It's Time For My Christmas List

Now it can be told: Perhaps the most cringe-worthy moment of my life was my own “Affluenza” episode, otherwise known as “The Time I Wrote A Poem About Not Getting A BMW 2002 For Christmas.”

I was eighteen years old and busy failing to fulfill my potential at university. I was already on my second car, the infamous Red Marquis, having unceremoniously crashed my 200SX on my first unsupervised day as a temporary-license holder. During one of our brief telephone conversations that fall, my father asked me some questions about “old BMWs,” with particular focus on the 2002. My fevered imagination had grasped that straw and run with it until I was honestly surprised to get two sweaters and a couple of shirts on the blessed morning of the 25th.

I went back to school early so I could mope in private and write a poem about it, the worst couplets of which I’ve retrieved from memory for your amusement:

The gift that I had expected to view

We can draw the curtain on this, I think, because at this point I’d really like to get in a time machine and slap myself across the face for that. Why I thought my father would buy me a third car to celebrate the series of non-accomplishments that had blighted my first semester away at a school for which he was paying the entire tab … Jesus. Sorry, Dad. The worst part of it was that I insisted on doing a dramatic reading of the whole thing for this gorgeous little brunette I knew, and that I stood up with absolute seriousness and bellowed each line as if I was performing a close reading of The Waste Land. Sorry for that, Deidre. No wonder it didn’t work out.

Let’s get to my Christmas list for this year. The chances of me getting anything on this list, which is addressed to the automobile and motorcycle manufacturers out there, are about the same as my actual chances of receiving a pale blue, round-light 2002 back in 1989. But now as then I suffer for a sort of impudent optimism that tells me of the possibilities to be grasped if we will each but stand up and ask for our heart’s desire. So, as Eugene Henderson once said: I want, I want, I WANT!

A lime-green turbocharged Civic Si, making at least 250 horsepower and featuring a six-speed manual transmission. I don’t think there should be a problem making this happen. Every year there’s some wacky color on the Civic Si. The past few years it’s been the orange that I associate with my old friends at Compass360 Racing. Why not use lime green instead? If they build it, I will buy one. I don’t mean that in the Jalopnik commenter sense of “I’ll totally buy one of those once they fetch $2,999 at the local buy-here pay-here, assuming my parents pay off my student loan debt and I win the lottery.” I mean that I’ll put a deposit down when it’s announced and then I’ll show up with the rest of the money when the car arrives. Simple as that. Make sure the car is appropriately lime green. Get it done, Honda.

Corvette Grand Sport. The standard Corvette is one of the most brilliantly conceived and executed vehicles I’ve ever had the pleasure of driving. The Corvette Z06… well, it’s very fast in certain conditions. Clearly, the C7 is calling out for the Grand Sport treatment. It could be a riff on the C6 Grand Sport, with the wider tires and functional aero of the Z06 coupled to the basic LT1 engine, or it could be a more exciting throwback to the C4-GS with a special version of the NA motor tuned for more power and more drama. You can’t tell me that the LS7 cannot be resurrected for this application. Maybe it could be tuned even further. Don’t forget to bring back the sharky vents, too. Poof! The best Corvette ever.

Charger Hellcat with manual transmission. What’s stopping this from being built? No stick-shift center console in the existing inventory? FCA won’t sell too many of them, but the people who will buy them will be enthusiastic and devoted ambassadors for the brand. This is another car which would significantly raise my purchase enthusiasm. With the Hellcat run being perennially sold-out as is, I can’t imagine this one will ever get built. The aftermarket will do it eventually, I suppose.

A Porsche Speedster that adheres to the original tradition. Remember the original 356 Speedster? It was meant to be a true entry into Porsche ownership that preserved the dynamic qualities of its betters while offering little in the way of comfort. The 911 Carrera Speedster of the ’80s, by contrast, was a remarkably crass lash-up that looked like a developmentally-handicapped toad and served primarily as an announcement of wealth acquisition that was both staggering and staggeringly recent. Let’s not do that again. Instead, let’s have a 718 variant that comes just one way, in just a few colors, for some outrageous price like, oh, $39,999. It doesn’t need a lot of motor. Doesn’t need a lot of wheel and tire. Vinyl interior, no fuss. Six-speed manual. Four-speaker stereo. Make it a car that young upwardly-mobile singles can afford. You know, the kind of kids who buy a G35 or 328i right now. Announce that it’s a loss-leader financed by sales of Panameras or something. Create a new generation of Porsche loyalists that has no ties to oil money or overseas stock exchanges.

The return of the Camry hatchback. Come on. You know it would be cool. A nice long liftback terminating in a discreet Kamm flip. All the versatility of a Saab with none of the flakiness. Obviously, it’s best served as an XSE V-6 manual, but I know that particular combination isn’t available right now. Still, if they did it, I will waive my consulting fee for suggesting the name: Camry SR5. Or SR6, maybe. If Honda wants to beat Toyota to the punch, it would be simple. Crosstour-ish body, standard ride height, dump the SUV styling cues.

Mustang Super Bullitt. Dark Highland Green Mustang fastback with GT350 engine but none of the handling stuff. Just a bad-ass street warrior with no track pretensions. Every. Single. One. Would. Sell. Immediately. Make the automatic optional if you don’t mind.

A full revamp of the Kawasaki Concours C-14 with the full ZX-14R mill. This one’s personal, too. I want a ZX-14R but I’d also like to take some pressure off my oft-snapped wrists and arms. Cruise control, 208 horsepower, a nice comfy seat, large fuel tank. Something to ride across the country at triple-digit speeds.

My last Christmas wish has nothing to do with cars. It’s the wish that every member of the Best & Brightest would take a few minutes to choose American-made clothing, appliances, industrial goods, and tools in the upcoming year. If you’re reading this from within the states and territories of the USA, then it’s simple patriotism and economic sense for you to buy American. If you’re one of those foreigner types, then consider it a great way to express your gratitude for keeping you out from under the thumb of Hitler or Tojo or Brezhnev. If you’re a member of ISIS, then for the love of G-d please consider taking that plumber’s contact information off your new truck. That’s all, folks!