Yee-Haw Y'all: It's Time for LeMons Texas

Listen up you sucks: The 24 Hours of LeMons hits the Sugar Land Road Course in Angleton Texas this Saturday and Sunday, October 18-19. That’s right, dozens of teams will be hauling their $500 hoopties from all over the Southwest to compete for several hundred pounds of nickels. Confused? To quote founder Jay Lamm, “LeMons race cars display gangrenous rust scabs, rattle-can paint jobs, flatulent engines, and other aesthetically unpleasant features. We thus advise all Texans of a sensitive nature to avoid MSR Houston, a racetrack just south of Houston in Angleton TX, between Friday, 17 October and Monday, 20 October.” You got it: he used “thus” in a sentence. More on point me and Murilee Martin will be making our triumphant return as Supreme Court LeMons Judges. In other words, if you cheat (and neglect to bribe us) we’re going to hit you with a lot more than our rubber Mallets spray-painted to look like gavels. Just what exactly? Jump and find out!

Texas, as you may well know, is home to our current President George W. Bush. Having suffered through eight years of his nonsense you can rest assured that us two left-coast pinko ivory tower Maoists will be extracting some modicum of revenge on the good racers of Texas. After all, Murilee and I are nothing more than progressive (and vindictive) Bay Area politics and Hebraic good looks. Life is not fair — just look at your 401k statements! What do we have in mind? Well, last time we made ’em eat pig brains. However, we’re worried that, “Jewish Judge Forces Good Old Boy to Eat the Book of Revelations, Pray Towards Mecca” might be more of a national headline than an automotive one. So we’re dialing it back — a little.

The devious Mrs. Martin has cooked up the Ozzy Osbourne Inertial Penalty Horn. That’s right — if you get out of line you’ll have two Malaise Era Jaguar horns going off against your helmet every time your car moves. We’re also going to have access to an honest to goodness Pikes Peak winning EVO IV. And a paintball gun. You heard me right — put another car in the dirt and we’re coming after you! Then of course there’s the I’m-saving-it-for-race-day Barrack Obama Penalty. Trust me, it’s change you can believe in. And these are just the ones we’ve cooked up so far. Just wait until our mandatory pre-race drinking binge — I mean skull sessions — with the boys that actually run LeMons! You’ve been warned — see you at the race!