Chrysler Suicide Watch

Chrysler Suicide Watch 20: Cerberus Bares Its Teeth

By Frank Williams
August 9, 2007 -

When Daimler gave sold Chrysler to Cerberus, it seemed as if things were looking up for the beleaguered automaker. With a return to American ownership, they no longer had internal factions gunning for each other. Cerberus spoke highly about Chrysler's leadership; they would take a "hands off" approach to running their automotive acquisition. They offered union leaders assurance: we're in it for the long run. No need to worry about "strip and flip." And then Cerberus announced that Robert Nardelli would take over the reins. Ladies and gentlemen, the three-headed dog is finally baring its teeth.

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Posted in Chrysler Suicide Watch | Editorials | Unions | 48 comments

Chrysler Suicide Watch 19: Imperial Remnant

By Justin Berkowitz
July 26, 2007 -

Last week, Chrysler announced they’d cancelled plans to build their super-sized 300, the Imperial sedan. Company Spinmeister David Elshoff cited new, more stringent EPA mileage and emissions regulations and added a moral spin: given the “current climate,” bringing the Imperial to production would have been "irresponsible." Regardless of the need to conform to political correctness and regulations yet to be enacted, the “poor man’s Phantom” had few friends in the punditry biz. (The word ugly featured prominently in their analysis.) And yet, deep-sixing the Imperial was a big mistake. 

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Posted in Chrysler Suicide Watch | Editorials | 59 comments

Chrysler Suicide Watch 18: Chrysler Pops Its Chery

By William C Montgomery
July 10, 2007 -

Do ya have a hankerin’ for a cheap small car that can’t be satisfied by an offering from Korea, Japan, Europe or the good ‘ole US of A? Me neither. But Chrysler’s CEO thinks you-- or someone-- does. On July Fourth (no less), Tom LaSorda finally inked a deal with China’s Chery Automobile Company. As early as 2009, Chrysler could be offering Dodge-branded, Chery-manufactured subcompacts in the US and Europe. Target price: $7k. Too good to be true? You bet it is.

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Posted in Chrysler Suicide Watch | Editorials | 61 comments

Chrysler Suicide Watch 17: Party ‘Til They Drop

By Frank Williams
July 5, 2007 -

Earlier this week, the European Union rubber-stamped the DaimlerChrysler divorce. So that's it. Later this financial quarter, prefix and suffix will go their separate ways and Cerberus Capital Management will marry the battered bride. Overlooking the fact that Chryslerberus will soon be importing Chinese-built cars for their U.S. customers, the automaker plans a nationwide dealer party for the born-again "all-American company." With all that has-- and hasn't-- happened to Chrysler of late you have to wonder exactly what and why they're celebrating.

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Posted in Chrysler Suicide Watch | Editorials | 47 comments

Chrysler Suicide Watch 16: Cerberus’ Master Plan?

By Robert Farago
June 20, 2007 -

So that's it: deal done. Yesterday, federal regulators cleared DaimlerChrysler's suffix sale to Cerberus Capital Management. In the absence of any immediate change to the status quo, the United Auto Workers (UAW) and the Canadian Auto Workers (CAW) couldn't be happier with their new overlords. Chrysler dealers have also met with the new bosses and sworn their fealty. So it's one big happy family, all pulling together for their mutual health and happiness. And if you believe that, I've got some Ford stock I'd like to sell.

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Posted in Chrysler Suicide Watch | Editorials | 69 comments

Chrysler Suicide Watch 15: Does Cerberus’ Chrysler Purchase Portend a New Paradigm?

By Frank Williams
May 14, 2007 -

In Greek mythology, Cerberus guarded the gates of Hades. Anyone who challenged the three-headed dog was ripped to shreds. In American business, the Cerberus private equity group guards the investment firm’s cash. Unlike the mythical canine, they don’t wait for foolish interlopers. They seek out struggling companies and rip them to shreds-- sorry, “turn them around.” For reasons yet to be revealed, the United Auto Workers (UAW) have welcomed today’s announcement that Cerberus has purchased Chrysler from its German overlords. Is someone about to teach an old dog some new tricks?  

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Posted in Chrysler Suicide Watch | Editorials | 65 comments

Chrysler Suicide Watch 14: Tom LaSorda: From Zero to Hero and Back

By Frank Williams
May 8, 2007 -

In Greek mythology, Heracles performed twelve tasks set by King Eurystheus. Any one of these tasks would have finished off a mere mortal, but the dynamic demigod persisted, prevailed and finished the job. Of course, ol' Herc only had to do things like slay the Nemean Lion, kill the Stymphalian Birds, obtain the Girdle of Hippolyte and capture Cerberus the guardian dog of Hades (not to be confused with Cerberus the guardian dog of GMAC). I mean, it's not like he had to do something really hard, like save the Chrysler Group. That's the one task that could have turned our hero back into a zero. Just ask Chief Executive Officer (CEO) and President of Chrysler Group, Tom LaSorda.

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Posted in Chrysler Suicide Watch | Editorials | 39 comments

Chrysler Suicide Watch 13: Inappropriate Force

By Thomas Minzenmay
May 3, 2007 -

In the Phantom Menace, Anakin Skywalker stands in front of the Jedi Council. Master Yoda senses that Skywalker’s fear of losing his mother is clouding his mind. “Fear is the path to the dark side,” Yoda pronounces. “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” And there you have it: the story of the merger between Daimler-Benz and the Chrysler Corporation. Witnessing much suffering, we are.

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Posted in Chrysler Suicide Watch | Editorials | 31 comments

Chrysler Suicide Watch 12: Give Me Liberty or…

By William C Montgomery
April 12, 2007 -

Once upon a time, a loafer-wearing businessman buried the front end of his rented Oldsmobile in a dune on the barren southwestern point of Galveston Island. I retrieved my Jeep Liberty and drove it to the Olds across a sea of tidal dunes carved into the coast like three foot swells; the Liberty loped from crest to crest in a spray of sand. Within minutes, I dug out enough of the Olds’ front bumper to affix a strap and pull the trapped car onto smooth packed beach. So how does this Jeep lover rate the prospects for the new 2008 Jeep Liberty? D.O.A.

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Posted in Chrysler Suicide Watch | Editorials | 42 comments

Chrysler Suicide Watch 11: Captain Kirk Beams Down

By Frank Williams
April 10, 2007 -

At last week's DaimlerChrysler stockholder meeting, a man named Ekkehard Wenger stepped up to the microphone and said his piece. "For nine years you have been sitting on this scrapheap called Chrysler. Nobody has learned anything. To call this a sale is a euphemism. If you pay for the garbage man to empty the dustbin, does that mean you have sold something to the garbage man?" While calling Chrysler a "scrapheap" is a bit harsh-- the American automaker supported Mercedes for several years when the Germans were losing money-- one wonders how Kirk Kerkorian feels about being called a garbage man.

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Posted in Chrysler Suicide Watch | Editorials | 44 comments