By on July 11, 2009

Frank Williams sent me the link to this Vanity Fair Maserati Quattroporte review. A small sample of Mr. Berk’s purple prose: “These guys were clearly not worthy of my Maser, and yet, there they were, all up inside him. I worried that maybe I’d come on too strong, or crossed a line with all those off-color jokes about his equipment. I tried to distract myself with a series of high-end tricks: a Benza Bentley, and even a Rolls. But I couldn’t stop thinking about my Italian. I felt like Dirk Bogarde in Visconti’s Death in Venice, but without the pedophilia, the moustache, or the bad white suit.” OK B&B, I’m trusting you here (with the usual vigilance and verification). No gay bashing comments allowed. And the usual strictures about flaming the website, its authors or fellow commentators apply. All that said, why does VF’s carmudgeon consider the Maserati Quattroporte a gay car? Mazda Miata, sure. But isn’t this review a gay take on . . . a car?

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41 Comments on “The Gayest Car Review Ever Written...”


  • avatar
    commando1

    For now forgotten reasons, I once Googled “gay car”. Up popped my 1976 Chrysler New Yorker as the first hit. Better yet, the first time I saw a Maserati Quattroporte in person on the hghway, I followed the guy for several miles because I loved the car so much and wanted to keep looking at it.

    Who knew? Should I tell my wife?

    That aside, You’ll never get me to buy a copy of Vanity Fair because I want to read it for the car articles…

  • avatar
    Strippo

    All that said, why does VF’s carmudgeon consider the Maserati Quattroporte a gay car? Mazda Miata, sure.

    I could give you such a pinch.

    (Clearly his pov is that he’s so super gay he makes other gays cringe, and he digs the car, therefore it’s a gay car worthy of a cringe-worthy review.)

  • avatar
    arapaima

    “Pricked by Neptune’s fork”

    Perhaps unintentional innuendo?

  • avatar
    Ingvar

    That guy should get his priorities straight. Never trust a guy who calls his car “him”.

    And the gayest car ever made seems to be the Subaru Outback.

  • avatar
    tparkit

    This VF piece is not about a car. It is about the reviewer.

  • avatar
    carguy

    I don’t think the gay overtones have anything to do with the car.

  • avatar
    Strippo

    It’s a satirical commentary on the “gay car review” concept. I just hope the author is in on his own joke.

  • avatar
    Andy D

    hey, the guy may be heterosexually challenged, but he has good taste in cars. Maseratis are purty

  • avatar
    Billy Bobb 2

    Out is in, fellas.

  • avatar
    Billy Bobb 2

    The Maserati Trident reminds me of myself, a human tripod.

  • avatar
    twotone

    Gay cars = Saab, Subaru, Saturn, Jeep CJ, Miata, New Beetle. Nothing wrong with them, they just seem popular with the demographic.

    Twotone

  • avatar
    tauronmaikar

    I don’t know about the gayest written, but the gayest video car review has to go to basically any review by the gayest of them all: Mr. Tiff Needel of Fifth Gear.

  • avatar

    tauronmaikar

    I met Tiff somewhere exotic (who remembers?). He had a lovely family. OK, he looked hot in his Speedo, but he is, at the least, somewhat heterosexual.

    Not that it matters. But sibilance does not sexual orientation make.

    Just sssayin’.

  • avatar
    tauronmaikar

    RF,

    I like Tiff and I didn’t think he was a homosexual… behind the cameras. In front of them he flames as much as a turboed Supra with nitrous.

  • avatar
    MarkStJohn

    I am gay, and i still find it over the top.

  • avatar
    Strippo

    Needell is British. It’s practically the same thing.

  • avatar
    no_slushbox

    It does like the Quattroporte has had its grille enhanced to give itself DSL, so if the car is male then it probably is gay.

    Also, as they would say on Top Gear, I’ve often seen cocks inside of the Quattroporte. In fact, I’ve heard that up to five cocks can be shoved inside the Quattroporte at the same time.

  • avatar
    Accords

    Hmmm,
    Alright.. maybe its me.. or maybe I’m in some twisted universe where ANOTHER CAR site (besides Jalopnik.com) is giving a shit about a review.. on a 120k Maser GT from VANITY FAIR.

    I can actually say…
    I’m not impressed with the Maser.

    I love the front clip..
    But at that price range.. there are so many there are so many other cars.. or other vehicles to covet to actually drive than this.

    He coulda bought a
    A5
    A6
    Panamera
    Rapide
    CLS
    A E-Class AMG
    A S Class AMG
    A CL
    An SL
    A M6

  • avatar
    sfdennis1

    As a gay man and a ‘car guy’, it’s good to see a little diversity among auto enthusiasts.

    I’ve wondered why cars were always a ‘she/her’… What’s so feminine about a Hemi Challenger? Or an Escalade? Or any AMG Mercedes or M BMW?

    Those are some ‘butch women’, that’s for sure.
    Yeah, I could see the Quattroporte as a dude, in an Armani suit.

    But what would I know…I’m one of the fabled gay Miata drivers. (Navy blue w/ tan leather) Any straight car guy (under 6’1″ tall or so) who disses the Miata as a gay car, well dude, you’re just missing out. Girls LOVE my car, guys love my car…the only people who seem to have a problem with it are some neanderthals with insecurities about their ‘manhood’.

    But on a nice sunny day, with the top down, and the little 4-banger making a sweet snarl as it climbs past 5K on the tach, and I’m flinging it around a corner…well, I’m having waay too much fun to care what anybody else thinks.

  • avatar
    Dynamic88

    I don’t get why the Miata is gay. It’s a zippy little sports car that most of us can afford. It’s no Maserati, it’s no Corvette, but it is the modern day equivalent of an MGA – only it actually starts when you turn the key and actually keeps running.

    When did enthusiasts start equating high revving engines, manual transmissions and good handling with gayness?

    Were all those 1960s guys driving around in MGs, and Austin-Healeys gay?

  • avatar
    Strippo

    Farago was just yanking a chain that has been yanked a million times before. The truth is that there is nothing gayer than machismo. Miata bashers should just come out. You’ll feel better.

  • avatar
    NulloModo

    I agree that the Miata is a fun little car, I would have one on my list of potential buys if I fit in one better. As it is, the frame around the windshield glass is exactly at eye level, so when driving one I have to choose between looking over it and exposing my face to bugs/debris or hunching down to look under it. Thankfully I have never had to drive one during inclement weather, as I’m not sure what I would do if I had to put the top up.

  • avatar
    ellomdian

    @ Accords: Yes, those are all also options. Strictly inferior ones, but still options. I respect your opinion, but for style and performance, if you have the means, I highly recommend it (the Maser.)It is SO choice!

    Especially in that gray. The one I’ve driven (Twice!) is that color, and it is AMAZING in the evening, in the snow, in the rain. Pretty much all the time, outside of broad daylight. It’s always a shame to see one parked in Cherry Creek on the street, as it looks it’s best in the corner of a nice, shaded garage.

    As for the review – the Quattroporte is a hell of a sexual car, regardless of your persuasion. It has distinct masculine and feminine elements, and I think it really comes down to which ones catch your eye first. The review was a bit over the top, but I can full heartedly echo the passion (if not the fire!) the author presented!

  • avatar
    Qusus

    No way, is this for real? Surely, the author is trying to pull a Jonathan Swift on us no? Someone give me a definitive answer on this.

  • avatar
    Strippo

    This review was preceded by a “He v. He” video debate on whether the Quattroporte is gay or straight.

    http://www.vanityfair.com/online/style/2009/01/maserati-quattroporte-sport-gts.html

  • avatar
    no_slushbox

    Strippo:

    Wow, and I thought my comment above was graphic.

    The take on fender portholes being glory holes is interesting; if GM takes advantage of that it could finally clearly define the Buick brand.

  • avatar
    Strippo

    Personally I’d love to see the “glory hole” stigma stick. Cadillac and Buick have so abused portholes that I hate seeing them on any vehicle younger than I am.

  • avatar

    But on a nice sunny day, with the top down, and the little 4-banger making a sweet snarl as it climbs past 5K on the tach, and I’m flinging it around a corner…well, I’m having waay too much fun to care what anybody else thinks.

    That’s pretty much my sentiment on the matter. My old first gen Saturn (’93 SL2 5speed) was definitely considered a chick car, but I couldn’t have cared less, because I enjoyed so much driving the thing (well, and because I guess I just don’t lack confidence in that particular department). That said, I’m more interested in the girl car/guy car distinction than the gay car/straight car distinction. But somehow, I would imagine a gay car to be one with a lot of style, but maybe slightly baroque in its style, and the quattroporte seems to me to qualify. Also, probably a ’64 Imperial, although I’m not sure. Anyone? Personally, I love the Imperial, and the 4-port leaves me cold.

  • avatar
    N8iveVA

    while i am gay, and i do think the Quattroporte is gorgeous, i would never think of it as a “gay car”, although the review was definately over the top for me. but the Miata, well let’s just say i do have several friends that own them.

  • avatar
    TR3GUY

    As the former owner of a TR-3 (considered hairy chested because it was raw) and alfa GTV (sex sex sex) and now a Miata (it might be gay ’cause it’s not raw or overpowered) I would think folks are saying a gay car is girly. So to me it must have auto, power everything and big vanity mirrors I guess.

    No to me a gay car is sexy. So the ‘Vette isn’t gay, the S5 is, the Quart is….

  • avatar
    Dynamic88

    OK, let me ask this.

    If the Miata is a gay car, what about;

    1. Honda S2000?

    2. Mitsubishi Eclipse ?

    3. Solstice/Sky ?

    4. VW Eos ?

    5. Mini Cooper?

  • avatar

    Well now that I’ve finally read the VF article, I agree with whoever said the review is more about the author than the car. and with Strippo’s comment:
    It’s a satirical commentary on the “gay car review” concept. I just hope the author is in on his own joke.

  • avatar
    niky

    Tiff? Gay? If you mean gay as in happy, then yes… I’ve never seen anyone more gleeful behind the wheel of a car.

    Awesome review, actually… I was laughing my ass off the whole time… can I help it if I’m 10% gay?

  • avatar
    sfdennis1

    To all the straight guys wondering about what is a ‘gay car’…I’d say generally fun, stylish, has some prestige or maybe even a little snob appeal,(more likely to buy a CPO or lease return than a new Hyundai or Chevy) and more often foreign than domestic (though that’s a generality, not a rule.)

    I’m the only Miata driver in my circle of 20+ closer gay friends, but there are 2 Mini Cooper S’s, a Boxster S, an Eos, a few BMW’s, a few Mercedes, 2 RAV4’s, an Acura RSX, a Suburu Outback (and he’s not a lesbian), an Audi A6, a Prius, an Element, a Saab 9-3, and assorted others.

    Pretty decent cars overall…so look, if you’re driving a ‘gay car’…relax and know that all it means is you have pretty good taste in autos. Be proud, head held high… maybe throw yourself a ‘special parade’ in late June…just kidding.

  • avatar
    niky

    That’s the funny thing about guys claiming something-or-another is a “gay” car. The gay guys I know typically have great taste. Thus the term “metrosexual”, so that heterosexuals with good taste can be stylish without risking their masculinity.

  • avatar
    Ronman

    No Comment on the Gayest because i agree with Farago, as for Tiff, please guys, this guy is a reference for many, no need going about bashing people.

    saying Tiff is gay is like saying Clarkson is completely unbiased and balanced in his opinion(s)…

  • avatar
    jerseydevil

    One of the funniest reviews I have ever read, I almost fell off my chair.

    I always wondered about “gay cars”. As a gay man, i always thought I’d simply be issued one. So far it hasn’t happened, tho. However, if anyone asks, I will say I want tnis one.

  • avatar
    geeber

    Dynamic88: OK, let me ask this.

    If the Miata is a gay car, what about;

    1. Honda S2000?

    2. Mitsubishi Eclipse ?

    3. Solstice/Sky ?

    4. VW Eos ?

    5. Mini Cooper?

    Based on what I’ve witnessed:

    Honda S2000: owned by Sports Car Club of America (SCCA) members who actually take their cars to the track on a regular basis. More concerned about their particular car’s performance than anything else.

    Mitsubishi Eclipse: owned by college-age males, most of whom appear to be straight, as there is usually a scantily clad female in the passenger seat.

    Pontiac Solstice/Saturn Sky: owned by middle-age and older GM loyalists, who believe that all of those bad reviews are just one more example of the world against GM. Too old and grumpy to care about anyone’s sexuality. In many case, they probably don’t even care about their own anymore…

    VW Eos: owned by sorority sisters, or young 20-something women, who were in a sorority in college. Are not necessarily lesbians, but many straight males wouldn’t mind if they were at least bisexual.

    Mini: owned by young, urban-dwelling males who want a cool car, but don’t have much space to park it, and don’t have to worry about carrying much in the way of cargo or passengers. Usually straight, but not necessarily attached to any particular woman, and entirely comfortable around gays.

  • avatar

    When I bought my Miata some of my friends made fun of me for buying a “girly car.” Fast-forward several months. I meet a new girl. On our first date we’re riding around with the top down and I’m pulling away from a light. I crack off a nice upshift and she says, “I love that sound.” She likes the car (and me) too. Think I’ll keep her. :-)

  • avatar

    The grill on a Quattroporte looks like a hairy snatch, how is this car gay?

    geeber :
    The S2000 is driven by Owen, the bi-sexual character (in both RL and in the show) of Torchwood.

    I think it’s the same color as my S2000 was.

  • avatar
    Accords

    geeber:

    Ya forgot about the Solara and the SC that both SCREAM hairdresser cars.

    Then again… most of the verts from BMW: Z3, Z4 SCREAM hairdresser. Include the SLK, CLK and SL in that pointlessness. Even though.. in the right trim, packaging and driver.. each could be a MONSTER.

    The Z3 hardtop / could be a shooting brake.. is a car Ive had naughty thoughts about.. its lines are so beautiful and its power is alluring. SO.. no woman would drive that.

    On the other hand, the Golf / Rabbit has absolutely has no power (1.8-2ltr 4cycl, non-turbo), but like the EOS, is made by a company that puts out virtually all chic cars. They don’t have power (exception to the GTI) they don’t have good looks, they do have electrical gremlins that make Jag electrical systems scared.

    If ya can remember, VW started their rollout of advertising of the Toureg / Q7 / Cayenne with a woman in a test drive with the salesguy.. in a white Toureg driving around blinded by the light. (Never mind if the vehicle had snow tires…)

    Now, the Celica and the Civic coupe both have /had the same appeal to women. I cant tell ya how many THOUSANDS of R E D, base model, auto, 2dr Civic, COUPES I’ve seen when I was in college (coupla years back) driven by hordes of hot women. Not Accord / Accord sedans / Accord Coupes, not Preludes, not RSXs, not Integras, CIVIC coupes.. in red, with the caps and the base model. Then again.. those same women drove the same color Jetta. Dark blue with the same auto and same black interior.

    Each and every car mentioned.. while being totally gutless and driven with no real goal or purpose.. is handled delicately by some really hot girls. I cant say I’ve ever come up to a Eclispe and not had some girl driving it.

    Then again.. same can be said for Mustang or Camaro in the 6cycl auto, in red, black or white.



    As for going back on topic..
    The Quattroporte isnt marketed against gay men.

    Somehow I don’t see gay guys dropping 100-120k on a uber sedan that couldn’t buy better more viscerally stunning cars. A CLK500 AMG could do more viscerally.

    And as for as trade-ins go, I just cant see gay guys trading in SLs or Phateons (looking at price comparos) for a Maser Quattro.

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