Chrysler Suicide Watch

Chrysler Suicide Watch 29: The Early Attempts, Pt. 1

By Paul Niedermeyer
December 27, 2007 - 27,797 views

Suicidal tendencies can be pathological, inevitably recurring. Chrysler’s current self-destructive phase, as chronicled by TTAC, is hardly its first. From its very beginnings, the patient has suffered from symptoms of bi-polar syndrome. Chrysler’s biography is a nothing less than a roller coaster ride of giddy highs punctuated by disastrous crashes and self mutilation.

Chrysler Suicide Watch 29: The Early Attempts, Pt. 1 editorial continued »

Posted in Chrysler Suicide Watch | Editorials | 22 comments

Chrysler Suicide Watch 28: The End of the Beginning of the End

By Robert Farago
December 21, 2007 - 43,001 views

"Are we bankrupt? Technically, no. Operationally, yes. The only thing that keeps us from going into bankruptcy is the $10 billion investors entrusted us with." Another milestone: Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli used the “b word’ in public. What’s more, Boot ‘em Bob told the Wall Street Journal (WSJ) that he’s on a leash so short he can feel the hot breath of his Cerberusian owners tickling his neck hairs. Why’s that then? Because all Hell's about to break loose.

Chrysler Suicide Watch 28: The End of the Beginning of the End editorial continued »

Posted in Chrysler Suicide Watch | Editorials | 53 comments

Chrysler Suicide Watch 27: What’s Next

By Robert Farago
October 23, 2007 - 21,634 views

How in the world did the United Auto Workers (UAW) boss Ron Gettelfinger think he could get his Chrysler members to ratify their proposed contract without providing job guarantees? Did he seriously believe a $3k signing bonus would convince his otherwise carrot-less union brothers and sisters to surrender their right to graduate into cushy “non core” jobs? Or was Gettelfinger blindsided by his own ego; figuring he could yell “roll over” and “play dead” at 45k well-paid autoworkers and make it so? Either way, the question must be asked: what the Hell is going on?

Chrysler Suicide Watch 27: What’s Next editorial continued »

Posted in Chrysler Suicide Watch | Editorials | 34 comments

Chrysler Suicide Watch 26: Connect the Dots

By Frank Williams
October 18, 2007 - 19,249 views

Kids love to play connect the dots. When the dots are numbered sequentially (with a few outlining details thrown in to keep 'em focused), it's easy to do. When the numbers are missing, it's hard to see anything more than random points on a page. And so it is with Chrysler, an American automaker that's generated enough bloggable news during the last six months to keep Google News-alerted surfers away from their designated job for hours at a time. Even though only Chrysler's new owners know their real game plan, there's been enough new "dots" to form a recognizable pattern. What it reveals is a company on the cusp of a major revolution.

Chrysler Suicide Watch 26: Connect the Dots editorial continued »

Posted in Chrysler Suicide Watch | Editorials | 27 comments

Chrysler Suicide Watch 25: Dickless Porn

By Robert Farago
October 11, 2007 - 19,471 views

It’s true. The United Auto Workers (UAW) six hour strike against Chrysler was nothing more than a bit of empty posturing, some meaningless moaning and a quick and unsatisfying climax. Oh I’m sure the union bosses are basking in the warm afterglow of successful pattern bargaining; safe in the knowledge that Chrysler will render unto Caesar the same plunderiffic health care deal as GM, as they look fordward to their next payout. And Chrysler’s new masters must also be happy with the deal. (Ipso facto.) But anyone who’d hoped that someone in Detroit would have the balls to finally shaft the UAW has been left high and dry.

Chrysler Suicide Watch 25: Dickless Porn editorial continued »

Posted in Chrysler Suicide Watch | Editorials | 25 comments

Chrysler Suicide Watch 24: Now What?

By Andrew Dederer
September 20, 2007 - 21,000 views

Since Cerberus removed Chrysler from German control, the crisis corporation’s modus operandi appears to remain unchanged. Other than some relatively minor dealer antagonism (since smoothed over), there’s been none of the slash-and-burn stylings formerly attributed to ex-Home Depot CEO Bob Nardelli and his new, private equity employers. Perhaps a companywide excrement - fan collision awaits the conclusion of United Auto Workers negotiations. Meanwhile, Chrysler better start getting its you-know-what together on the product front, ‘cause the cupboard is almost completely bare.  

Chrysler Suicide Watch 24: Now What? editorial continued »

Posted in Chrysler Suicide Watch | Editorials | 38 comments

Chrysler Suicide Watch 23: Dealer’s Choice?

By Justin Berkowitz
August 27, 2007 - 24,684 views

Poor-quality car dealers. You know the score: dodgy facilities, salesmen you wouldn't trust with your pet rock, F&I guys who nickel and dime your paycheck into oblivion and service departments for whom "bilk" isn't just a word- it's a way of life. Industry analysts and desk-chair pundits alike condemn many (if not most) auto dealerships as a cancer on the industry. Believe it or not, car manufacturers share your distaste. Hence the reason the newly excised Chrysler LLC flashed its private equity muscles, threatening to close "underperforming" dealerships. Is that legal? 

Chrysler Suicide Watch 23: Dealer’s Choice? editorial continued »

Posted in Chrysler Suicide Watch | Editorials | 45 comments

Chrysler Suicide Watch 22: A Tangled Web

By Frank Williams
August 21, 2007 - 27,301 views

Aside from select Jeeps, Chrysler's sales suck. Given this inescapable fact, you'd think that the hard-pressed born-again domestic automaker would do everything in its power to keep the folks on the American front lines happy. After the sales bank debacle, after brazen "channel stuffing" (forcing dealers to take cars), after barring "under performing" Chrysler dealers from the company's life-sustaining used car auctions, after sending these dealers letters threatening to shut them down, you'd think Chrysler's corporate clowns would have run out of ways to alienate the troops. Wait! Here's a new one: exclude some dealers from the corporate Internet sales funnel. Way.

Chrysler Suicide Watch 22: A Tangled Web editorial continued »

Posted in Chrysler Suicide Watch | Editorials | 64 comments

Chrysler Suicide Watch 21: Slash and Burn for Strip and Flip

By Michael Martineck
August 11, 2007 - 18,711 views

As top executive for a large manufacturing enterprise, Bob Nardelli was a tremendous success. As the man in charge of a gigantic retail business, not so much. Like any automaker, Chrysler’s survival depends on both its ability to manufacture class-leading products AND get its dealers to provide class-leading customer service. So, as Nardelli takes Chrysler’s helm, the question must be asked: is he half the man he needs to be? The answer is Six Sigma.

Chrysler Suicide Watch 21: Slash and Burn for Strip and Flip editorial continued »

Posted in Chrysler Suicide Watch | Editorials | 38 comments

Chrysler Suicide Watch 20: Cerberus Bares Its Teeth

By Frank Williams
August 9, 2007 - 22,235 views

When Daimler gave sold Chrysler to Cerberus, it seemed as if things were looking up for the beleaguered automaker. With a return to American ownership, they no longer had internal factions gunning for each other. Cerberus spoke highly about Chrysler's leadership; they would take a "hands off" approach to running their automotive acquisition. They offered union leaders assurance: we're in it for the long run. No need to worry about "strip and flip." And then Cerberus announced that Robert Nardelli would take over the reins. Ladies and gentlemen, the three-headed dog is finally baring its teeth.

Chrysler Suicide Watch 20: Cerberus Bares Its Teeth editorial continued »

Posted in Chrysler Suicide Watch | Editorials | Unions | 48 comments