Tales From The Cooler: Prius Dethrones Cadillac. In The Left Lane

Brock Yates called them “members of the Anti-Destination League.” You and I have our own pet names for the folks who dawdle along in the fast lane, oblivious to those around them.

I have recently deduced that the auto-demographics of Left Lane Blockers has shifted. Over the past 30 years, no automobile has come close to the most common clogger: the Cadillac. Was the traditional Caddy owner taught to drive in the left lane as teen? Does owning the “Standard of the World” give you some entitlement to annoy your fellow man? Whatever the reason, I am here to announce that the Cadillac’s reign is over. All hail the new King of the Left Lane Realm:

The Toyota Prius.

Here in Los Angeles, smug little liberal Prius owners fly in formation below the speed limit in the fast lane, as the rest of us zoom around them on the right. I don’t even know what a driver’s door looks like on a Prius. Some of them have forgotten that – in a rare moment of sanity by the California DMV – that their Hybrid/ HOV lane privileges were canceled last year. Yet there they are, still glued to the left guardrail, waiting for the car pool lane 22 miles ahead. Ultimately I think their behavior is motivated by their mindset: “I own a Prius and I drive slow to save the planet and, by God, so should you.”

There is no more joyous occasion than to see a LLB get a flat tire and pull onto the median in heavy traffic and be stuck there until help arrives. I have seen many a Caddy in this fix and look forward to my first such Prius sighting. I plan to pull over in my 14-mpg SUV and when they walk up to thank me for stopping, I will zoom off yelling, “Sorry, the wife called. There’s a desert tortoise in the backyard, and them’s some good eatin!”

I realize there may be some geographical variances to the Prius phenomenon. In Phoenix, the beige Buick Le Sabre is a strong contender. I have been blocked by hubcapless Subarus in Colorado. But Toyota’s answer to the Nash Rambler rocks the left lane everywhere. My fellow Southern Californians may argue that the rash of 1990s tiny Toyota pickups piloted by illegal aliens holds the crown, but this measurement is for American Drivers only, my contest, my rules.

Here is my new ranking of the Top 5 Left Lane Blockers:

1. Toyota Priuses

So which cars are blocking the fast lane on your highways?

The man behind “Virgil Hilts” has been working “in the industry” for most of his life. He still does.