Hammer Time: Repo #2: 2009

Steven Lang
by Steven Lang
hammer time repo 2 2009

His cell phone line was dead. A disconnected phone is always the first sign that one my automotive “investments” has gone south. Number two: timing. His payment was due that afternoon. By 2:00 PM I was at the house. My car wasn’t there. Common scents told me his associate, DJ Jazzy Dumbfuck, was inside getting high. Angry rap songs blasted from inside. Knocked on the door . . . doorbell . . . knock . . . doorbell . . .

DJ emerges from his drugged stupor and staggers to the door. His eyes are barely open. Then again, maybe not. “Do you know where Darrin is?” “Um . . . no, sir.” I love it when they call me sir; a buried if totally unrealized respect for authority makes my job easier. Turns out the client had been arrested for theft. The cops led him away in handcuffs. At the nearby McDonalds. I wondered if they let him keep the toy. I knew where he worked. Yes, worked. And there it was. My car.

Unfortunately, so was his highly decorated sister. I informed the seven body piercings surrounding her face that I was repo’ing the car. The police would arrive shortly to inspect the vehicle for any stolen merchandise. She leaves immediately. Then I order the hauler.

I’ll have the police open the trunk tomorrow. If they recover someone else’s belongings, the heat will jerk his chain. Or not. Those TV guys might be able to lift a print from a discarded Tic-Tac, but real life cops are more likely to throw everything into a garbage bag.

I’ve only had two repos this year. Both were referrals. From now on, I’m going to put my faith in ageism. I won’t finance a “referral” under 25. So sue me.

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4 of 49 comments
  • Geeber Geeber on May 18, 2009
    Countryboy: A little detour here, and side note. What red-blooded guy doesn’t secretly dig a girl with multiple piercings? One who isn't in desperate need of corrective laser-vision surgery. Countryboy: IMHO, the person who suggested carrying a firearm to reposses worthless junk (stuff) should have his 2nd amendment rights revoked immediately. Except that this "junk" is not worthless - the people who have it are taking steps to avoid giving it up (i.e., by hiding it, or using force to prevent its collection). If it's really worthless, they should voluntarily surrender it (or not buy it in the first place). If they don't want to, then they can suffer the consequences. And if they need to learn that point at the wrong end of a loaded firearm, then that is their problem. Borrowers can avoid this scenario by paying their bills on time, or not buying stuff they can't afford in the first place.

  • Radimus Radimus on May 18, 2009

    I'm just going to put my two cents in about the fake gun thing too. If you don't want to carry a gun, that's fine. Then don't carry a gun. Not even a fake gun. Pulling a fake gun on a scumbag only works if the scumbag falls for it, and if it doesn't work then said scumbag can get away with killing you because he acted in self defense.

  • T-truck T-truck on May 18, 2009

    I enjoy reading Hammer Time, and must applaud you; Sir Lang for providing what sounds like in general good service for customers looking for a low cost ride. This post had me scratching my head though. Why on earth would you risk your life and that of your partner over a 1990’s Bonneville, a car that presumably sold for 2K or less? You must have had reason to question this customer and your general safety dealing with him, otherwise you would not have been armed on his door step in a crime plagued neighborhood the moment his payment was due. Just like you would hire a bomb expert if you were to find an unexploded ordnance on you sales lot, hiring a professional repo man to handle a risky repo job seems warranted.

  • Steven Lang Steven Lang on May 18, 2009

    You have a good point. Although I never carry a piece with me (have two in a safe at home) I'm going to hire a professional repo firm from now on.