, 2009

    The grill on a Quattroporte looks like a hairy snatch, how is this car gay? geeber : The S2000 is driven by Owen, the bi-sexual character (in both RL and in the show) of Torchwood. I think it's the same color as my S2000 was.

  • Accs Accs on Jul 13, 2009

    geeber: Ya forgot about the Solara and the SC that both SCREAM hairdresser cars. Then again... most of the verts from BMW: Z3, Z4 SCREAM hairdresser. Include the SLK, CLK and SL in that pointlessness. Even though.. in the right trim, packaging and driver.. each could be a MONSTER. The Z3 hardtop / could be a shooting brake.. is a car Ive had naughty thoughts about.. its lines are so beautiful and its power is alluring. SO.. no woman would drive that. On the other hand, the Golf / Rabbit has absolutely has no power (1.8-2ltr 4cycl, non-turbo), but like the EOS, is made by a company that puts out virtually all chic cars. They don't have power (exception to the GTI) they don't have good looks, they do have electrical gremlins that make Jag electrical systems scared. If ya can remember, VW started their rollout of advertising of the Toureg / Q7 / Cayenne with a woman in a test drive with the salesguy.. in a white Toureg driving around blinded by the light. (Never mind if the vehicle had snow tires...) Now, the Celica and the Civic coupe both have /had the same appeal to women. I cant tell ya how many THOUSANDS of R E D, base model, auto, 2dr Civic, COUPES I've seen when I was in college (coupla years back) driven by hordes of hot women. Not Accord / Accord sedans / Accord Coupes, not Preludes, not RSXs, not Integras, CIVIC coupes.. in red, with the caps and the base model. Then again.. those same women drove the same color Jetta. Dark blue with the same auto and same black interior. Each and every car mentioned.. while being totally gutless and driven with no real goal or purpose.. is handled delicately by some really hot girls. I cant say I've ever come up to a Eclispe and not had some girl driving it. Then again.. same can be said for Mustang or Camaro in the 6cycl auto, in red, black or white. ' ' ' As for going back on topic.. The Quattroporte isnt marketed against gay men. Somehow I don't see gay guys dropping 100-120k on a uber sedan that couldn't buy better more viscerally stunning cars. A CLK500 AMG could do more viscerally. And as for as trade-ins go, I just cant see gay guys trading in SLs or Phateons (looking at price comparos) for a Maser Quattro.