Hammer Time: Choose Your 20 Year Sentence

Steven Lang
by Steven Lang

You’re 20 years old. At least for this exercise, you have been able to implant your current wisdom into that once wonderful body of yours. You hit the jackpot! Well, sort of… A genie popped out of a bottle of Colt 45 and granted you the chance to relive your life from that 20th birthday forward. Except there’s a catch. You must live out the next 60 years of your life drinking malt liquor and sporting bad hair.

Actually, it’s not that bad. You can buy only 1 new car for the next 20 years of your life. Tough break huh? The car you choose must be owned and maintained by you, and only you, for the next 20 years. Why? Don’t ask questions. This genie’s been stuck in a malt liquor bottle for decades and it wouldn’t grant you a wish without messing with your head at least a little bit.


The ‘20 to 40’ car must withstand bachelorhood, marriage, and kids. Even if you don’t have any kids, tough shit. You get at least two. Maybe five if you whine about it. The genie wants you to become a ‘responsible parent’ and figures that back seat diaper changes and long road trips to Wallyworld will eventually put you on the right path. That path being far far away from that bottle of Colt 45 you were about to consume.

Of course if the car in question breaks, you’re screwed. The genie relishes the image of having you take your screaming young family on public transit and Greyhound buses thanks to your incomprehensible love of Peugeots. A love for expensive and temperamental cars will obviously land you straight into the world of debt and despair. But no enthusiast wants a dull car for 20 years. So what will you choose?

The budget is $25,000 in today’s dollars and has to be chosen from your authentic 20 year old days. For example, if you’re over 40, you have to go back to that time of yore when a 1991 Ford Taurus SHO could be had with a 5-speed (hint). See! It doesn’t always suck to think about those older cars. Just make sure you choose a keeper.

Steven Lang
Steven Lang

More by Steven Lang

Comments
Join the conversation
2 of 163 comments
  • Zammy Zammy on Jan 06, 2011

    I almost lived this scenario. Bought a 3rd Gen 4Runner in 1998. Only replaced it as my primary car this year, but still holding onto it. Did all the maintenance and repairs myself. Saw me through bachelorhood, marriage, and two kids. The thing just keeps going and going. It is indestructible and can handle any road condition.

  • George McNally George McNally on Jan 07, 2011

    I was 20 in 1979.....as luck would have it- I bought a brand new car that year. A 1980 Ford Fairmont Futura with absolutely no options. i spent the next 9 years beating the unholy piss out of it and never spent a dime on it other then oil changes and tires. Wasn't much car left that wasn't rust after 9 years, but I got my money's worth.

  • MaintenanceCosts It's not a Benz or a Jag / it's a 5-0 with a rag /And I don't wanna brag / but I could never be stag
  • 3-On-The-Tree Son has a 2016 Mustang GT 5.0 and I have a 2009 C6 Corvette LS3 6spd. And on paper they are pretty close.
  • 3-On-The-Tree Same as the Land Cruiser, emissions. I have a 1985 FJ60 Land Cruiser and it’s a beast off-roading.
  • CanadaCraig I would like for this anniversary special to be a bare-bones Plain-Jane model offered in Dynasty Green and Vintage Burgundy.
  • ToolGuy Ford is good at drifting all right... 😉
Next