Showroom-Schlock Shootout LeMons Day One: Honda Ber Alles!
So many 24 Hours of LeMons teams have their still-beating hearts torn out by the Civic and Integra, race after race; the little Hondas are very quick around a road course (which is the evil lure that makes teams want to race them), but the B and D engines have this terrible head-gasket-blowing problem. When they’re not losing the head gasket— usually 15 hours into a 20-hour race— then they’re shooting connecting rods in all directions. Who cares? When today’s race session was over, Honda products sat in the top three positions.
You’d think that the Integra would be more reliable than the Civic in LeMons, but they may be even more fragile then their econo-siblings. So many times, an Integra has built up a seemingly insurmountable lead, only to puke the engine with an hour to go. Today, the Holy Rollers ’88 Integra managed to knock out a best lap a full five seconds quicker than Clueless Racing’s quickest trip around the Autobahn Country Club’s course. If they can match Clueless in black-flag-free driving and pit-stop times, they should catch up sometime early on Sunday afternoon. That is, if the h–d g—-t holds out.
Here’s a car that we’ve seen contend for a LeMons win in races going back at least two years: the Free Candy Racing “Pedobear” Civic. They’ve got a guy in Pedobear costume roaming the paddock and handing out candy, they’ve got horrifyingly offensive Pedobear aphorisms all over their car, and they’re on the same lap as the Holy Rollers. What could go wrong? Do I need to spell it out? There’s a BMW E30 and a Chevy Caprice in third and fourth place, respectively, but it’s unlikely that all three of the Hondas will have catastrophic… well, you know.
Meanwhile, the owner of the famous LeMons ’65 Impala Wagon showed up late Saturday afternoon instead of the promised Friday morning, after being unreachable by the Speedycop and the Gang of Outlaws crew that flew from Maryland to Illinois to meet him… and the car wasn’t quite ready.
That means the Outlaws will spend all night installing a new exhaust system, racing seat, harnesses, and probably a bunch of additional time-consuming stuff, in the hopes of making the green flag early Sunday morning. Such drama!
Since Halloween is approaching, we’ve been making teams carve the manufacturer logos of their race cars into jack-o-lanterns. This Integra-driving team’s “Pumpkin of Shame” was by far the best (though watching an Alfa Romeo team struggle with their car’s complicated logo was more entertaining).
Looks like the Tricky Dick effigy on the roof of Team Resignation’s Escort could use some more Dilantin. Check in tomorrow for more Showroom Schlock action!
Leader photographs courtesy of Sideline Sports Photography
Murilee Martin is the pen name of Phil Greden, a writer who has lived in Minnesota, California, Georgia and (now) Colorado. He has toiled at copywriting, technical writing, junkmail writing, fiction writing and now automotive writing. He has owned many terrible vehicles and some good ones. He spends a great deal of time in self-service junkyards. These days, he writes for publications including Autoweek, Autoblog, Hagerty, The Truth About Cars and Capital One.
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Roger that-already done.
The articles about LeMons and Murilee Martin's 65 Chevy Chronicles are the best things written in the modern age. I mean since the GM bankruptcy. Maybe since Gordon Baxter. Only a dolt would not appreciate them. Bertel Schmidt is too good for you too. You should read Road and Track. Sorry to be so harsh.