By on April 1, 2013

While snapping shots of the new Chevrolet SS at the end of the show on Thursday, TTAC’s NYIAS crew was approached by General Motors vice president Mark Reuss. “You guys are always trying to make GM look bad,” he growled, his two personal assistants standing behind him and positively radiating menace, “but I’m going to show you that you can’t stop the largest car company in the world from making great product for great customers. Come with me.”

We didn’t have much choice, but after being given an industry exclusive on the biggest product reveal to not make news at the show, we’re glad we followed him down that dark corridor.

There, sitting alone and forlorn in a distant corner of one of the Jacob Javits Center’s loading docks, was a fierce-looking version of the new Chevrolet Impala. Slammed to the ground, with heavy negative camber and monstrous carbon-ceramic brakes peeking from behind the Corvette-ZR1-sourced lace wheels, the Impala really looked like it was worthy of the name Impala, as opposed to the current Impala, which could have been truthfully been called the “Biscayne Extra Suck Edition”.

“If we hadn’t been able to get the SS past the EPA and DOT this year, we’d have done this project instead,” Reuss noted. “But since ninety percent of the SS platform is shared with the G8, type approval was actually easy as pie. Which left this Impala SS with nowhere to go. What you’re looking at is the development mule for the XTS-V.”

“XTS-V?”

“Absolutely. Specs run like this. Transverse LS7 with lower redline to preserve the carryover 6T70. We’re targeting an announced power level of 470 or so horsepower. Possibly a torque bump if we decide to use the Camaro cam.”

“The LS7 fits in the Epsilon II?”

“OF COURSE IT DOES!” Reuss laughed. “What, you think we’re so stupid we don’t bother to make sure we can put our marquee engines into our marquee brand? Did you really think we were going to leave the XTS with the same shitty six-cylinder we put in the LaCrosse? Why would anybody buy an XTS if we did that, given the price difference? Of course, the XTS has a longer wheelbase coming, because obviously it won’t cut it for livery duty with the rear seat room we have now. It’s possible we’ll use the LS3 in a livery LWB XTS for late 2014 as well.”

Scheduled to appear before the new CTS in showrooms, the XTS-V will likely circle the fabled ‘Ring in under eight minutes and twenty seconds, thus setting a new record for FWD luxury sedans over 3,850 pounds. Paddle shifters and stitched Alcantara will complete the interior for a truly premium experience, while the CUE system will be augmented with something that Reuss told us “you’d better not fucking call ‘Track Apps’, Ford owns that.”

The XTS-V will be priced about where the old STS-V was, but in our brief convo, Reuss told us he wasn’t concerned about market penetration. “Listen, it’s been proven again and again that you can sell Cadillacs for big money. Look at the Allante, the XLR, the STS-V itself. We’ll be head to head with the M5 on this, the same way we were were head-to-head with the M3 on CTS-V and we’ll be head-to-head with the 1M with the ATS-V that I’m supposed to pretend isn’t already running laps at Milford.”

In a rare moment of candor, Reuss admitted that the XTS-V has already won Motor Trend’s Car of the Year award. “We don’t have a production-line XTS-V running yet, but luckily for us we draft all our advertising checks as, ahem, one-offs, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.”

An exclusive press event for the nation’s biggest auto journalists will be held at the Stelvio Pass in approximately sixty days, with long-term loaners being distributed shortly afterwards. Our requests to participate in either program were met with the terse response “Fuck off,” and a follow-up suggestion for a week with an XTS-V press car were met with the terse response, “I already told you to fuck off, don’t make me tell you with these two fists.” The advertising campaign will be built around the concept of “Torque Can Steer You Anywhere You Want To Go,” and will feature, according to GM press flack A. T. Tappmann, “some black golfer who isn’t Tiger Woods, probably.”

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35 Comments on “Confirmed: XTS-V To Arrive In June As Early 2014 Model...”


  • avatar
    Thinkin...

    Nice. Though I was really looking forward to the announcement of a 30th anniversary edition Fiero.

  • avatar
    RayH

    I want this to be real.

    • 0 avatar

      It is. GM has no choice but to keep the V-series evolving.. It’s their greatest advertising campaign.

      This car is gonna be great, albeit ridiculously pricey.

      An SRT8 loaded is less than an AWD XTS with CUE.

      • 0 avatar
        mcs

        “This car is gonna be great, albeit ridiculously pricey.”

        No problem. My uncle is the deposed leader of the secret Nigerian auto factory producing the car. In return for your financial assistance with shipping costs, he will present you with several of these fine automobiles upon their arrival in America. He requests that you send a check to his internet cafe in Lagos. Pleas leave the amount blank as he is unsure about the final costs of shipping.

    • 0 avatar
      Michael500

      One thing that is real about this article: TTAC doesn’t make GM look bad, GM does that. Look at the new SS and Camaro.

  • avatar
    sgtyukon

    What day is today?

  • avatar
    swilliams41

    You had me going until the part about the black golfer who isn’t Tiger. I figured they would really get Tiger. Redemption is a good sell, for Tiger and for Cadillac. Again, is this real???

  • avatar
    Spartan

    I’ll admit it, they at least got me to click before I could realize what was going on.

  • avatar
    Tomifobia

    Glad I own a calendar

  • avatar
    sportyaccordy

    Would have been better if you had announced the ATS-V would only come as a manual diesel wagon in Press Core Fetish Metallic Brown. Maybe next year.

  • avatar
    Windy

    I loved the April Fools Road tests the buff books did back the in the 60s and 70s… the best things they did actually … remember the Cyclops?

  • avatar
    DenverMike

    Amazing car, but stupid business model. I’m not looking to lap the Nurburgring in less than 8 1/2 minutes, but it would be nice to have regular GM 5.3 V8, with say 360 HP so when I park my dusty pickup and take my luxury car out, I don’t feel like I stepped down in class when I hear it start to when I step on the gas. It’s not about HP or 0-60, but the feeling of quality if not ‘substance’ that you don’t get with anything but.

    • 0 avatar
      Easton

      There’s a certain level of brand cache in offering a V-8 engine, even if it’s rated hp and torque could easily be surpassed by a turbo V-6. No V-6 has the same sound, smoothness, or premium feel of a slow-revving 8-pot. I think Cadillac and Lincoln have really missed the boat by not offering mid-range V-8 engines.

  • avatar
    grzydj

    The nomenclature checks out, as X is for experimental, much like the XP-75 was an experimental aircraft.

  • avatar
    Type57SC

    Depressingly, you had me going for the first seven paragraphs.

  • avatar
    Spartan

    For what it’s worth, the XTS should have kept the DTS name and at least had a V8 option. I saw no reason to call this the XTS.

  • avatar
    mnm4ever

    This is a Mark Reuss I would respect.

  • avatar
    thegamper

    I am on my game today. It hit me right after I read the headline. Good one though.

  • avatar
    OneAlpha

    High-powered, FWD-based all-wheel-drive systems always struck me as conceptual losers, regardless of actual performance.

    All that power being bent into a question mark. Inspired.

  • avatar
    jco

    i really believed that there would be a FWD LS7 cadillac. har.

  • avatar
    Domestic Hearse

    And now, it’s time to hand the keys to the XTS-V over to TTAC’s tame racing driver. Some say…

    He no longer has a man-crush on Bob Lutz and is now starting to comb his hair like Mark Rue…

    What?

    It’s what?

    The first day of when?

    Oh. Never mind. Sorry.

  • avatar
    swilliams41

    Lets see, take the SS and tweak the chassis, graft a Caddy front and rear fascia on it, put in the appropriate engine, redo the dash and give us an inspired interior, great materials everywhere, price it at 55-75k. what you have is the car the XTS should have been. I would buy it today, again a Caddy that competes with the other LUX flagships with American value, gravitas and bravado. Hell, do a V version a year later at 80-90k and watch them fly off the showrooms. Alas, I can dream….. Bob Lutz, where are you????

  • avatar
    nadude

    Jack and company—I like this April 1 post–a lot. I do have a good news item on this which in fact is close to the story—the XTS will get the 3.6L Twin Turbo in AWD form soon–rated at around 410 hp–which while we would not call it a V–for thermal track capability reasons–it will be very fast and fun. This is the same ultra dense power config as the announced CTS which is 118 hp/L. The team did a great job on it. Thx mark

    • 0 avatar
      wmba

      Well, if you won’t tell ‘em, I will, Mark. The Chinese/Airport limo lwb XTS VI.VI will have the Duramax 6.6l diesel and Allison transmission, a GM world exclusive. 397hp and 765 torques. You wanted low end power? You got it, son. In rip-roaring spades. Dan

    • 0 avatar
      Type57SC

      It’s nice to see a sense of humor at the top.

      p.s. please save the CTS wagon! I loved the long-hood look front and less scratch-prone interior of the new CTS, but was let down by the back (not an issue for a wagon). A current gen CTS wagon was a close second on my last purchase.

  • avatar

    I thought we agreed to no more fiction, Jack

  • avatar

    “In a rare moment of candor, Reuss admitted that the XTS-V has already won Motor Trend’s Car of the Year award.”

    Funny, though.

  • avatar
    cargogh

    Nice story, Jack.
    For a moment I had visions of that tall narrow body drifting flatly around an S-curve in a cloud of screaming smoke.

  • avatar
    CoreyDL

    The picture makes it look like it’s on fire, but in a very specific place.

  • avatar
    doug-g

    Leave it to Jack to write a story and have everyone wondering if it is true or an April Fool’s joke.

    I have a friend who is an ER doc, and this is what I know: I think the XTS-V is just an off-shoot of a major marketing move that Cadillac is about to announce. Cadillac is stuffing a V8 into the XTS, upgrading the chassis, handling, etc and is going to make a major push for the return of car-based ambulances and emergency vehicles. My friend has been invited to two focus groups on the west coast and “reveal” in Chicago. Cadillac’s argument is that in those “golden first minutes” speed is vital; the cab-chassis vans are cumbersome and slow. A fast, properly handling vehicle can make the difference between life and death. This was always an important, high-visibility market for Cadillac and they want it back. My guess is that since most of the development money has been spent, it only makes sense to put out a civilian model and reap a few more sales.

  • avatar
    AFX

    “”You guys are always trying to make GM look bad,” he growled, his two personal assistants standing behind him and positively radiating menace, “but I’m going to show you that you can’t stop the largest car company in the world from making great product for great customers. Come with me.””

    Mark Reuss then leads Jack out to the back of the building near an abandoned warehouse. Just then two Jersey goombahs with gold chains pull up in their IROC Camaros wielding baseball bats. Reuss yells to one of them “Vinnie, hand me that @$%&ing bat, I’m gonna show this prick what it’s like to crack wise with me and %&$# with GM !”.

    (At that point Mr Reuss recreates the final scenes of the movie Casino by beating Jack into a semi-pulp, until he looks like Beetle Bailey after Sarge gets through with him)

    Reuss and his goombahs then grab whats left of Jack, opens up the trunk of the Cadillac XTS-V, and throws Jack in. Before he closes the trunk lid Reuss says to Jack “How do you like the trunk space in the new XTS-V Jack ?. We had you in mind when we created it “. Reuss then slams the trunk lid shut on Jack, and jumps in the Caddy. Reuss then fires up the Caddy, nails the gas, and yells at Jack in the trunk “How do like the power of the new LS7 Jack ?. 470 horsepower means we’ll have you in Jersey in no time “. The Caddy then rolls down the highway headed for New Jersey.

    As they’re rolling along Reuss swerves the car a few times to dodge the potholes along the way and yells back to Jack again “What do you think of the handling of this new V-series Jack ?. This sonofabitch has got that magnetic ride control, handles like a Corvette and still rides like a Caddy !”.

    The Caddy then pulls into it’s destination, a Jersey landfill. Reuss and his two goombahs get out of the Caddy, open the trunk, and pull out what’s left of poor Jack. They then proceed to drag Jack to an empty corner of the landfill and stand him upright next to a stack of low rolling resistance tires from a Chevy Volt. They then proceed to place the tires over Jack’s head one by one and stack them up over him. Reuss then says to Jack “Sorry things had to work out this way for ya Jack, but that’s what happens when you run your mouth and make The Company look bad “.”Just wanted to let you know this whole thing with the tires wasn’t my idea, it was Lutz’s, he wants to know what you think your carbon footprint will be like now ?!”. Mark then lets out a hearty laugh, the two goombahs stand back, and Reuss strikes the match.

  • avatar
    28-Cars-Later

    “The LS7 fits in the Epsilon II?” “OF COURSE IT DOES!” Reuss laughed. “What, you think we’re so stupid we don’t bother to make sure we can put our marquee engines into our marquee brand?

    I’m glad there are people of intelligence such as Mr. Reuss and others at RenCen because I would 100% believe GM would generally speaking be as stupid as he inferred. While were talking transverse V8s, this is the same company who widened W-body to accept the LS4 (IIRC) and mated it to a transmission which was NEVER designed to accept more than roughly 240lb-ft (if you look at the production history of the 4T60/65 Es). How many torque converters should a car go through in a lifetime? One every 30K or so? Ok thanks guys… of course on the flip side the extra room makes it easier for this shadetree mechanic to wrench his 3800, so it wasn’t all that bad.

    “Did you really think we were going to leave the XTS with the same shitty six-cylinder we put in the LaCrosse?”

    Mr. Reuss if you’re reading this and assuming Baruth didn’t invent this story in a drunken haze, what percentage of Cadillac cars sold in 2012/13 DON’T have the “shitty six cylinder”, or the shitty four cylinder for that matter? I’m going to guess less than 10%. If you want to impress us, offer a standard V8 in all of your car models save Alpha from here on out… and while you’re at it issue a public apology either for the “CTS Coupe” name/styling/entire concept or the Northstar V8, take your pick.

  • avatar
    PrincipalDan

    I would have believed this story if it was a twin turbo 3.6 V6 with AWD. That is within the realm of possibility.


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