Minivan Man Rocks!

Word up young and financially fortunate pistonheads: don't be dissing minivan man. I know it's easy. It's easy to glance over from your hot hatch, company Bimmer or precious Porsche, see Mr. Mom sitting-up at the wheel of his minivan stuffed with car seats and kids, and snigger. Poor bastard, you think, he doesn't have a clue about cool. I'd rather drive a white Ford Fairline than that bread van. But you're mistaken. A) There's nothing lower than a Ford Fairline, and B) Minivan Man doesn't deserve your cardescension. In fact, there with the grace of God go you.

Morphing from pistonhead into Minivan Man (MVM) is a process, like grieving. At first, when the kids arrive, proto-MVM goes into denial. He hangs-on to his/his partner's two-door, or trades the sports car for a hot two-plus-two. He assures his partner that everything will be OK; the baby will fit in the back, no sweat. (Silently thinking, it's a baby, it'll never remember.) When the new father feels the brunt of his hormone-crazed wife's rage as she tries to maneuver a squealing child into the back, when he sees his precious litte angel in that dark, windowless space; he knows he's been beaten. He gets angry. Then he gets over it.

Bargaining starts. Well, honey, we don't really need something THAT big do we? A large sedan would be just as good, wouldn't it? Maybe something with a sports suspension. You know you like to drive fast too– not that you would with baby on board, but every now and then… Hey, how about a Dodge Magnum SRT8 station wagon? And then, suddenly, he becomes aware of minivans. The ease of those sliding doors. The advantages of all that room: less struggling, less screaming, Mommy can go back there and pick up the damn bottle, infinite cup holders, etc. He gets it.

After depression, acceptance. Then, purchase and pleasure. Today's minivans really are great for kids: safe and comfortable, with lots of room for Happy Meal toys, juice boxes, bikes, groceries, soccer balls, backpacks, PSP's, friends and all that other stuff that makes parenting so expensive. The best ones even have God's gift to hassled adults: rear seat DVD's. The audio for these systems can be faded to the rear of the vehicle, giving MVM the rare chance to have an uninterrupted conversation with his partner. That's no bad thing; unless of course it is. In that case, there's enough room for your beloved to stretch-out in the back and watch Toy Story for the 46th time.

And guess what? Minivans aren't that bad to drive. The Honda Odyssey and Toyota Sienna can both outrun a glacier and handle like big sedans. Besides, anyone can drive a Porsche fast. Minivan Man has to thread his beast through traffic without spilling Sasha's Slurpee or Rachel's blue Gatorade, while telling Lola that if she touches Sarah one more time she's never going to Chuck E. Cheese again as long as she lives. And that's final.

Supposedly, the one thing denied Minivan Man is sex appeal. Most guys think women are attracted to a flash guy in a flash car. And they are. But those sunglass-wearing sports car types are the "bad boys"– the ones who break your heart in your twenties and/or fuck around with your alimony in your thirties and forties (and fifties and sixties). Minivan Man is sexy to the women he actually has a shot at, and tends to see more often than not: Mommies. I'm not suggesting that all housewives are desperate, but the ones that are look for three kinds of guys: someone young (not you), someone divorced and responsible, or someone who has as much to lose from an affair as they do. Minivan Man.

Anyway, there is life after minivan. Eventually, the kids grow up, get their own cars and leave. If Minivan Man has been prudent– and it goes with the territory– there'll be a nice little nest egg Mazda MX5 or 350Z to enjoy in those golden years. Unless your kid is smart enough to go to grad school. Then by the time you can afford a sports car, the grandkids will come along and you're straight back in big car territory. And anyway, a hard suspension and six-speed gradually becomes less desirable than a bit of class, a comfortable ride and… quiet.

So don't diss Minivan Van. The chances are he's just as crazy about cars as you. He might even have something hot and fast stashed in the garage. For the time being, he's just doing what he's got to do: driving the best vehicle for the job at hand. If you think about it, that's the exact same formula sports car drivers use to select their wheels. Now how about that?