By on July 27, 2010

What did you do this morning? I spent $101.78 at the local Pick-N’-Pull, using a completely inadequate set of hand tools to remove the last twincam Neon head to be found in any Columbus, Ohio – area junkyard. I removed the power steering reservoir by beating it to pieces with a crankshaft damper from a Chrysler LHS. I imagine Adrian Newey is doing something similar right now on the Red Bull RB6.

The reason for this outrageous expenditure is simple: NASA (the race sanction, not the folks who no longer build rockets) has partially come to its senses. In previous years, the minimum weight for doublecam Neons was 2650 pounds, while the twincam Sentras and single-cam Neons were both 2450. Needless to say, our single-cam Neon has never successfully beaten a Sentra in a Performance Touring race unless it was raining (I’m the Jenson Button of club racing, including pre-trophy-ceremony makeouts) or the aforementioned Sentra has made a major mistake.

This year, two interesting things have happened. First, NASA dropped doublecams to 2550 and raised the Sentra to 2525. Now we have a fighting chance. Second, the fellow who owns the other half of my race team acquired his racing license last week. Finally, I have a teammate! So we need a new name, and I’m taking suggestions.

The race team is currently called Green Baron Motorsports. I named it this to spite some wanna-be half-German “Baron” who has conveniently forgotten that we don’t use titles in the America, yo. If he wants to drag his extremely questionable baroncy out of a rather dusty closet, I’m going to do the same thing. (For the record, the list of people who would have to die to make me “Baron Baruth” is slightly longer than the list of excuses Jalopnik handed out during the CTS-V Challenge.)

Now that we have two drivers, one of whom is half-Egyptian, I am thinking we should have a new name. I will take your suggestions. If it helps, here are some details about us:

  • We drive a 1996 Plymouth Neon Sport, as seen here:

  • I am, I think, the driver with the worst discipline record in NASA Great Lakes region, having been kicked off the podium at the National Championships for contact, suspended for two races for contact, denied the 2008 Regional Championship due to contact, and fined $3000 in cash for contact. On the positive side, I did let a crippled kid sit in the race car once, although once I realized his father wasn’t a potential sponsor we cut the charity visit short.
  • Mark, my co-driver, is a devout Coptic Christian who has never offended anyone and is looking for a virtuous, physically fit young woman to start a decent, loving family. Most of the women I’ve dated have stage names, criminal records, or both.
  • “Cause For Divorce Racing” is already taken, by another Neon driver.
  • Our trailer was stolen, half our tools are missing, and I have only one of the required pair of Nomex socks. Right now I’m wearing a similar-looking cotton sock on my right foot and presenting my left foot during safety inspections. That’s how we do things.

We are hoping to debut the newly-twin-cammed Neon at the August 14 NASA Mid-Ohio event. In order to do this, we need to buy a variety of accessories, have the head polished and 3-angle-valve-jobbed, find some decent cams, and, last but not least, build, install, configure, and tune a “Megasquirt” setup. If you live in Ohio, feel free to stop by our shop in Westerville to help out! With fewer than five shootings in 2010, the Route 3 and Route 161 intersection has never been a safer place to work on a car past midnight!

Some of you may be familiar with “Courage Wolf”, “Advice Dog”, and other instant memes. Green Baron Motorsports has our own instant meme, the Crashing Neon, as seen here:

http://s68.photobucket.com/albums/i15/viergang/memes/

Sadly, they all refer to actual incidents.

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72 Comments on “Trackday Diaries: Cost is no object for my race team, help us choose a new name....”


  • avatar
    NulloModo

    How about Cairo Jack’s Megasquirt Twin Racing?

  • avatar
    TurboMark

    I’m assuming at Kevin’s not Achbach. Luckily both of those places are fairly tucked back behind the usual 161/rt3 traffic. I used to live a stones throw away from there. Good to hear about the rule changes, for you at least.

  • avatar
    talkstoanimals

    Twincams and Truancy Racing. Or simply, Twincam Truants Racing.

  • avatar
    thats one fast cat

    “I removed the power steering reservoir by beating it to pieces with a crankshaft damper from a Chrysler LHS. I imagine Adrian Newey is doing something similar right now on the Red Bull RB6.”

    Jack, you slay me. That was Frickin Hi-Larious.

  • avatar
    hurls

    Jack… gonna have to think on that.

    But if you want to complete the JB resume, you need to grab your girl for a quickie on the way to the podium, ala Monaco last year.

  • avatar
    jimbowski

    ‘Neon Lights Racing’

    I feel your pain Jack. Well, in a little slower way. I race a dirt oval, briggs powered, methenal fueled, Maxxis tired go-kart every Saturday at Thunderlake Speedway in Kansas City.

  • avatar
    ajla

    Overconfident and Under-equipped.

  • avatar
    BMWfan

    Baruth Babes?

  • avatar
    captdownshift

    sum of parts is > then the whole racing

    miami heat racing team

    lebron promised us a new ride tehn skipped out of town racing

    and

    lo-cash racing

  • avatar
    Facebook User

    If you are ever in the Denver area…we need to go race karts then party, I know plenty of stage name girls with criminal records here

  • avatar
    erich2

    Knowing of your other proclivities, how about ‘Save it for the Streets Racing’

  • avatar
    Ooshley

    Half-Assed Racing Team – “We’re all HART” ?

  • avatar
    Boff

    TTAChycardia Racing

  • avatar
    jaje

    You need a haircut as that mop must be soaking wet after a race.

    Is there really any racing in PTE? I’d suspect you’d want to push your craft in spec type series like 944-Spec or Spec Miata. I went over to 944-Spec last year as ITC and Honda Challenge in my area was pretty much non-existent.

    • 0 avatar
      Jack Baruth

      In the Midwest, PTE is a fully-developed series running about three seconds a lap ahead of SM. Our Neon absolutely humiliates 944-Spec cars on raw pace, with the old single-cam motor.

      We *did* look at SM and 944 Spec and rejected both on cost grounds. I happen to own a perfect no-sunroof ’84 944 but I can build three Neon motors for the cost of one top-notch 944 engine and unlike Porsche engines they last forever. I also like buying fenders for $25 at the junkyard, paying $120 for windshields, and doing clutches in two hours. Mark my words, I will NEVER race a Porsche, even though I own three of them :)

      The cost of entry to SM is way too high now. Too many teams running three cars with transporters. When you have guys using the same setup for their Grand-Am team and their SM team, as is the case with at least two major players around here, it’s time to exit stage left.

      As far as the driver talent, our local PTE class has two Honda Challenge National Champions, a variety of ex-SM winners, and three guys with pro licenses :)

    • 0 avatar
      jaje

      If you are in the Ohio region then things are different. I’m in Kansas City and race with NASA Midwest (4+ hour tows) and PCA (it allows me the most opportunities for competition).

      I know in Great Lakes region HC is quite popular (I bought and raced Sam Myer’s old H5 Civic). But in KC it forced me to race ITC or with NASA in H5 (Midwest / RMR) where I was basically in a race all by myself.

      I will be at the crossover at Putnam in October so stop on by and say hi.

    • 0 avatar
      Jack Baruth

      Was that the “box” Civic that Sam had? When I first met him, he was running a pair of CRXes… sold those and became crew chief for Pakistan Express.

      Sam was my crew chief for the Mid-Ohio enduro last year, we had a great win in class and finished fourth overall, ahead of every AI Mustang in the field.

    • 0 avatar
      jaje

      Yes it was the 3 door hatch (I guess it is a box) – I bought it from they guy he sold it to – but found out it was his car and found out everything that was done to it. Funny thing is I also have a daily driver that is an ’89 Civic Hatch but I put in stock b16a in it last winter. The Civic hatch was one of my first cars and still one of my all time favorites.

      If you are going to be at Putnam in Oct – stop on by or let me know if you’re there. Be nice to meet a TTAC guy. (#74)

  • avatar
    Stu Sidoti

    How about ‘Weight Watchers’?

    Seems like the NASA weight loss break is just what you needed so Weight Watchers it is!

  • avatar
    Stingray

    Corre Caminos Racing (it’s a Plymouth, it’s blue… and that’s the spanish for RoadRunner)

    Ying&Yang Racing

    Domestics FTW Racing

    Viva la Revolucion Racing

    El Comegente Racing (yep, you like like the comegente in the 1st pic)

    Chupacabras Racing

    America Fuck Yeah Racing

    I can’t think of hilarious original names :(

    This post belongs more to SSL than here.

  • avatar
    udham

    What about

    Baruthless racing?

  • avatar

    @udham: I’d second that one.

    “Barnstormer Racing?”

    or

    “Bahnsturmer Racing?”

    You can be the “Blue Baron”, Mike can be “Snoopy”.

  • avatar

    If you can get sponsorship from Sunshine Bakery, you can call it

    Cheez It! The Copts Racing Team

  • avatar
    Sanman111

    Decency & Deliquency Motorsports

    Smiling (for the Neon) Devil Racing

    Sand Baron Motorsports

    Sheik & McClure Racing

  • avatar
    stationwagon

    paint scrapers, premium raisers, reckless endangerment, deepwater horizon? I have no clue what to name your team.

  • avatar
    fl3dge

    Baba Sphinx Mark Twin?

    Baba from BAruth
    Sphinx (pretty obvious isn’t it?)
    Mark Twin (like Mark Twain :), and “twin” from TwinCam)

  • avatar

    it’s almost Petty blue,it’s a Plymouth so…King Richard Racing

  • avatar
    KGrGunMan

    “2 guys 1 coptic”

    “shock and yaw”

    “yes its a neon racing”

    “last plymouth standing”

    “sedan slam”

    “front tire fire”

    “nimble neon”

  • avatar
    mythicalprogrammer

    … Aren’t those Dodge Neon death traps? They had really crappy crash rating no?

  • avatar

    I do like “Too Lazy to Cheat” as a name, but I cede the ground to “Shock and Yaw,” “Neon Lights,” and “Decency & Delinquency” (the latter of which would always be referred to as “double-D”)

  • avatar
    Stingray

    Woody y Buzz Racing

  • avatar
    Detroit-Iron

    Well it is widely known by all serious people that the pyramids were built by aliens, and you seem to have a thing for inappropriate contact on and off the track, so how about Close Encounters racing?

  • avatar
    psarhjinian

    My goodness, you look exactly like I used to look before I was broken by the man.

  • avatar
    Contrarian

    How about TTACtical Racing

  • avatar
    Steve C.

    Out of Egypt Racing?
    Angel and Devil Racing?
    Infidel Racing?

  • avatar
    TEXN3

    Costly Crue

  • avatar
    Robstar

    “Say Hi! racing”

    Remember the old Neon commercials?

  • avatar
    0menu0

    I’m more curious as to why the single cam Neon can’t beat the Sentras.
    The single cam is rated at 132hp of which 105-106hp get to the front wheels. The twincam neon is overrated at 150hp, it’s more in the 140 range with 115-116hp getting to the ground. The SR20(I think thats your competition)is rated at 140 hp(not sure wheel hp, not sure if over/under rated), thats an 8hp advantage over the single cam. Sometimes there is a greater variance among the same engine type. Just thinking aloud here.

    • 0 avatar
      Jack Baruth

      Stock for stock, the twincam Neon and the Sentra SE-R have about the same horsepower to the wheels. The Sentra responds slightly better to the permitted mods. One of our competitors in a Sentra rang the dyno after a race last year with 167 horsepower at the wheels. With the same mods, we’re expecting 155 with our twincam.

      Our single-cam Neon was doing about 115 to the wheels, and raced at the same weight as the Sentras – (2450)

      You can see why I felt pleased to be within 1.8 seconds of the Sentra at Mid-Ohio with what amounted to two-thirds of the horsepower :)

    • 0 avatar
      0menu0

      I see, I forgot to write: “assuming stock of course” in my original comment. I understand now the benefit of the weight drop for the twincam as the single cam is a non-starter as far as serious mods go. What kind of mods are allowed?

    • 0 avatar

      The SR20 is ridiculously easy to get power out of… and seasoned engines hold up remarkably well. With the same mods, I saw around 135-138 whp on my Mazda motor versus about 148 for an SR20 with similar mods and a crappier set of headers.

      The inequity of saddling the Neon with so much extra weight against such an easily modifiable car is unimaginable!

  • avatar
    bumpy ii

    “First, NASA dropped doublecams to 2550 and raised the Sentra to 2525.”

    lolwut?

    I hate that thumb-on-the-scales BS. If the Neon can’t keep up with SE-Rs, it should be sent down to tee-ball with the GA Sentras.

  • avatar
    cwallace

    Honest Ahab Racing
    El Grupo Guapo
    It’s Raining Men (Homer’s favorite song on Moe’s jukebox)

  • avatar
    roamer

    Three Socks Racing.

    You know, assuming your new partner has a full pair.

  • avatar
    Morea

    “Drive Like An Egyptian”

  • avatar
    mdwheary

    Speed Freaks

  • avatar
    Lokki

    Dead Brand Racing

    NoMoParts Racing

    Nigh-on Racing

    Noble Gas Racing http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noble_gas

  • avatar
    Steven Lang

    I’m not sure if your team has the same background. But the name that’s been tattooed in my thoughts these days is…

    ‘The Neonic Jews’

    You can always write on the side of your car, ‘Wholesale!’. Maybe some nice renditions of Torah scrolls on the panels and a dreidel in place of fuzzy dice.

    Hmmm…. is there any place where you can get a plastic Moses?

  • avatar
    NickR

    Rubout Racing or Rubber One Out Racing if you want to be risque.

    Or, given your history of punishments, how about Close Contact Racing or Close Encounters Racing? Or maybe Panel Beaters Racing?

    I kind of like Blunt Force Trauma Racing, an homage to your method of removing inconvenient parts.

  • avatar
    iNeon

    I want to drive it! Why not a coupe? They’re way cuter :P

  • avatar

    Big Trouble in Little Neon

  • avatar

    Now that you’re not alone, I guess Jack Cammer is out….

  • avatar
    tbp0701

    Unwound G and the Coptic Crusader.

  • avatar
    akitadog

    Off the top of my head:

    Virtuous Criminal Racing

    Odd Couple Racing

    Elbow Grease Racing

    Jury Rigged Racing

    Smash and Grab Racing

    Half the World Racing

    Pick-n-Pull Racing

    * substitute “Motorsports” for “Racing” as desired.

  • avatar
    Mullholland

    Hey Jack,
    If you’ve read this far: Junkyard Dogs.
    Gives credit to your part supplier and fair warning to competitors who might think about crowding you on the track.

  • avatar
    philadlj

    MOIST RATCHET MOTORSPORTS

  • avatar
    Richard Chen

    Virgin & Urging Motorsports

  • avatar
    jfranci3

    Neon – build in Belvedere, IL. “Brocktoon racing”… whoop there it is.

  • avatar

    straight outta Aswan
    pull over, it’s the Copts!
    pissed demeanor
    My left foot
    wreckless endangerment
    temper tantras coptic existential cha-cha supreme
    screed racer
    racer hex
    fisting tantrum
    tantrum of dingus
    contact tantrum and the argyle stripperella
    copt a feel
    Quantum of contact
    Won’t get tooled again!
    Contact nude and the strawberry Angelina
    Digital Bitchen Timer
    Gloryhole doily street team C
    She obeys the rules well
    Carbuncle of Contact
    Redneck beachfront excelsior!
    Non-Contact Manifest Destiny
    The test came back negative!!!
    Subtle contact and the hairless rug
    Amish bozo and Stimpy Galore
    Gnarly vessel lady-bomb
    Sinatra defenestration acquittal jury
    Contact prodigy stock boner
    Contract manufacturer of the eastern prostate
    Alexandretta gangbang
    Axis of outrage
    Clearance bongwater revival
    Dave Mustaine after Metallica
    The shifters of no mercy
    Axles of Evil
    Hot lap outcasts
    The axis of Eastwood
    Trump’s merkin contact adhesive
    Amish iconoclast downrange torque-steer
    Manitoba grand funk contact patch street-merkin
    Super dynamite desert fox wolverine jugglers -Du Soleil
    Desert fox infractioneer wolverine kitten juggler
    Jack’s enraged rebel meat factory
    Benny Hill’s Andersonville bachelor pad
    Pussy magnet yellow

  • avatar
    toaster-pastry

    Dear god, it’s good to see my mess of Neon racing stuff still out there being raced. I used to daily drive that car when I was 19. It had studded snow tires and primered fenders / bumpers because I stole the nice body parts for my race car. If you found any used prophylactics under the back seat cushion, I wouldn’t know anything about them.

    Goon-speed, Jack… Goon-speed.

  • avatar
    Jack Baruth

    This is going to be a tough choice to make!!

  • avatar

    Hrm… For a sec. there I thought Farago had returned as comment mod/assassin,
    but there it is on page 2.
    Ignore faffy comment that was up for 10 seconds while I figured out where the “next comments” link was. XP

    Semper Fi; Carry on…

  • avatar
    NickR

    ‘Colon Blow’…oh no, wait, that was my submission for Harvey’s ‘Name the Burger’ contest. Never mind.

  • avatar

    Cammer Time.

  • avatar
    Morea

    “Gnostic Gneon Racing”

  • avatar
    Nick

    In light of Jack’s appearance….Hirsute Racing.

    Or, wrt stage names, ‘Lynn’ seems to be a popular addition, so maybe Neon Lynn Racing Team.

  • avatar
    Cassius5

    Gritty Smooth Racing

  • avatar
    Nick

    Oh wait, a sudden moment of inspiration. ‘Hirsute Pursuit Racing’.

    Or, just for the f of it, ‘Maiden’s Hair Racing’. Some people will go ‘huh?’ and some will laugh because they know when they coined the name for that plant they weren’t talking about the hair on a maiden’s head!


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