Hammer Time: The 'Keeper' Culture

Steven Lang
by Steven Lang

My pants still fit me from college. Well, they are sweatpants after all. They were given to me by a friend of mine who is known as a ‘Datsunaholic’. He keeps a few old cars. A few of those models have been written up by Paul Niedermeyer who now keeps a lot of houses along with his new web site. He invariably finds ‘keeper folk’ from all walks of life. But most of the people he finds are not car enthusiasts at all. Why do they ‘keep’ these cars then? Are they perhaps hoarders? Do they suffer the afflictions of the wantless? Or is this just another write-up inspired by Kevin Bacon?

No, they are just keepers. They find what they need. A car about ‘yay’ big. In blue. There. Done. They then go on about their lives avoiding the debt and the down payment in a way that gives guys like Dave Ramsey so much sanctimony. In rich times they’re sometimes looked up as hermits and miserable misers. In poor times they lead by example. But most of the time they are just ignored and blend right in. But that nagging question remains. Why do these people not buy cars? Well… the ‘keeper’ of old cars comes in many forms.

The Junkyard Dog – He can tell you the exact locations of every vehicle he uses at the junkyard to keep his ride going.

“The Volvo 740 right next to the 940 SE at Jason’s Junk Emporium is a white wagon with the removed engine and no seats. What a beaut! I removed all the bulbs off of that one and even the wiring harness which looks to be nearly brand new . The flex disc came straight from Groton and…”

This guy is into his ride like Elliot Spitzer is into hookers.

The Quality Guru: The shocks are from Bilstein. The wheels are AMG’s. The brakes are Brembos. The oil is Amsoil and the oil filter can also be used as a breathing apparatus in the event of a major disaster.

Yes, the car we’re describing may be nothing more than an under-engineered Mercedes from the seventh circle of hell. But hey, it was dealer maintained. and has been given a full regimen of Mother’s every month. Steam cleaned at the local auto spa… usually these folks are either divorced or terminally single.

The Tinker-er-er-er: The inside of his garage is an endless maze of gondola board and special tools that were designed only for one car and one purpose. That is to enable this owner to install anything he wants whenever he wants.

This guy has a custom lift, four jacks, a pair of aces, three welders, and several bookshelves loaded with manuals. When you want something done cheap and right, he’ll be able to help you…. once he completes his projects. In a few months or so… if you’re lucky…

The Tightwad Husband: This is the guy who spends an evening or two a month performing spreadsheets and budgets. He inevitably breaks down the cost of nearly every automotive expenditure to it’s finest elements.

“Motor oil you say? Why, take the $10 Quaker State online rebate and find the nearest Autozone that’s doing $1.99 / quart closeout for synthetic. Then…”

Oh damnit! My wife wrote this while I was replacing a compact florescent upstairs. I’ll keep it Susan. Thanks!

The Broke: The tires may be more bald than a baby Mr. Clean and all the leaking oils make the car smell like Seacaucus. But hey, it runs.

Often times these cars will have half empty bottles of fluid wedged under the bonnet for easy access. There is almost always a paper cone next to the coolant resevoir, and what’s that wire hanger there? Oh, that’s to help keep the duct tape in place so that the front of the car… still attaches to the rest of the car.

The Bum: He hasn’t done a damn thing since 1987. When the parents, brothers, and relatives are nearly done with their car but don’t quite want to sell it outright, they give it to ‘him’. Within a year or two the creme puff turns into a pile of refuse destined for China.

The Content’ Folk: They don’t know much about cars. Oil for them should be changed every 3k at most and if the mechanic advises them about a defective Johnson valve, they go “Uh huh!” and write a check.

Thankfully these folks enjoy two unique qualities. They find good independent mechanics and they tend to be easy going with the machinery. Since the car fits them like a good pair of, sweatpants, they go about their lives without thinking about cars. Pity the fools.

Grands: As they say in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, “ I’m not dead yet! “ Of course the double yellow line is a mere suggestion and the nearby shopping cart haulers at the supermarket keep a wide perimeter when ‘they’ come around.

The car is driven about 100 miles a week and it’s all dinged out. Dings from curbs. Dings from doors, walls, and at least a dozen people. Constant ding sounds from keys left in the ignition. Ding sounds from the door left open. In fact, the car has encountered so many dinging over the year that the ‘ding’ noise doesn’t even work anymore. For those honored elderly who still drive Cadillac’s and Lincoln’s, please replace the ‘ding’ noise with the ‘dong’ noise.

Steven Lang
Steven Lang

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  • Pixel Pixel on Mar 28, 2011

    I used to be a Junkyard Dog/Broke/Tinkererer & kept the same terrible '91 Taurus(3.8!) wagon going for 7 years & 187K(for a total of 288K). From there I went to a car to expensively crappy to keep('96 Fleetwood), Through two beaters never expected to survive ('78 Nova, '91 Legacy), found myself in a solid but uninspiring car('96 Outback). And now I've found myself as a Contented Quality Guru/Tinkererer with my current car. I was shopping for a $1-3K manual gas-miser(CRX/Civic hatch/Neon) when I found and bought my '04 Scion xB with 92K for $6600. It has 157K on it now and quickly turned out to be everything I want in a vehicle and nothing I found newer or older could match it. As of now I only plan to replace it if a)it gets wrecked, b)Rhode Island winters outrun my ability to repair rust. So every repair is with quality parts, every upgrade/modification is planned out very carefully (avoided drilling a hole in the dash to route a cable for the aux gauges so if the gauges die in 5-10 years I won't have to stare at the empty hole), and whenever possible if I take something apart for repairs/modifications all related parts are checked and cleaned/rustproofed/painted before they go back on. I'm not 100% obsessive about maintenance and let some stuff go (front struts are still the originals, though they are in this year replacement budget). But I won't let anything safety related go, and if ignoring it is going to damage other components it get replaced ASAP. My girlfriend feels the same way towards her stripper model '99 Saturn SL(only option is A/C, manual everything else). It was the first car she bought new, and now at 165K has been a reliable workhorse through a cross country move, multiple road trips to family over 1000 miles away, & a divorce. I have no fondness for the car (and find the interior a miserable place to be), but I can't fault her love for it, so I've been treating it the same way I do mine. There is also my '62 Comet (owned for 6.5years) that I'm slowly restoring. And her '92 MR2, a gift from a Contented dealer-maintaining relative when he couldn't drive it anymore. And neither of those are going anywhere soon. Hell my cheap $180 Harbor Frieght 3x4' trailer gets its fair share of the same treatment as I am quickly realizing the quiet joy of finding just the right item then caring for it and making it better instead of tossing it for something shiny new with more unnecessary features.

  • Brettc Brettc on Mar 28, 2011

    I'd say I'm a combination of the Tinkerer, the Quality Guru and the Tightwad husband. I do all the maintenance I can on our fleet (a 2000 Jetta TDI and a 2003 Jetta TDI). And having similar cars is helpful because I can buy things like filters and certain fluids that will work in either car. I buy whatever parts I can online, and I only buy OEM VW parts because I'm not going to put off-brand parts in a VW. (VWs will reject low-end parts like a drunk's donated liver and then you have to do it all over again.) I wish Mobil would offer the rebates on the Mobil 1 Turbodiesel Truck oil again. That was nice while it lasted. While I'd love really love to replace our 2000 Jetta, it works and it's paid for, so why should I replace it until it's really necessary? As I told my wife recently, the cheapest car is the one you already own. But that saying will be worthless if the 01M automagic in her car suddenly dies. So for now I'll keep them going as much as I can, and for those jobs I don't feel like doing or have the confidence to do, our trusted VW mechanic will do them. And we'll continue to put money in the bank for when we actually do need a new car.

    • Steven Lang Steven Lang on Mar 28, 2011

      If you do annual drain & fills using a Mityvac, the tranny on your wife's VW should last for a while. I would avoid doing long journeys with it if possible (use the other one for that). I'm not sure about other modifications that would help but VWvortex and TDI club will offer a lot of good insight on that.

  • Varezhka Of all the countries to complain about WTO rules violation, especially that related to battery business…
  • Carson D At 1:24 AM, the voyage data recorder (VDR) stopped recording the vessel’s system data, but it was able to continue taping audio. At 1:26 AM, the VDR resumed recording vessel system data. Three minutes later, the Dali collided with the bridge. Nothing suspicious at all. Let's go get some booster shots!
  • Darren Mertz Where's the heater control? Where's the Radio control? Where the bloody speedometer?? In a menu I suppose. How safe is that??? Volvo....
  • Lorenzo Are they calling it a K4? That's a mountain in the Himalayas! Stick with names!
  • MaintenanceCosts It's going to have to go downmarket a bit not to step on the Land Cruiser's toes.
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