By Mike Solowiow
April 11, 2008
Mr. Mehta, and Mr. Lieberman,
I fear not your V8olvo, nor your red-benecked Lincoln, as I have ditched my Audi 4000 quattro beater (due to many eaten axles, a blown head gasket, and more electrical issues than British Leyland) for something truly unholy. For $0, yes, zero dinero, I have scored a full-on, 260bhp (stock!) 1991 Audi V8 quattro. A car so legendary, that it was banned from the IMSA GTO and German DTM series. Come to think of it, quattro has been banned from rallying, IMSA, DTM and probably the real LeMans in the future… from what has yours been banned for "unfair advantage" recently?
Vorsprung durch technik uber alles!
Sincerely,
Captain Mike Solowiow
Future LeMons Champion
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POWERED
April 11th, 2008 at 11:15 am
Oh dear God.
How on earth did you find one?
April 11th, 2008 at 11:37 am
I know the lightweight Quattro coupe was banned…but did Audi really campaign the portly V8 in ANY racing series?
And you guys thought Sajeev’s Lincoln was overweight….jeez! Hope the Lemons Laws allow for new brake rotors every 12 hours…
April 11th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Stripping a fox body LSC to the bare minimum will net 3000lbs or less on the scales…but a 4dr yacht with AWD, DOHC V8, etc for a LeMons car?
Bring it on!
April 11th, 2008 at 11:48 am
@ doctorv8,
Audi developed the Audi V8 quattro for the German DTM series of racing. They won the title in 1990 and 1991. The car was then banned for having an unfair advantage.
@ Sajeev,
The car weighs right now about 3600lbs… stripping it will yield a car weighing about 2800lbs, maybe… if I can find the Tresser carbon fibre hood and trunk…
But I now have six-pack abs, so that gives me a 20lb advantage over the Lincoln pilot!
April 11th, 2008 at 11:49 am
I don’t know about banned, but I think the old “flathead” turbo Volvo 242 may have been asked to leave one of the European or Australian touring car series once it started stealing the BMW 6 series’ lunch money.
Is that close enough to the V8lvo?
by the way, I’ve always wanted to try a V8 conversion in a Volvo, but have yet to do it. From what I hear, the cars have a bit of a habit of rejecting the donor organ.
-Matt
April 11th, 2008 at 11:50 am
I’m sorry, not “flathead…” flathood.
-Matt
April 11th, 2008 at 11:50 am
The Audi V8 won the German Touring Car Championship (DTM) in 1990 and 1991. I saw them race once. They were fantastic.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Audi_V8
As for the Volvos, when they started winning everything in Group A competition, BMW and Mercedes packed up and went home.
April 11th, 2008 at 11:56 am
That’s it! Thanks. There is a little bit of cool Group A footage on YouTube showing a 242 owning a Bimmer.
The announcer is hilarious. He says something like, “the turbo kicks in….and he drives away from the BMW.”
-Matt
April 11th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
You found one . . . and you’re going to expend it in a junker race?
April 11th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Mike Solowiow : 2800lbs, maybe… if I can find the Tresser carbon fibre hood and trunk…
yeah and I’d be at 2600 if I ditched the Lincoln’s metal grille, bumpers, etc. Who knows, maybe I’ll replace the bumpers with sheetmetal stock and do just that.
But you’re gonna find carbon a fiber hood/trunk in your $500 budget? The LeMons organizers will buy your car from under you if you can afford exotic materials like that.
April 11th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
@ Sajeev,
Who says I didn’t already get them for free? I have Audi connections that make the Illuminati jealous.
That said, it is a bit of a porker… but it has quattro, and zeitgeist, and me at the helm. You are finished. Give up now. Abandon all hope. You will be assimilated.
April 11th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Wouldn’t putting a carbon fiber hood/trunk on a 1991 Audi V8 quattro be like buying an engagement ring for a cheap hooker? Besides I hear GM LSx engine transplants in RX7s are more bang for the buck.
April 11th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Great, corporate sponsorship will now ruin LeMons. What’s next?
April 11th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Who says I didn’t already get them for free? I have Audi connections that make the Illuminati jealous.
Don’t they base the $500 cost on personal appraisal, then penalize people laps if they think they went over?
That way I can’t do some smoke-filled room deal where a friend “gives” me a beat-up 1989 Corvette for $1 or something?
April 11th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Capt, not to be a wet blanket, but that might be a tough sell to the powers that be.
From the LeMons site:
BSF Factor: To prevent cheating, all cars will be inspected by a panel appointed by the organizers. At that time, all teams will be given an opportunity to describe the car’s purchase and prep. If the panel believes the limit set out in Rule 4.1 has been exceeded, it will assign a Bullshit Factor (BSF) equal to one BSF per ten dollars above the limit. The entry will be docked one lap for each BSF assigned. (Ten dollars = one BSF = one lap.) Entrants are encouraged to bring all supporting evidence and make up plausible-sounding stories in advance.
How many BSF laps are those Audi connections worth to you? :)
April 11th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
lol
Ok, it’s cero dinero or better yet gratis… en fin, cero rollo
Even without CF hood/trunk there are 3 simple facts:
European Car
AWD
V8 260HP
You’ll screw all the people in that track. Good luck
April 11th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Slightly off topic, but does anybody know where I can find a list of this years competitors and their planned hoopty?
I keep seeing references to the Lincoln, but I missed seeing anything boaut the actual vehicle itself.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
OFF TOPIC INFO FOLLOWS.
I really hate the name V8olvo since there just isn’t any good way to say it out loud.
I propose the Lemons racer currently known as V8olvo hereinafter be referred to as one of the following:
Vochovo
Ochovol
Vocholvo
That is all.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
The brake system on that car is a bit odd if I recall.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
@ Sajeev,
I’m ready and willing to quibble. I didn’t get an international law degree for nothing! I will even argue with them in German/Russian/Spanish if need be!
P.S. I think I’m looking at a lot of BSF laps… but I’m just doing this for the fun.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Capt. Mike: Good luck with that too. From the site:
“Appeal of BSF Panel Decisions:
Get real. There’s no appealing this decision. You’re boned.”
April 11th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
BabyM:
“You found one . . . and you’re going to expend it in a junker race?”
That’s what I said! I’ve got a V8 Quattro in my personal fantasy garage!
You are one sick man, Solowiow
April 11th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Hey Sajeev,
I have a cammed C6Z06 I’ll sell you for a buck-fitty. Interested?
April 11th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Why would you need a hood or a trunk?
Sounds like a bunch of extra weight to me.
Oh, and AWD? In an endurance race where cars have a tenancy to bump into things? Especially around the front wheels?
Insert Evil Laughter.
V8olvo will conquer all.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Way to stick to your guns Jonny. The Volvo will hold up better than a Sherman tank, as long as it’s transplanted Ford heart keeps beating.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
durailer:
Not to give anything away, but better than a Sherman Tank.
Much, much better. Though, admittedly, for the 7 laps that Solowiow’s Audi doesn’t have a busted tie rod/knuckle, it will look good in 5th place.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
5th place? He’ll be starting dead last, behind 30 laps when the carbon-fiber BSF penalties kick in!
April 11th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Jonny: I hope your driving skills are as mad as you’ve led us to believe, because the 240 isn’t exactly confidence-inspiring at normal speeds; though I have to say, they’re surprisingly predictable at their limits.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
durailer:
I’m good enough and the team is well stocked with ringers, but…
Calling the V8olvo a “240″ is like calling Bruce Wayne a regular guy.
April 11th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Jonny: you’re right… I can’t say V8olvo will be surprisingly predictable at its limits, but it definitely will be surprising.
April 11th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
@ durailer,
as surprising as a Volvo exploding Ford engine parts all over Southern Califonia?
April 11th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
@ Mike
can’t say, but as much as I’d like to see a Volvo knock the pants off of sportier marques (and exploding Fords for that matter), I complement you on your rare find… a real thoroughbred.
April 11th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Solowiow:
Your puny words have no effect on Team Black Metal V8olvo.
Though, you would be wise to mark my words:
“Eran metal är mjäkig”
As for unexpected surprises, we choose to think different:
http://jalopnik.com/365014/move-aside-lemons-teams-evil-genius-on-board
April 11th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Jesus Jonny, you don’t actually plan to roll that thing over, are ya?
Quit playing around and get to work on stiffening your suspension.
April 11th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
durailer:
Obviously, you do not know Dr. Evil.
April 11th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
I really hate the name V8olvo since there just isn’t any good way to say it out loud.
Veightolvo? That almost rolls off the tongue…Oy Vey, Tolvo!