As Detroit’s own police force tells tourists that the city is too dangerous to enter and local judges use the city’s financial collapse to interview for jobs in the District of Columbia, many of its residents would surely like something a little more bullet-resistant than, say, a Chevy Sonic purchased at supplier discount. Many of Detroit’s residents have previously worked in quieter, safer locales like Kandahar or Kosovo and remember that the proper vehicle for such an environment is a nice, solid, low-mileage main battle tank. But where can such items be purchased? And where can newly-minted tank owners learn the skills they’ll need to operate yesterday’s armored equipment on tomorrow’s streets?
The answer is here, and it’s called Tank Town USA!
Blue Ridge, GA is the town of Tank Town USA. They’ll teach you to drive a tank and let you crush cars with it. That will be handy when you’re trying to get through those tough commutes from your mostly-razed downtown DTW area to the General Motors American Engineering Center of America where they design the American-market bumpers for next year’s Daewoos. You’ll learn all about operating treaded vehicles. For most Detroiters, who are currently driving Luminas with no tread on the tires, this will be an education indeed! Best of all, you’ll learn to make full-speed shots on running human targets at distances up to half a mile, cleanly separating torso from hips with a depleted-uranium SLAP round and spraying neighborhood kittens, baby rabbits, and assorted turkey vultures with a velocity-aerosolized mist of hot blood.
I have to admit that the website doesn’t mention anything about that last part, but I really, really hope that you can learn how to do that stuff.
What are you waiting for? A picture of some sort of female on a tank? Well, my good man, wait no longer!
Head on down to Tank Town USA now!
Official Hipper-Than-Thou Internet Car Blog Disclaimer: Tank Town USA wanted us to drive a tank and kill people with it so badly that they put up a website featuring photos of tanks knowing that we’d follow the link over from a completely useless discussion about the “AG/AU bump” on ZeroHedge.