By on December 4, 2011

I’m in the passenger seat of the very bouncy ’97 Ford F250 LeMons Department of Highway De-Beautification Vehicle as I write this, heading up I-5 after one of the best races of the ’11 season, and I’m unable to dredge my depleted brain for the parts of speech necessary to do justice to Unununium Legend of LeMons Spank‘s achievements this weekend.
Spank combined four extraordinarily terrible European cars (Simca 1204, Austin America, turbocharged Austin Mini, Mini Moke) and a crew comprised of arrive-and-drives from all over the country to keep at least one car on the track at all times. The America had a replacement engine driven down from Seattle (just over 1,000 miles) after the original engine blew up during Friday’s practice, the turbo Mini had the front suspension from a semi-similar Austin Metro swapped in on Saturday, and the Simca and the Mini nuked their engines on the checkered flag lap. All in all, it was the Class C Onslaught Spank promised.
And so the Index of Effluency, LeMons racing’s top prize, goes to Spank, his Class C Onslaught posse, and his four indescribably effluent cars. Congratulations, Spank and the Class C Onslaught!

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12 Comments on “And the Real Winner Is…...”


  • avatar

    “…the turbo Mini had the front suspension from a semi-similar Austin Metro swapped in….”

    Wow. I own an MG-badged Metro and have just enough familiarity with hydrolastic Minis to say that, in this case, “semi-similar” means “not at all alike.” That swap is an astonishing accomplishment in itself. My congratulations to Spank and company!

    I wonder whether Spank has any spare Metro parts….

    • 0 avatar
      Robert Gordon

      Quite so. Just to clarify and expand on your point, Metros have Hydragas suspension which use completely different displacers. The Metro has a similar front subframe in general design, but it is somewhat larger. Closer related are the Austin America (Austin 1100) and the Metro.

      Having said that i’m not sure if id call the Austin America, Moke or Mini ‘terrible’ – they were great little cars and in the context of racing you’ll find few car with a better pedigree than a Mini.

      But perhaps the biggest slight is to call them ‘European’ – they’re British!

  • avatar

    Very proud for all Class C racers. BZ Spank!

  • avatar

    After running the Billy Beer Futura all weekend against these horrible cars I can tell you Spank is crazy, but only in the best way. We saw a lot of these cars as our 2.73 geared straight six was slower than everything else out there but Spank’s cars and the limo. So when we would spot one of these up ahead we knew it was finally time for some real racing. I asked him on Friday, so how many cars do you have running for the race, and the answer was almost 3. I think they put 10x the work of any other teams out there just to keep almost 3 cars running at any one time.

  • avatar

    Anyone who competes in Lemons is by definition crazy. Spank is simply crazier, or maybe craziest, which places him among the truly rarified racers.

  • avatar

    Wait a minute. The Billy Beer Futura???! Did Jimmy CARter attend this race that was obviously run in honor of his late brother? That needs to be covered.

  • avatar
    CJinSD

    Is that a Spitfire between the Moke and the Mini? Was it run by a different team?

  • avatar

    I captured the moment when the Simca overtook the limo down the pit straight. The noise from the frogmobile was epic.

    http://tinyurl.com/74sr8x6

    The best part of this team’s weekend was having one of their drivers shrink-wrapped to the Mini with a megaphone and forced to drive around the paddock confessing to all of us that he was “a VERY bad driver.” Best. Penalty. Ever.


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