Perhaps This Shiny Free IPad Will Distract You From The Realization That You Have Just Purchased A Cadillac XTS For Reasons Known Only To Yourself

Jack Baruth
by Jack Baruth

I’m no Jen Friel, but it’s nice to know that I can influence the auto industry in some small degree. Case in point: Just two days after I suggest that Cadillac reclaim and reauthenticate its heritage by placing one of GM’s world-class V-8 engines in every ATS built, Cadillac has announced that they will be putting a V-8 in the new XTS flagship.

No, wait. I’m reading this wrong.

Turns out they are just throwing in a “free” iPad.

You know, like Hyundai did a couple years back.

Yup.

Standard of the World.

Autoblog uncritically “reports” that, although Hyundai may have had this idea first, Cadillac is, like, totes different with it.

Cadillac dealer [will be] required to have two “certified technology experts” on duty, plus a CUE call center for owners, an online media team looks for CUE questions to answer, and a mobile CUE specialist who makes house calls

This reminds me of that time I bought two Phaetons and was assured that my local VW dealer had a “Phaeton specialist” on site at all times. I think his name was Arthur, but it could have been Archaeopteryx for all I freakin’ knew because the guy was extinct before I actually took delivery. For the next four years at semi-monthly intervals, I listened to a remarkable variety of mouth-breathing morons in dirty coveralls express varying degrees of wonder at things like the “Infotainment” system, the auto-closing doors, and the fact that there are such things as “cars” on this planet that use “wheels” and “tires” to travel on “roads”.

Expect the “CUE Specialists” to be the two lowest-performing salespeople in the dealerships and/or the two least valuable people in the service department. They’ll be sent to “CUE school”, they will ignore everything they’re told, and they will be fired in the near future for using a stack of new tires for a potty when the service-department bathroom toilet breaks. Back to Autoblog:

The point seems to be that this isn’t about getting an iPad with your car,

Because Hyundai already did that, and provided a semi-proper, full-sized, RWD, V-8 powered sedan to go along with it.

it’s about understanding ever tech thing your car can do.

Because the average buyer of this car, who is too old and feeble to properly operate an Etch-A-Sketch, has been dying to play some Angry Birds on his owner’s manual.

If you still don’t know how to access the full power of your XTS, it will only be because you don’t want to.

Oh, I suspect XTS owners will be “accessing the full power” of this hopeless sled every time the road curves slightly upwards. No need to worry about that.

In the meantime, expect the XTS to become extremely popular with the demographic of customers whose hobbies include golf, televised sports, and breaking into Cadillacs to steal iPads.

Jack Baruth
Jack Baruth

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  • Fromes Fromes on May 10, 2012

    I fail to see who would by this car over a Buick Lacrosse or Chevy Impala..

    • See 1 previous
    • Bunkie Bunkie on May 10, 2012

      And that's exactly what it is, a failure on your part. There is a market for this car and I predict that it will be a success within that market. Just because you are not part of that market doesn't change that fact.

  • Bd2 Bd2 on May 10, 2012

    This being TTAC, I expect an anti-GM/Cadillac position, but this is really stretching it when it comes to attacking GM. So Cadillac is offering an iPad with the XTS which Hyundai had previously done with the Equus - WHO CARES!! Yeah, maybe GM should have made the FWD the flagship Buick instead of a Cadillac, but at this juncture, the XTS is a "one-off" stop-gap measure - serving as a transition model until the other Cadillac products make their way thru the pipeline (right now, there are no plans for a 2nd generation XTS). And even if TTAC wants to harp on the FWD XTS, I don't see TTAC giving the same sort of treatment to the BEST-selling Lexus sedan, a "warmed-over" CAMRY-based model known as the ES, much less the entire Lincoln lineup. Unlike Lincoln, Cadillac in a few years will have a pretty complete lineup of RWD sedans - the entry ATS, the larger and more luxurious CTS and (just recently confirmed by Car & Driver) a RWD fastback-styled sedan that will likely pave the way for the XTS being discontinued (as a Cadillac anyway). http://blog.caranddriver.com/cadillacs-omega-platform-comes-into-focus-rwd-xts-successor-on-the-way-long-rumored-flagship-and-more-derivatives-still-being-discussed/ With the likelihood of another Omega-based vehicle slated to be the "flagship" of the Cadillac fleet. Compare this to what Ford is doing with Lincoln or Honda with Acura - but this being TTAC, we'll see more diatribes on GM than on the "warmed over" Fords and Hondas masquerading as luxury models. But nah, we're not going to hear about these developments for Cadillac on TTAC.

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    • Bd2 Bd2 on May 10, 2012

      @Jack Baruth While I can't speak for the older reviews, the most recent review of the Lexus ES, while referencing the ES-Camry connection, is much LESS snarkier in tone than the recent articles about Cadillac and the XTS. In his review of the outgoing ES, Alex Dykes actually points out something against the Lexus ES detractors. -- People that dislike the ES or the Lexus brand usually resort to one phrase: “It’s just a fancy Toyota.” The ES350 shares essentially NO touch-points or sheetmetal with the Camry (unlike the Lincoln MKZ and Ford Fusion), but they do share a drivetrain. -- http://www.thetruthaboutcars.com/2012/03/review-2012-lexus-es350/ And this doesn't sound like "snark" to me; in fact, it sounds like quite the opposite). -- "As the ES’s sales record has proved, I’m NOT ALONE in LIKING what many UNFAIRLY call a gilded Camry." -- And the "snark" directed at Cadillac is not just about the XTS, but in general. Cadillac will have the RWD ATS and in about 16 months, a larger and more luxurious CTS to be followed with an Omega-based RWD sedan (with plans for an even higher-end Omega based sedan or other body-type likely being greenlit). I don't care for the XTS either, but I don't think it's that difficult to give Cadillac some sort of pass for it being a stop-gap measure until the rest of its RWD lineup makes its way thru the pipeline. Fine, "snark" at the XTS, but in this and in other posts, you have been snarking at Cadillac as a whole; at the very least while snarking at the XTS, you could have mentioned the more exciting products that Cadillac is about to launch or has in the pipeline.

  • EBFlex China can F right off.
  • MrIcky And tbh, this is why I don't mind a little subsidization of our battery industry. If the American or at least free trade companies don't get some sort of good start, they'll never be able to float long enough to become competitive.
  • SCE to AUX Does the WTO have any teeth? Seems like countries just flail it at each other like a soft rubber stick for internal political purposes.
  • Peter You know we’ve entered the age of self driving vehicles When KIAs go from being stolen to rolling away by themselves.
  • Analoggrotto TTAC is full of drug addicts with short memories. Just beside this article is another very beautiful article about how the EV9 was internationally voted by a renowned board of automotive experts who are no doubt highly educated, wealthy and affluent; the best vehicle in entire world. That's planet earth for you numbskulls. Let me repeat: the best vehicle in the world is the Kia EV9. Voted, and sealed, and if you try to deny it Fanny Willis is ready to prosecute you; but she will send her boyfriend instead because she is busy.
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