And Then There Was Four

Jack Baruth
by Jack Baruth

Now turn your hymnals, as the great man once said, to Number Four, and we’ll sing two choruses of Withering Contempt.

There’s a point in many human endeavors where the original point of said endeavor is completely lost to history and what remains is either deconstruction or parody.

Forty years ago, BMW decided to create a coherent model-naming system, no doubt because they were starting to bump into Mercedes-Benz in certain markets and Mercedes had consistent numbers on the back of their cars. (Yes, I know about the 300SEL 4.5, hush up.) Enter the “5 Series”, followed by a Six, a Three, and a Seven. The picture you see above is of a 3 Series.

Note how the 3 Series has two doors, not four. In fact, they all had two doors for quite some time. It wasn’t until the E30 successor that a four-door 3 Series even became available. Despite this, somehow an idea took root in the minds of (primarily American) Bimmer enthusiasts that “even numbers are coupes”. The arrival of the 850i confirmed this misguided notion.

Well, when the legend becomes fact, print the legend. BMW’s efforts to fill every niche in the market from urban scooter to seven-seater minivan-on-stilts led to the (il)logical conclusion that a two-door 3 Series needed to be a 4 Series.

So. The original 3 Series body style is now a 4 Series. The 3 Series is now a four-door. However, there will be a four-door 3-Series that will be called the 4-Series Gran Coupe. Every niche will be filled, by force if necessary, and without regard for the company’s heritage. Those of us who snickered at the Chrysler Fifth Avenue that was really a Chrysler LeBaron that was really a Plymouth Volare from behind the ironclad Autobahn majesty of Dad’s 733i and it’s twin-kidney grille have a full Christmas dinner’s worth of crow to eat.

I suppose this means the M3 will be the M4. This makes sense because the M4 rifle is kind of an M16 for girls (cue e-mail from a 6’5″ Marine with 91 confirmed kills using one) and the M4 will probably be a tamer, more eco-conscious successor to the outbound V-8 M3. No word as to whether four-door M4s will be M3s or M4GCs.

At least it’s reasonably attractive, right? And it isn’t like it will have much genuine competition in the marketplace. Just be aware that this isn’t really the successor to the BMW 2002 lionized by Mr. David E. Davis, Jr. in his famous Car and Driver piece; it’s the successor to the lumbering, expensive Thunderbirds around which the original wonder-Bimmer drove circles.

Jack Baruth
Jack Baruth

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  • PrincipalDan PrincipalDan on Dec 07, 2012

    And when model bloat catches up with the 1 series in a decade will they introduce a new model line under that called the 0.5 series?

  • Vaujot Vaujot on Dec 09, 2012

    I have a hard time getting upset about a proposed change in naming conventions. The demise of BMW's small inline sixes is a different story.

  • Lorenzo The original 4-Runner, by its very name, promised something different in the future. What happened?
  • Lorenzo At my age, excitement is dangerous. one thing to note: the older models being displayed are more stylish than their current versions, and the old Subaru Forester looks more utilitarian than the current version. I thought the annual model change was dead.
  • Lorenzo Well, it was never an off-roader, much less a military vehicle, so let the people with too much money play make believe.
  • EBFlex The best gift would have been a huge bonfire of all the fak mustangs in inventory and shutting down the factory that makes them.Heck, nobody would even have to risk life and limb starting the fire, just park em close together and wait for the super environmentally friendly EV fire to commence.
  • Varezhka Of all the countries to complain about WTO rules violation, especially that related to battery business…
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