In a world where Cadillac makes a “V-sport” knockoff version of its own CTS-V that still has over 400 horsepower and can actually out-accelerate its own depreciation, to say nothing of the new BMW 328i, which will have that name because it will have 3 cylinders and 28psi of boost, it seems impossible to even consider the idea that there used to be cars that looked fast but went slow. With super-exciting sport packages or fun fender flares or even giant spoilers but absolutely positively no ability to accelerate supplied as standard. But it’s true. We called it “more bark than bite”. The English used to say “all mouth no trousers”, a fun term that could also describe a great white shark, or Lena Dunham.
Some of the names that will forever ring with honor in the Hall Of Test-Drive Disappointment include: Eurosport. Cobalt SS Sedan Naturally Aspirated. Camaro Sport Coupe. Camaro Berlinetta. Camaro Type LT. And those are just the Chevrolets. Mostly just the Camaros, really. But when the underachievers (and the Achievas) of the sporting-car world meet in the a parking garage to fight to the death for the Prize, there can be only one. The Prize, by the way, is a K&N “Filtercharger”.
My vote for the car that best combines a bad-ass appearance with a weak-ass drivetrain is shown above. The 1984 Celica GT-S featured the aggressive fender flares and wheel package from the Supra along with modified bowtie taillights that were smoked for extra sex appeal and hidden headlamps. In black, the car was positively menacing. And with 105 horsepower, up from the Celica ST model’s 105 horsepower (no, wait, that’s the same) it ripped through the 0-60 mark in just 11.8 seconds on the way to an 18.3-second quarter-mile time. Anybody who lined up for the stoplight Grand Prix against one of these monsters in a Mercedes 240D or Rabbit Diesel would be well-advised to back off; anybody else, including drivers of the aforementioned Celebrity Eurosport V-6, could be confident of dusting it.
But don’t let your innate desire to please me, the Zombie McQuestionbot, change your mind to the obviously correct choice of the Celica GT-S. Place your vote below!