Last Rides: The Compilation Album

Crabspirits
by Crabspirits

A couple of years back, as I sat at my desk having another existential episode with one of Murilee’s Finds loaded up on my monitor.

Junkyards have been something that have always fascinated me from an archaeological standpoint, even as a young lad. Many are more than just discarded automobiles. Often, you’re looking at the story of somebody’s life frozen in time, a bug in the amber.

I gazed at that mundane ’77 Plymouth, and then tossed out an intentionally absurd, yet profound, comment into cyberspace — sort of an internet version of “Hold my beer, and watch this.” Nobody really noticed, so I subsequently polished my sickness “craft” until people did.

This satirical drivel became an amusing device for laughs for me, but alas, the sunset has come to my column here.

The latest tale happens to be not counting entire stories lost to internet anomalies, random hypotheticals, and responses to Baruthian rants. In the beginning, my flash-fiction tales from the crypt would pop up in the comment section. If I was lucky and hit the post button within a few hours after the article dropped, a few people would actually read it. It also makes going back to find them rather difficult. So, before I roll the odometer over with my final act, here are the direct links to the complete Crab Collection.

1. Disrespected (1977 plymouth volare)


2. Scout Haiku (1971 International Scout)


3. Neighbors (1980 Mercedes-Benz 450sl)


4. Lost in Spacewagon (1989 Toyota Corolla Alltrac-wagon)


5. Throttled Luxury (1988 Volvo 780 Bertone)


6. Looking For a Good Home (1980 Toyota Corolla Tercel)


7. New Horizons In the PNW (1971 Volvo 142)


8. Mom’s Memento (1973 Datsun 240z)


9. One With The Lord (1980 Datsun 720 King Cab)


10. Unemployable (1995 Range Rover)


11. An Aerio Of Apathy (2004 Suzuki Aerio)


12. Grampa (1980 Chrysler Cordoba)


13. Vermin (1978 Mercedes-benz 300d)


14. Ce La Vida (1988 Toyota Tercel ez)


15. Petroleum (1991 Dodge Colt Vista 4wd)


16. Night Patron (1992 Dodge Shadow America)


17. Fast Eddie (1953 Chrysler New Yorker)


18. Grim Prospects (1983 Dodge Rampage Prospector)


19. Mechanic Disowned (1976 Ford Ltd Country Squire)


20. Surf’s Up (1979 Volkswagen Dasher Diesel)


21. Sub-mini Truckin’ (1990 Geo Metro-amino pickup)


22. Alec (1984 Chrysler New Yorker)


23. Enjoying the Twilight (1986 Bertone X1/9)


24. Times Are A-changin’ (1992 Chrysler Imperial)


25. Dat Grille Be Sweet Doe (1996 Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham)


26. Grecian Delight (1992 Geo Metro lsi convertible)


27. The Cost Of Ownership (1998 Cadillac Catera)


28. Lost In The Amazon (1962 Volvo 122s)


29. Like A Bad Habit (1985 Buick Skyhawk wagon)


30. The Hobbyist (1979 MGB)


31. First Car (1993 Honda Del Sol)


32. Mental Health (1972 Pontiac Catalina)


33. Fleetwise (1996 Oldsmobile Silhouette)


34. Betty (1982 Datsun Maxima)


35. The Key (1973 Buick Riviera)


36. Fiberglass Allure (1985 Chevrolet Corvette)


37. I Learned Something Today (1969 Austin 1800 Landcrab)


38. Make San Francisco Beautiful (1984 Toyota van)


39. The Handler (1991 Alfa Romeo 164S)


40. Sarge (1985 Renault Encore)


41. Seeing Red (1989 Oldsmobile Cutlass Cruiser)


42. Naked And All Leone (1978 Subaru Leone 4wd wagon)


43. Gone Fishin’ (1967 Plymouth Valiant)


44. Thrashin’ (1977 Datsun 810 station wagon)


45. No Me Gusta (1978 Ford Fiesta)


46. Estoy Enfermado (1984 Chevrolet Chevette CS diesel)


47. Disney’s World (1981 Datsun 510 liftback)


48. Cinnamon and Sugar (1982 Cadillac Cimarron)


49. Kids (1986 Maserati Biturbo Spyder)


50. Bernice (1986 Nissan Maxima)


51. This Job Is NOT Cool (1974 AM General FJ8A ice cream truck)


52. Diamond In Da Back (1975 Cadillac Coupe De Ville)


53. Lil’ Brats (1982 Subaru Brat)


54. Punishment (1981 Dodge Aries station wagon)


55. Christmas ’82 (1965 Chevrolet Bel Air)


56. Ray (1985 Chrysler Laser XE)


57. Seeing Yellow (1986 Pontiac Fiero)


58. Insecurity (2000 Pontiac Grand Am GT)


59. The Devize (2003 Pontiac Aztek)


60. Mr Fix-it (1981 Mercury Grand Marquis)


61. Dim Horizons (1973 Ford Maverick sedan)


62. Tray Of the Ashes (1986 Peugeot 505 S)


63. Westflamia (1981 Volkswagen Vanagon Westfalia camper Type P22)


64. Chopsticks (1979 Plymouth Champ Twin Stick)


65. Starry-Eyed (1990 Toyota Cressida)


66. Losing A Friend (1994 Isuzu Amigo)


67. Luv You Dad (1979 Chevrolet Luv Mikado)


68. Running The Numbers (1976 Ford Courier)


69. Why Don’t You Take A Picture? (1990 Geo Metro lsi convertible)


70. Ungiftable (1988 Pontiac Lemans)


71. Sweatbox (1973 Volkswagen LT28)


72. Camping On the Edge Of Oblivion (1972 Ford Econoline 300 camper van)


73. Alternate ending to “Times Are A-changin'” (1991 Chrysler Imperial)


74. Post Dramatic Distress Syndrome (1965 Ford Thunderbird Landau)


75. Grading On A Curve (1982 Toyota Land Cruiser)


76. Somebody Has To Own It (1989 Merkur Scorpio Touring Edition)


77. “Slappnnutts95 has left” (1972 Plymouth Valiant sedan)


78. Bad Trip (1993 Ford Probe)


79. Road And Trash (2000 Dodge Intrepid R/T)


80. Dawn Of Youth (1984 Mazda B2000 Sundowner)


81. Lunch Break (1991 Toyota Tercel coupe)


82. Giselle (1981 Datsun 200sx coupe)


83. Taking Notes (1973 Volvo 145 station wagon)


84. You’re The Problem (1990 Chevrolet Cavalier Z24)


85. Missed Connections (1986 Volkswagen Quantum GL5 sedan)


86. Flat Brims, Fast Slides (2006 Mitsubishi Eclipse)


87. Vapor (1984 Toyota Corolla hatchback)


88. These Colors Don’t Run Anymore (1989 Oldsmobile 98 Regency)


89. A Tip Of The Hat (1974 Cadillac Fleetwood)


90. Phone Manners (1997 Lexus LS400 Coach Edition)


91. He Just Stopped Liking It (2000 Lincoln LS)


92. Disillusion Of Grandeur (2004 Dodge Stratus R/T coupe)

Premium Selects

93. Last Rides: Special Deluxe Edition (Murilee’s 1941 Plymouth Special Deluxe) (Go here for pics and story)


94. Sub-Human Kia (2004 Kia Sedona minivan)


95. All XUsed Up (2004 GMC Envoy XUV)


96. You Goin’ Nowhere (1989 Yugo GVL)


97. Getting The Boot (2005 Chrysler 300C)


98. Winded (2003 Ford Windstar)


99. Naru (1987 Nissan 300zx 2+2)

Crabspirits
Crabspirits

More by Crabspirits

Comments
Join the conversation
2 of 42 comments
  • Rpn453 Rpn453 on May 01, 2016

    Thanks for the stories and the compilation. I'll read them all again.

  • Cbrworm Cbrworm on May 03, 2016

    Your stories have always been one of my bright spots on this site. Thanks for the great reading. As for which were my favorites, the longer the story, the better for me. Always amazed by the obscure details.

  • ToolGuy Once again my home did not catch on fire and my fire extinguisher(s) stayed in the closet, unused. I guess I threw my money away on fire extinguishers.(And by fire extinguishers I mean nuclear missiles.)
  • Carson D The UAW has succeeded in organizing a US VW plant before. There's a reason they don't teach history in the schools any longer. People wouldn't make the same mistakes.
  • B-BodyBuick84 Mitsubishi Pajero Sport of course, a 7 seater, 2.4 turbo-diesel I4 BOF SUV with Super-Select 4WD, centre and rear locking diffs standard of course.
  • Corey Lewis Think how dated this 80s design was by 1995!
  • Tassos Jong-iL Communist America Rises!
Next