Big Eggs Made Of Ticky-Tacky: How The Media Reported The 2012 Crosstour

Six days ago, Honda announced minor revisions to its slow-selling Accord Crosstour. They are summarized in the press release:

For 2012, new features on the Crosstour EX include auto on/off headlights, a rearview camera, Bluetooth®1 HandsFreeLink® and USB audio interface. Two new colors are also available on all Crosstour models: Twilight Blue Metallic replaces Glacier Blue Metallic, and Basque Red Pearl replaces Tango Red Pearl.

The other change: it’s not the “Accord Crosstour” anymore. Like Sting, Madonna, Ke$ha, Shakira, et al, it’s now just the one-word “Crosstour”.

I was curious as to how the automotive media would cover this important news, and how each of the TTAC contributors might cover it, given the chance. If you are, as well, click the jump.

Below are some relevant headlines and quotes. We’ll do this a few times in the months to come with different inconsequential press releases and perhaps you, the TTAC reader, will start to develop a sense of which blurb likely comes from which outlet. Let’s begin.

Honda gives new name, more features to Crosstour — USA Today

“Faced with slow sales, Honda is adding some tweaks and giving its novel car-like crossover a new name.” This is about what I would expect from USA Today, complete with the idiocy of calling a five-door car a “novel car-like crossover”. Wait till they see the novel cat-like quadraped that uses the litterbox at my house!

Honda Accord Crosstour Gets New Name, Price Hike for 2012 — Inside Line

“The 2012 Honda Crosstour gets more standard features, including auto on/off headlights, Bluetooth and a USB audio interface. A rearview camera is also available. Two new colors are available: Twlight Blue Metallic replaces Glacier Blue Metallic and Basque Red Pearl replaces Tango Red Pearl.” As usual, Anita Lienert provides some of the laziest writing in the business with this re-sketch of the press release. She creates sort of a reverse edit here; the original is more readable.

2012 Honda Crosstour Shortens Name, Gets Minor Price Increases — Motor Trend

“We can confirm that the base, two-wheel-drive EX model now comes standard with automatic headlights, a rearview back-up camera, Bluetooth, HandsFreeLink, and a USB interface for the sound system… Additionally, all models are available in two new paint colors: Twilight Blue Metallic and Basque Red Pearl, which replace Glacier Blue Metallic and Tango Red Pearl.” Ooh! We can confirm! Think of all the hard work Erick Apanyayaya or whatever the hell his name is must have put in to confirm this. Here’s something I can confirm: Motor Trend blows dead goats.

2012 Honda Crosstour Drops Accord From Name, Gets More Equipment — Car and Driver

“Other than the new kit, higher price, and streamlined name, the 2012 Honda Crosstour is still the same ugly duckling of the Honda family—albeit a versatile, higher-content ugly duckling.” The word you’re looking for, Alexander Stokolsa, is “Despite”, not “Other”. Example: “Despite the best efforts of its writers and editors, Car and Driver is still a particularly inept framing device for MacNeil Products ten-page Special Advertising Sections.”

2012 Honda Crosstour: Ch-Ch-Changes — Cars.com

“The 2012 Crosstour starts at $30,340, excluding $810 for destination. That’s $350 more than last year, which means the new model is a better value given the added features.” A valid point, Colin Bird! For that, I will forgive you the sin of misquoting David Bowie.

“Name Change for 2012 Honda Crosstour, Non-Nav Models More Expensive” — Automobile

“For now, Honda wasn’t willing to confirm the four-cylinder engine’s arrival to the Crosstour lineup, which would bring prices below $30,000.” Hmm… Maybe Erick Apanyayaya, who wrote this lack of confirmation, should talk to the Erick Apanyayayayayaya who wrote the Motor Trend article about confirmation. The moral of the story: Some people are lousy writers, some people really like a particular word, and I can now confirm that there is someone out there who has both qualities.

2012 Honda Crosstour Preview — Family Car Guide

“Bottom line: Powerful engine, sporty appearance and impressive list of standard features make the 2012 Honda Crosstour a good choice for small families. On the downside, other competitors may have more to offer, such as the Toyota Venza, which offers two engines, costs about $4,000 less, has better cargo capacity and slightly better fuel economy.” And that’s the bottom line, courtesy of Suzanne Kane, who tested the 2012 Crosstour using only her imagination, the press release, and what appears from her provided photo to be five horse needles’ worth of Botox.

2012 Honda Crosstour; Not An Accord Any More — AutoGuide

“Imagine you were one of the most popular kids in school. Then your ugly cousin comes to town, mooching off your success and using your good name for his own advantage. Now you know what it feels like to be the Honda Accord.” Colum Wood skates dangerously close to a no-more-free-Hondas-every-week crack in the ice with this bold metaphor.

2012 Honda Crosstour To Offer More — CarBuzz

“The 2012 Honda Crosstour has a new name and a much more attractive list of standard equipment…2012 model will offer a ton of standard equipment to help entice buyers… What is clear is that, with the massive list of new standard equipment, the $30,340 base price gives you quite a lot for your money.” It would be nice to call the author of this tripe out by name, but he or she quite wisely posted anonymously.

Have you lost faith in automotive media yet? Don’t worry. I’ve asked each of our major contributors to write a short blurb about the new Crosstour. Well, I didn’t so much ask them as I just pretended in my own head to ask them and then wrote down what I imagined they would write, given the chance. Here you go.

“The Accord Crosstour has been shamefully divested of its hallowed nameplate by a Honda which is already sagging against the ropes thanks to a merciless pounding by the industry, the consumer base, and the very Earth itself… but can the Crosstour come back on the attack?” — Edward Niedermeyer

“The Crosstour’s nose is oversized and disproportionate, leading back along a misaligned series of faux-flame-surfaced panels to a strikingly odd set of rear doors. The rear bumper is a jarring contrast to the sweep of the taillights. Trunk space was excellent. Find out more at True Delta.” — Michael Karesh

“Watch out for wear on the fourth cam lobe” — Steve Lang

“Watch out for great deals on a Grand Marquis Coupe” — Sajeev Mehta

“Watch out for bearded Trotskyites” — Murilee Martin’s mother, warning the neighbors

“Watch out for the caviar at the Ritz, it gave me indigestion last night and I only ate five handfuls” — Guest Columnist “Dutch” Mandel

“Watch out for the Armco on the South Course at Autobahn, it will rip the front end off your press MINI.” — [REDACTED], staffer for now-defunct website which didn’t offer its readers any “motive” to continue reading

“Watch out for J*** B*****, he will seduce your wife and send her uncomfortably intimate, yet depressing, AOL chats afterwards.” — another staffer at the same website

“Watch out for Turn One At Road America, it’s a great place to drive off during your very first lap at the MAMA annual circle-jerk.” — the guy who wrecked the MINI

“Watch out for anybody who tells you that your wife won’t figure out that your ‘free Ducati 1098 press motorcycle’ is actually something you bought with your own money but were too afraid of said wife to admit.” — the former boss of the two guys above

“Watch your God-damn mirror, because I’ve been sitting behind you for THREE LAPS.” — your humble author, talking to a certain automotive traveler after an on-track press event.

“Watch me end this without mentioning Bertel Schmitt” — me

FINIS