I recently yelled at another driver. I know, I know: this is bad behavior. It’s even worse because I have a Range Rover, which makes you look like a total prick when you’re yelling at someone else on the road. Or, you could remove “when you’re yelling at someone else on the road” and that sentence would still be true.

The good news is that it’s exceptionally rare when I verbally assault someone else. The only other time I’ve done it was in Miami, where I was immediately pulled over by a police officer and cited for driving in a bike lane. I’m not sure how road rage turned into driving in a bike lane, but the officer didn’t seem keen to stand around discussing it. He did, however, rhetorically ask: “Is there an emergency, sir?” which is code for: “Are you a complete jackass, sir?”

The answer to only one of those questions is yes.

The worst part is that in both situations, the other driver was in a Chevy Uplander, which means I didn’t need to yell at them to make them feel bad. In fact, it probably only compounded the depression they were already experiencing by simply being behind the wheel.

In the most recent situation, however, I feel my anger was slightly justified. The Uplander that caught my scorn was a taxi that cut from the right turn lane to the left turn lane, stopping at an angle that blocked the through lane. Which leads me to my point: taxi drivers are absolutely awful.

Taxi Driver Woes

Of course, the poor quality of taxi drivers is already one of life’s universal truths, just like Westboro Baptist Church picketing things like the arrival of summer, or scientific studies that discover virtually every food item causes cancer, or Lincoln’s comeback, which – based on yesterday’s article – is very obvious to everyone, as long as they’re me. But just to be sure we’re all on the same page about taxi drivers, allow me to share some of my recent observations.

One: taxi drivers can, and do, stop wherever they wish. This includes two-lane roads, driveways, and interstate highways, unless they’re being hailed by a racial minority.

Two: taxis don’t have to be up to the same standards as the vehicles driven by the rest of us. This means that loose-fitting Wal-Mart hubcaps are far more common than working turn signals. Or seat belts.

Three: even though every single taxi driver has an ear-mounted Bluetooth device, they drive as if they’re composing haikus using a Palm Pilot with a stylus.

Indeed, we all agree that taxi drivers are awful. But I’ve recently identified one group that’s even worse: car sharers.

Car Sharing Woes

ZipCar is the largest car sharing company in the US. It’s located in all major US cities, and also Pittsburgh. And not one person who uses it can drive.

Basically, ZipCar works like this: you don’t own a car because you’re either a broke college student or one of the few Americans who actually uses public transit. (In other words: a liberal. Or someone who lives in the Northeast. In other words: a liberal.) But you recognize that you occasionally need a car to do things, like visit a friend’s house to watch Jon Stewart. So you pay a monthly fee for ZipCar, which gives you on-demand access to a fleet of cars parked all around your city. Then, you can “check out” a car, much like you’d “check out” a DVD from Netflix. (And you return it with just as many scratches.)

The primary reason ZipCar’s drivers are the worst is obvious: they don’t drive very often. Since they’re not behind the wheel more than once every few days, or every few weeks, they fall out of practice with things like checking blind spots, or stopping at stop signs, or stopping at all. Fortunately, ZipCar doesn’t have any Chevy Uplanders, so I probably won’t be provoked into any fits of rage.

But there are two more reasons ZipCar drivers are the worst. One is that ZipCar covers fuel. That’s right: this is a rental car company that pays for the gas. Like me, you’re probably thinking “drag strip.” Or maybe even “track day.” But the coolest thing ZipCar has is an automatic BMW 328i, presumably with damaged suspension and gouged tires. Still, even if you don’t go a track day, free gas means there’s absolutely no benefit to driving in any manner besides foot to the floor.

The craziest part, however, is that ZipCar also pays for insurance. There’s a small deductible, of course, but ZipCar carries the policy. In other words, ZipCar provides free insurance to occasional drivers in unfamiliar vehicles who are going as fast as possible because they get free gas.

This, ladies and gentlemen, makes them worse than taxi drivers. Even taxi drivers in Chevy Uplanders.

Doug DeMuro operates PlaysWithCars.com. He’s owned an E63 AMG wagon, road-tripped across the US in a Lotus without air conditioning, and posted a six-minute lap time on the Circuit de Monaco in a rented Ford Fiesta. One year after becoming Porsche Cars North America’s youngest manager, he quit to become a writer. His parents are very disappointed.

Zipcar, the leading player in car sharing in North America, is about to be acquired by Avis Budget Group for $500 million in cash. The rental car firm will pay $12.25 per share, a whopping 49 percent premium relative to Zipcar’s closing price on December 31st.

Rivals like Hertz and Car2Go, a Daimler-backed car sharing service are slowly expanding into urban areas in the United States and Canada, looking to establish a presence in markets where Zipcar is already an established player. Zipcar is on the verge of 1 million subscribers in North America, and rolled out innovative new services, like a by-the-hour cargo van service. The firm’s financials are starting to even out as well, after years of less-than-solid profitability. From a mobility standpoint, car sharing has a lot to gain given Generation Y’s apprehensive attitude regarding car ownership. In my hometown, Zipcar is a popular alternative for young people who still need a car for trips to Ikea or the grocery store but are unwilling – or more often unable – to deal with the annoyances of parking, insurance and fuel prices in a city that is increasingly hostile to motorists.

Being asked “what car should I buy?” occurs on a weekly basis for me, but I’d rather field that question every day than listen to the recieved wisdom of a magazine racer just once more in my life. The most recent inquiry came from my Uncle Maurice, a kind and generous man who provided my brother and me with a near bottomless supply of Swiss Army knives when we were children.

Maurice owns the second worst car I’ve ever driven, a 2005 Buick Century. The Century is a relic of the bad years of GM when everybody was utterly indifferent to making a a quality vehicle. This example may be the best Buick Century ever; Maurice’s father-in-law was the previous owner and kept it in immaculate condition. Unfortunately, it drives like a stereotypical Buick, and the 3.1L V6 is somehow underpowered and horribly thirsty. Maurice recently emailed me, saying that he want to replace the Century with an American sedan that has a peerless ride, spacious rear seating and an easy ingress/egress for my Aunt. Naturally, I refereed him to Sajeev, who suggested a nearly-new Town Car Signature L. Needless to say, I cannot wait to head down to Florida this year and waft down the streets of Miami, while the bass-heavy music of Rick Ross rattles the Kleenex boxes and adjustable-back baseball hats mounted on the parcel shelf.

Which brings me to the worst vehicle I’ve ever driven; a 2011 Nissan Sentra. The Sentra belonged to Zipcar, a car sharing service that I have a membership with (paid for myself, not comped, if any integrity-minders want to know). I was stuck without a car recently and had to make a doctor’s appointment. With construction on the main areterial road, the already infrequent bus service would be even slower, and I didn’t feel like being crammed in with the other rides in that state. I fired up my Zipcar membership and got the cheapest car that was located within walking distance. At $9 per hour, it was a no brainer compared to the $13.50 per hour Mini Cooper they also had.

I’d used the Mini before, when it was winter time, the roads were freshly salted, and I didn’t want to drive my pristine, rust-free Miata. The Mini was an absolute hoot to drive, despite being low on power, and the lessons I learned at Tim O’Neil’s rally school could be put to work. The Sentra, on the other hand, was an utterly dismal drive.

With 21,000 miles on it, the Sentra didn’t feel rough or abused. It just wasn’t a good car. Any life that the QR20DE 2.0L4-cylinder had was immediately sapped by the poky CVT gearbox. The CVT, to its credit, didn’t display the typical “motorboat” behavior, and was good at keeping the revs suitably low around town – but that’s about it. Turns taken at moderate speed exhibited massive body roll, and the comically high driving position made me feel like I was sitting on a piece of playground apparatus.

At $18,878 plus $1,300 for the optional CVT gearbox, the Sentra is hardly the cheapest compact out there, not the most generously equipped. The $20,178 sticker also included $135 for the “Blueberry” paint, which was actually an attractive shade of Navy. There are so many good choices in all segments of the used car market that’s it’s pretty hard to buy a bad car, unless you really look hard. This is one of those instances. If you want something fun to drive, there’s the Ford Focus and the Mazda3. If you want something Korean that looks upscale, the Chevrolet Cruze and Hyundai Elantra are there for you, while the Kia Rio does a great imitation of a SEAT Ibiza from 5 years ago. All-wheel drive? The Subaru Impreza. Basic transportation? The Honda Civic, Volkswagen Jetta and Toyota Corolla are all vying for your money. Even Alex Dykes would recommend the Versa, the cheapest new car on sale today, over the Sentra.

Yes, I know these cars have their flaws, like exploding automatic gearboxes on the Focus. My point is that the quality differential between modern cars has largely disappeared to the point where differences in product are incremental and quality is largely equal (at the expense of character, which is a whole other discussion).  But every now and then, you find something that is unreservedly at the back of the pack, hopelessly out of date and a reminder that while modern cars may be considered dull and uniform, they have come so far in just a few short years.

And on that note, I leave you with a classic bit from Louis C.K. that explains it better than I ever could.