AutoWeek Is About To Make Me Rich With This Lawsuit Settlement, And Rightly So

Jack Baruth
by Jack Baruth

It was nestled in quite unassuming fashion between a Columbus Zoo flier and something from The Folio Society. I came this close to throwing it away… but as you will see, ladies and gentlemen, that would have been a grave mistake, because the information that little postcard brought me quite turned my day around.

It would appear that I have won my lawsuit against AutoWeek, and it didn’t even take an amazingly disappointing reunion of two-thirds of the Geto Boys’ adult-height members to obtain justice for my suffering. I now have the complete and unvarnished satisfaction that comes with mashing the heel of my Crockett & Jones Weymouth against the pasty, quadruple-chinned visage of AutoWeek‘s Inheritor-In-Chief, “I Was Too Fat As A Kid To Play Double” Dutch Mandel. The only question left: what to do with all this cheddar I’m about to clock.

It should be noted, however, briefly, that I had not taken the time to keep up with the legal proceedings on my behalf, partially because of my busy schedule and partially because I was not aware that said proceedings were taking place. Nevertheless, it’s right here, in black and white, on the postcard:

Records show that you paid for an individual subscription to Autoweek as of January 12, 2009.

Okay, if they say I did.

There is a class action lawsuit against (Crain) concerning the redesign of Autoweek that took place… on January 12, 2009

Now we’re getting somewhere. That “redesign” sucked and blew with the force of a Dyson Animal. If I recall correctly, that was the one where they just put “AW” on the cover instead of “Autoweek”. Like. “AWwwww, you’re about to read another story by Dutch about how he took a free trip to Italy.” I swear, if they didn’t publish Denise McCluggage I wouldn’t even rip one page out before using the rest to wipe up spilled oil in the garage.

The lawsuit claims… the reduction in publication frequency

Yeah, thank G-d for that, it was like having a sex offender visit your house every other week instead of each Friday on the dot.

…breached obligations

WAIT, WUT? No, that wasn’t the problem at all! The problem is that the magazine SUCKS! You’ve got it BACKWARDS! No matter. The postcard is discussing compensation. Hold on, it looks like we are getting to the part where I receive a 458 Italia and a dream date with Sasha Grey.

Crain has agreed to provide… six free issues

OH, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL.

or a one-year subscription renewal for $22.95

Perilously, I tell you, perilously close to a dollar per issue. That’s like me paying MacNeil Automotive Products a quarter per ad! To read it! This is a magazine you can get for free!

If you do not want to be legally bound by the Settlement

Not if it means I have to receive six free issues, I don’t.

you must exclude yourself from the class by May 12, 2012

Let me get right on that exclusion from the class. Well, this is just too lame for words. First they get my hopes up that everyone at AutoWeek, with the exception of Davey Johnson, will be fed into a woodchipper, said woodchipper making a satisfying “squoosh” noise when it reaches Dutch. Well, maybe they didn’t exactly promise that, but I was promised revenge. Revenge, for reading their articles. Revenge, for having to see hundreds of not-funny “But wait, there’s more” captions. Revenge, for publishing some advertisements for a Lotus Seven clone car that I bought and from the ownership experience of which I subsequently suffered the tortures of the Inferno.

Instead, I get six free issues.

Now I know how Fred Goldman feels.


Jack Baruth
Jack Baruth

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  • Ddavidv Ddavidv on Apr 19, 2012

    I must be going to hell, because I found this rant LOL funny. I feel the same exact way about a publication that was once the weekly automotive joy in my mailbox, back when it had actual news and Satch Carlson was still funny.

  • Gzuckier Gzuckier on May 11, 2012

    I actually like AW, quite a bit. Certainly the best of all the car mags, far as I'm concerned. Anyway, I got the same postcard. Can't get through on the phone lines. And then today comes an email... Take Advantage of this insider rate today and receive 1 year (26 issues) of Autoweek for just $20. Sigh.

  • Oberkanone My grid hurts!Good luck with installing charger locations at leased locations with aging infrastructure. Perhaps USPS would have better start modernizing it's Post offices to meet future needs. Of course, USPS has no money for anything.
  • Dukeisduke If it's going to be a turbo 4-cylinder like the new Tacoma, I'll pass.BTW, I see lots of Tacomas on the road (mine is a 2013), but I haven't seen any 4th-gen trucks yet.
  • Oberkanone Expect 4Runner to combine best aspects of new Land Cruiser and new Tacoma and this is what I expect from 2025 4Runner.Toyota is REALLY on it's best game recently. Tacoma and Land Cruiser are examples of this.
  • ArialATOMV8 All I hope is that the 4Runner stays rugged and reliable.
  • Arthur Dailey Good. Whatever upsets the Chinese government is fine with me. And yes they are probably monitoring this thread/site.
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